Difficult friend ghosted ME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

Co dependency? Huh?

NP and yes. Look it up, because your disappointment with not being the one in control of the relationship and/or its end is peak codependent behavior.

Join CODA, get help. You're not a good friend.

No idea what this means. Join CODA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

Co dependency? Huh?

NP and yes. Look it up, because your disappointment with not being the one in control of the relationship and/or its end is peak codependent behavior.

Join CODA, get help. You're not a good friend.

No idea what this means. Join CODA?

I'm guessing Codependents Anonymous. It exists because often addicts have codependent family and friends who struggle when the addict is in recovery, because it removes their "role" from the addict's life.

But unless OP's friend was an addict, I don't think it's necessary here. It's enough to recognize that her role in the friendship was codependent and to be more self-aware moving forward. Maybe if her feelings about the end of this friendship are very strong or persist, see a therapist. I think sometimes people who are prone to codependent friendships are repeating patterns from childhood, and it can be good to unpack that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

Co dependency? Huh?

NP and yes. Look it up, because your disappointment with not being the one in control of the relationship and/or its end is peak codependent behavior.

Join CODA, get help. You're not a good friend.

No idea what this means. Join CODA?

I'm guessing Codependents Anonymous. It exists because often addicts have codependent family and friends who struggle when the addict is in recovery, because it removes their "role" from the addict's life.

But unless OP's friend was an addict, I don't think it's necessary here. It's enough to recognize that her role in the friendship was codependent and to be more self-aware moving forward. Maybe if her feelings about the end of this friendship are very strong or persist, see a therapist. I think sometimes people who are prone to codependent friendships are repeating patterns from childhood, and it can be good to unpack that.

I’ve never heard of CODA. And fwiw the relationship was not co dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

You called her difficult, said you walked on eggshells, and said "I know I should be relieved" that the friendship is over. That indicates that you didn't really like her. That's not how most people talk about their friends.

But you are "miffed" that she ended the friendship. That's a control issue. Normally someone wouldn't be upset about the end of a friendship that wasn't really serving them. You are. Why?

You don't have to call it codependency if you don't want, but you are upset about an outcome it sounds like you wanted, simply because you weren't the one to make it come about.

[Anonymous]

I was ghosted by a difficult friend (which it took me a long time to even figure out because I give a lot of grace and assume the best of people . . . someone had to clue me in). It was mysterious, and of course unwarranted . . . I put up with YOU, how dare you reject ME?

But obviously if that was the dynamic, what was the point of this friendship to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a difficult friend (which it took me a long time to even figure out because I give a lot of grace and assume the best of people . . . someone had to clue me in). It was mysterious, and of course unwarranted . . . I put up with YOU, how dare you reject ME?

But obviously if that was the dynamic, what was the point of this friendship to begin with.

So close...

The answer for both PP and OP is "because the relationship dynamic you're complaining about met a need or served a purpose for you", most likely a need to feel like an authority, stronger than someone else, smarter, better-off, charitable, etc.

And that's co-dependent behavior, whether the other party is an addict or not. CODA is the right place to explore this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a difficult friend (which it took me a long time to even figure out because I give a lot of grace and assume the best of people . . . someone had to clue me in). It was mysterious, and of course unwarranted . . . I put up with YOU, how dare you reject ME?

But obviously if that was the dynamic, what was the point of this friendship to begin with.

So close...

The answer for both PP and OP is "because the relationship dynamic you're complaining about met a need or served a purpose for you", most likely a need to feel like an authority, stronger than someone else, smarter, better-off, charitable, etc.

And that's co-dependent behavior, whether the other party is an addict or not. CODA is the right place to explore this.

Honey it’s this. Read it again if you refuse to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I should be partially relieved because I often felt I was walking on eggshells with her, but I’m also sort of miffed she is the one who ghosted me. I can’t even quite figure out what I did either.

Anyone btdt?

Walking on Eggshells is the title of a book about borderline personality disorder. Enjoy your peace!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a difficult friend (which it took me a long time to even figure out because I give a lot of grace and assume the best of people . . . someone had to clue me in). It was mysterious, and of course unwarranted . . . I put up with YOU, how dare you reject ME?

But obviously if that was the dynamic, what was the point of this friendship to begin with.

So close...

The answer for both PP and OP is "because the relationship dynamic you're complaining about met a need or served a purpose for you", most likely a need to feel like an authority, stronger than someone else, smarter, better-off, charitable, etc.

And that's co-dependent behavior, whether the other party is an addict or not. CODA is the right place to explore this.

Ding ding.

I also think one of the reasons OP (and this PP) felt "miffed" when the "difficult" friend ended the friendship is that it means that person may have identified the dysfunction and put an end to it first. Which means the difficult friend may actually be more functional at this point. And if your entire friendship is premised on being the functional person who "helps" the difficult friend, that can be very hard to take.

[Anonymous]

You don't like each other. It's likely difficult all around. Stop obsessing over it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a difficult friend (which it took me a long time to even figure out because I give a lot of grace and assume the best of people . . . someone had to clue me in). It was mysterious, and of course unwarranted . . . I put up with YOU, how dare you reject ME?

But obviously if that was the dynamic, what was the point of this friendship to begin with.

So close...

The answer for both PP and OP is "because the relationship dynamic you're complaining about met a need or served a purpose for you", most likely a need to feel like an authority, stronger than someone else, smarter, better-off, charitable, etc.

And that's co-dependent behavior, whether the other party is an addict or not. CODA is the right place to explore this.

Ding ding.

I also think one of the reasons OP (and this PP) felt "miffed" when the "difficult" friend ended the friendship is that it means that person may have identified the dysfunction and put an end to it first. Which means the difficult friend may actually be more functional at this point. And if your entire friendship is premised on being the functional person who "helps" the difficult friend, that can be very hard to take.

Has anyone ever suggested you have BPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

LOL. That's EXACTLY what you said. You wanted to be the one to ghost them. I wish you well on your journey.

[Anonymous]

She just proved to you that she’s a PIA. Time to move on and enjoy the freedom from her nonsense!