Difficult friend ghosted ME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

You called her difficult, said you walked on eggshells, and said "I know I should be relieved" that the friendship is over. That indicates that you didn't really like her. That's not how most people talk about their friends.

But you are "miffed" that she ended the friendship. That's a control issue. Normally someone wouldn't be upset about the end of a friendship that wasn't really serving them. You are. Why?

You don't have to call it codependency if you don't want, but you are upset about an outcome it sounds like you wanted, simply because you weren't the one to make it come about.

dp, who is on team op. I have a situation with a friend who always changes the subject when I share about my life. I have often had the "walking on eggshells" feeling around her, as if I can't speak freely. This is a dynamic between the both of us, we are each "difficult." I need to speak up for myself when I feel sidelined and she needs to listen without changing the subject. I once asked her if we could work on our dynamic and she said, "I am who I am." Op, the reason you aren't relieved is because this was a missed opportunity for mutual growth and deepening of friendship. I kind of wish my difficult friend would ghost me...then I can avoid difficult conversations. Let it go and keep trying to build friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

You called her difficult, said you walked on eggshells, and said "I know I should be relieved" that the friendship is over. That indicates that you didn't really like her. That's not how most people talk about their friends.

But you are "miffed" that she ended the friendship. That's a control issue. Normally someone wouldn't be upset about the end of a friendship that wasn't really serving them. You are. Why?

You don't have to call it codependency if you don't want, but you are upset about an outcome it sounds like you wanted, simply because you weren't the one to make it come about.

dp, who is on team op. I have a situation with a friend who always changes the subject when I share about my life. I have often had the "walking on eggshells" feeling around her, as if I can't speak freely. This is a dynamic between the both of us, we are each "difficult." I need to speak up for myself when I feel sidelined and she needs to listen without changing the subject. I once asked her if we could work on our dynamic and she said, "I am who I am." Op, the reason you aren't relieved is because this was a missed opportunity for mutual growth and deepening of friendship. I kind of wish my difficult friend would ghost me...then I can avoid difficult conversations. Let it go and keep trying to build friendships.

Wow, insanely codependent. I would have ceased the friendship after the conversation where you asked to work on the dynamic and she told you "I am who I am." That's an unequivocal statement. That you have persisted with the friendship and now wish she'd ghost you is nuts. You don't even need to have a difficult conversation -- you already did. And you aren't married or cohabitating. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

You called her difficult, said you walked on eggshells, and said "I know I should be relieved" that the friendship is over. That indicates that you didn't really like her. That's not how most people talk about their friends.

But you are "miffed" that she ended the friendship. That's a control issue. Normally someone wouldn't be upset about the end of a friendship that wasn't really serving them. You are. Why?

You don't have to call it codependency if you don't want, but you are upset about an outcome it sounds like you wanted, simply because you weren't the one to make it come about.

dp, who is on team op. I have a situation with a friend who always changes the subject when I share about my life. I have often had the "walking on eggshells" feeling around her, as if I can't speak freely. This is a dynamic between the both of us, we are each "difficult." I need to speak up for myself when I feel sidelined and she needs to listen without changing the subject. I once asked her if we could work on our dynamic and she said, "I am who I am." Op, the reason you aren't relieved is because this was a missed opportunity for mutual growth and deepening of friendship. I kind of wish my difficult friend would ghost me...then I can avoid difficult conversations. Let it go and keep trying to build friendships.

Wow, insanely codependent. I would have ceased the friendship after the conversation where you asked to work on the dynamic and she told you "I am who I am." That's an unequivocal statement. That you have persisted with the friendship and now wish she'd ghost you is nuts. You don't even need to have a difficult conversation -- you already did. And you aren't married or cohabitating. Just move on.

Same. I'm kind of shocked that the PP doesn't just move on. That she hopes the friend would ghost her is very telling. PP, you need to get a backbone and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

You called her difficult, said you walked on eggshells, and said "I know I should be relieved" that the friendship is over. That indicates that you didn't really like her. That's not how most people talk about their friends.

But you are "miffed" that she ended the friendship. That's a control issue. Normally someone wouldn't be upset about the end of a friendship that wasn't really serving them. You are. Why?

You don't have to call it codependency if you don't want, but you are upset about an outcome it sounds like you wanted, simply because you weren't the one to make it come about.

dp, who is on team op. I have a situation with a friend who always changes the subject when I share about my life. I have often had the "walking on eggshells" feeling around her, as if I can't speak freely. This is a dynamic between the both of us, we are each "difficult." I need to speak up for myself when I feel sidelined and she needs to listen without changing the subject. I once asked her if we could work on our dynamic and she said, "I am who I am." Op, the reason you aren't relieved is because this was a missed opportunity for mutual growth and deepening of friendship. I kind of wish my difficult friend would ghost me...then I can avoid difficult conversations. Let it go and keep trying to build friendships.

Wow, insanely codependent. I would have ceased the friendship after the conversation where you asked to work on the dynamic and she told you "I am who I am." That's an unequivocal statement. That you have persisted with the friendship and now wish she'd ghost you is nuts. You don't even need to have a difficult conversation -- you already did. And you aren't married or cohabitating. Just move on.

Same. I'm kind of shocked that the PP doesn't just move on. That she hopes the friend would ghost her is very telling. PP, you need to get a backbone and move on.

I guess I am codependent...newly discovered, which is why I gave boundaries a shot. This is a long term friend and I suppose I held on hope that she would change. Interestingly, I have an amazing marriage with no weirdness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your disappointment in her ending the friendship is a sign of codependency.

Some people really like, and even seek out, being in the role of judge within a friendship. They like a dynamic where the other person has problems, and they sit back and evaluate how that person is doing with those problems. Sometimes people like this also want to be a teacher/advisor, and then they will evaluate how their "friend" executes their advice. But it's an inherently unequal relationship where the judge is always above the other person. A fixer and the person being fixed.

This dynamic SUCKS for the person on the other side. It can be demeaning, bad for self-esteem, and can actually make it harder for that person to address real problems in their life because the relationship will cause them to doubt their own instincts and abilities, or to question if they even have the agency necessary to make a change.

If this describes your friendship, then what likely happened is that your friend woke up to the way that your friendship was holding them back from actually improving their life, and they ghosted to escape the negative dynamics. Your feeling of loss and disappointment is not in losing the friend, it's in losing your role as judge, from which you might have derived a sense of superiority and self-worth.

So perhaps you should ask yourself why this bothers you. It sounds to me like you don't like that your friend exercised agency over her own life.

All of this, and a bit more: the sort of "friend" who constantly has unsolicited advice for their "friends" is using "friendship" to distract from working on their own stuff. OP, go work on yourself. Figure out why you're disappointed losing this "difficult" friend, and what that friendship was providing you. You could've ended the "friendship" a long time ago, but you didn't. That has nothing to do with your former "friend".

What are you talking about?

OP, were you assuming everyone would respond "wow how terrible, your friend that you clearly don't like very much should have waited until you ended the friendship, as a courtesy"?

You are complaining that a friend you didn't like ended the friendship you didn't seem like you wanted. It makes no sense. The codependency theory actually explains why you are bothered by this.

Where did I say any of that? And I never said I didn’t like the friend at all, only that I did often feel like I had to walk on eggshells. You are filling in a lot. I wish you well on your journey.

You called her difficult, said you walked on eggshells, and said "I know I should be relieved" that the friendship is over. That indicates that you didn't really like her. That's not how most people talk about their friends.

But you are "miffed" that she ended the friendship. That's a control issue. Normally someone wouldn't be upset about the end of a friendship that wasn't really serving them. You are. Why?

You don't have to call it codependency if you don't want, but you are upset about an outcome it sounds like you wanted, simply because you weren't the one to make it come about.

dp, who is on team op. I have a situation with a friend who always changes the subject when I share about my life. I have often had the "walking on eggshells" feeling around her, as if I can't speak freely. This is a dynamic between the both of us, we are each "difficult." I need to speak up for myself when I feel sidelined and she needs to listen without changing the subject. I once asked her if we could work on our dynamic and she said, "I am who I am." Op, the reason you aren't relieved is because this was a missed opportunity for mutual growth and deepening of friendship. I kind of wish my difficult friend would ghost me...then I can avoid difficult conversations. Let it go and keep trying to build friendships.

Wow, insanely codependent. I would have ceased the friendship after the conversation where you asked to work on the dynamic and she told you "I am who I am." That's an unequivocal statement. That you have persisted with the friendship and now wish she'd ghost you is nuts. You don't even need to have a difficult conversation -- you already did. And you aren't married or cohabitating. Just move on.

Same. I'm kind of shocked that the PP doesn't just move on. That she hopes the friend would ghost her is very telling. PP, you need to get a backbone and move on.

I guess I am codependent...newly discovered, which is why I gave boundaries a shot. This is a long term friend and I suppose I held on hope that she would change. Interestingly, I have an amazing marriage with no weirdness.

Sure you do.