DD got into a physical fight on the last day of school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to expand on this:

"Now somehow MY daughter is the one facing consequences. She was forced to stay after school, missed her bus, and now we have to report to the principal's office even though she was the victim. Her entire summer is now ruined because of this."

What are the consequences she is facing? The fact that she had to stay after school that day and you both have to have a conversation with the principal? Seems to me like normal procedure for both people involved in a fight. Are you certain the other person did not face the same "consequences"? Her summer is not ruined.


You are right to be upset that your daughter has been bullied and that she got in a fight. But being extremely over dramatic about what has happened after the fight is not the right approach.

Cut OP some slack, she was posting emotionally right after the incident. Put yourself in her shoes and consider that you, too, might catastrophize a bit or post a despairing comment on an anonymous board in the same situation. It does not encapsulate her entire response, it's just what she wrote here to strangers in a vulnerable moment. Getting fixated on it instead of focusing on the broader picture (OP's daughter needs a plan for approaching the meeting with the principal and it's important she and her mom properly communicate the context of the incident).

When someone catastrophizes in an emotional moment, you can help them by staying grounded in reality, not by flipping it around and criticizing their emotional response to a very upsetting situation. Something to remember when dealing with teens, too.

Wow. I was not attacking at all. And I specifically validated the feelings. I was providing well-intentioned advice on the best things to focus on.

That might have been your intention but it didn't read that way. You lectured her about being "extremely over dramatic." But I didn't find her OP that dramatic. The comment about a ruined summer is almost certainly an exaggeration but likely OP was quoting her kid or voicing her own biggest fears.

Also I was responding to the overall tone of responses here, which I think have focused too much on lecturing OP's emotional response. Amy parent would be emotional upset few hours after learning about an incident like this. It would be a swirl of emotions. Nitpicking those feeling don't really help, OP needs practical advice on what to do, not how to feel.

[Anonymous]

Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to expand on this:

"Now somehow MY daughter is the one facing consequences. She was forced to stay after school, missed her bus, and now we have to report to the principal's office even though she was the victim. Her entire summer is now ruined because of this."

What are the consequences she is facing? The fact that she had to stay after school that day and you both have to have a conversation with the principal? Seems to me like normal procedure for both people involved in a fight. Are you certain the other person did not face the same "consequences"? Her summer is not ruined.


You are right to be upset that your daughter has been bullied and that she got in a fight. But being extremely over dramatic about what has happened after the fight is not the right approach.

Cut OP some slack, she was posting emotionally right after the incident. Put yourself in her shoes and consider that you, too, might catastrophize a bit or post a despairing comment on an anonymous board in the same situation. It does not encapsulate her entire response, it's just what she wrote here to strangers in a vulnerable moment. Getting fixated on it instead of focusing on the broader picture (OP's daughter needs a plan for approaching the meeting with the principal and it's important she and her mom properly communicate the context of the incident).

When someone catastrophizes in an emotional moment, you can help them by staying grounded in reality, not by flipping it around and criticizing their emotional response to a very upsetting situation. Something to remember when dealing with teens, too.

Wow. I was not attacking at all. And I specifically validated the feelings. I was providing well-intentioned advice on the best things to focus on.

That might have been your intention but it didn't read that way. You lectured her about being "extremely over dramatic." But I didn't find her OP that dramatic. The comment about a ruined summer is almost certainly an exaggeration but likely OP was quoting her kid or voicing her own biggest fears.

Also I was responding to the overall tone of responses here, which I think have focused too much on lecturing OP's emotional response. Amy parent would be emotional upset few hours after learning about an incident like this. It would be a swirl of emotions. Nitpicking those feeling don't really help, OP needs practical advice on what to do, not how to feel.

Spare everyone your lectures and tone policing. PP was not attacking, you had a bad read on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

The bullies know. Sometimes these are the kids of PTA parents or high status parents. They know how the system works and how to work it in their favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

The bullies know. Sometimes these are the kids of PTA parents or high status parents. They know how the system works and how to work it in their favor.

That doesn't fly in high school.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer time
Change schools

Good luck though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reward her for defending herself. Press charges. The school won’t do anything real to the other girl.

She wasn’t in danger and didn’t need to defend herself if the story is accurate and the other girl just pushed her. It turned into a fight with two willing participants and it doesn’t matter who started it.

If the other girl was strangling her or knocked her to the ground then defense by fighting back would be legitimate defending yourself from harm. But not a shave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reward her for defending herself. Press charges. The school won’t do anything real to the other girl.

She wasn’t in danger and didn’t need to defend herself if the story is accurate and the other girl just pushed her. It turned into a fight with two willing participants and it doesn’t matter who started it.

If the other girl was strangling her or knocked her to the ground then defense by fighting back would be legitimate defending yourself from harm. But not a shave.

Says the mother of a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reward her for defending herself. Press charges. The school won’t do anything real to the other girl.

She wasn’t in danger and didn’t need to defend herself if the story is accurate and the other girl just pushed her. It turned into a fight with two willing participants and it doesn’t matter who started it.

If the other girl was strangling her or knocked her to the ground then defense by fighting back would be legitimate defending yourself from harm. But not a shave.

No. If someone shoves my kid, she’d better not turn the other cheek.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

The bullies know. Sometimes these are the kids of PTA parents or high status parents. They know how the system works and how to work it in their favor.

That doesn't fly in high school.

These kids learn the ropes in elementary and then by high school they have it down. How to keep their behavior under the radar or pass it off as innocuous, how to work the refs, and importantly how to select their victims based on status and the likelihood the other student will be believed or supported.

Baiting a lower status kid into getting upset is a classic bullying behavior and if a student is doing this in high school, it's a behavior they've refined over time. Often with the support of parents and/or teachers and admin who either cannot recognize what's happening or who recognize and think it's basically okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

The bullies know. Sometimes these are the kids of PTA parents or high status parents. They know how the system works and how to work it in their favor.

That doesn't fly in high school.

These kids learn the ropes in elementary and then by high school they have it down. How to keep their behavior under the radar or pass it off as innocuous, how to work the refs, and importantly how to select their victims based on status and the likelihood the other student will be believed or supported.

Baiting a lower status kid into getting upset is a classic bullying behavior and if a student is doing this in high school, it's a behavior they've refined over time. Often with the support of parents and/or teachers and admin who either cannot recognize what's happening or who recognize and think it's basically okay.

Why do you think OPs kid is “lower status” the girls used to be friends and had a falling out. Happens in schools everywhere every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reward her for defending herself. Press charges. The school won’t do anything real to the other girl.

She wasn’t in danger and didn’t need to defend herself if the story is accurate and the other girl just pushed her. It turned into a fight with two willing participants and it doesn’t matter who started it.

If the other girl was strangling her or knocked her to the ground then defense by fighting back would be legitimate defending yourself from harm. But not a shave.

No. If someone shoves my kid, she’d better not turn the other cheek.

TBH it's irrelevant to me what choice a bullied kid makes in that situation, in terms of culpability. The focus should be on what provoked it. If the kid being harassed hits back, okay, he's defending himself. If he walks away to end the altercation, also okay, he's de-escalating. That's between him and his parents or therapist or his own value system.

The focus should always be on addressing the bullying/harassing behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

The bullies know. Sometimes these are the kids of PTA parents or high status parents. They know how the system works and how to work it in their favor.

That doesn't fly in high school.

These kids learn the ropes in elementary and then by high school they have it down. How to keep their behavior under the radar or pass it off as innocuous, how to work the refs, and importantly how to select their victims based on status and the likelihood the other student will be believed or supported.

Baiting a lower status kid into getting upset is a classic bullying behavior and if a student is doing this in high school, it's a behavior they've refined over time. Often with the support of parents and/or teachers and admin who either cannot recognize what's happening or who recognize and think it's basically okay.

Why do you think OPs kid is “lower status” the girls used to be friends and had a falling out. Happens in schools everywhere every day.

It does happen every day but if the bullying was ignored and then when the bullied kid lashes out in defense, that's who gets punished, then it is almost always a situation here the bullies have higher status and they've chosen a mark who no one listens to or who has other issues that the behavior will be blamed on. By definition, lower status.

This is how the world works. S**t rolls downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to our kid in the DMV. Was relentlessly bullied verbally and occasionally physically by a cohort of other kids and when our kid finally fought back (verbally), our kid was called into the principal's office to explain themselves, the bullies were brought into the room, and our kid was forced to apologize to the bullies after they had started it. They did not have to apologize to our kid. The school never informed me of this, kid told me later. Grade school. When the adults turn a blind eye, the abused get blamed.

The bullies know. Sometimes these are the kids of PTA parents or high status parents. They know how the system works and how to work it in their favor.

That doesn't fly in high school.

These kids learn the ropes in elementary and then by high school they have it down. How to keep their behavior under the radar or pass it off as innocuous, how to work the refs, and importantly how to select their victims based on status and the likelihood the other student will be believed or supported.

Baiting a lower status kid into getting upset is a classic bullying behavior and if a student is doing this in high school, it's a behavior they've refined over time. Often with the support of parents and/or teachers and admin who either cannot recognize what's happening or who recognize and think it's basically okay.

I see this often but don't understand what the bully gets out of hurting someone. Are they just wired differently and full of rage? Op implied jealousy which is kind of understandable but to carry it for years over a boy sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would her summer be ruined?

Why would her summer be ruined?

+1. What?