26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your DH ever agree to this?

I would give him an ultimatum that either Larla pursues a diagnosis and treatment, life skills coaching, and a group home, or she moves out of your home permanently. Now.

This.

Literally no one is this helpless unless they are mentally impaired.

You and your husband don’t seem to understand this is highly abnormal. She’ll be there forever if you let her.

[Anonymous]

How did we get here? . Why does she live w you ?
She needs to go.. ASAP. Does she have a mother and father ?

She’s not your child nor responsibility.
You have a husband maybe even you problem as he sold you on this BS arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Tell your DH he has a month to speak with his family and get her a different place to live.

Then, if he doesn't, you pack her bag for her and you bring her to her parents' house and leave her there.

[Anonymous]

OP - She’s stayed with us a few times before, but those were always brief visits. I think that’s led her to believe she can come and go as she pleases. She does the same thing with her other siblings too, and it seems like she’s developed this expectation that whenever she needs somewhere to stay, one of us will take her in.

I don’t mind having her live with us; I genuinely want to help her. What I’m questioning is whether it’s worth continuing to try to push her toward independence when she doesn’t seem to care about it herself. She refuses to work because she says it’s too boring. Her parents pay for everything—her phone, health insurance, etc. If she wants something, my husband or I will usually buy it, and she doesn’t spend a lot.

As for college, yes, she managed to finish. Her parents and siblings would rotate staying with her in the dorm, so she was never truly left to handle things on her own. Since it was an in-state school, she was able to get through, but again, she never really learned to be independent. She’s had a lot of people around her taking care of things, coddled, so I don’t think she ever had to figure things out for herself.

She also doesn’t have any diagnoses. Some people asked about that. I’ve wondered about neurodivergence, and someone mentioned dependent personality disorder, which honestly does sound like it could fit her in some ways. She feels too young to be out on her own, it’s scary,etc.

The thing is, when she actually learns something, she can do it and she does it well. But she just doesn’t keep doing it or take responsibility for it long term. If we shut the wifi off, she wouldn’t even care—she’d just sleep and then talk my ear off once her siblings get off the phone. I’ve seen it happen many times. She’ll be on the phone with them for four hours, and once they hang up she’ll come find me and keep talking.

So I know she’s capable, but she’s just waiting for someone else to manage everything for her. That’s the part that’s draining. But I don’t know if I can keep trying to get her to care.

[Anonymous]

Staying WITH HER in the dorm? JFC. Does your husband's family think this is normal? They all sound enmeshed and in denial.

It sounds like you totally do mind having her live with you, because of the pouting and the constant need for rides and for help with every little thing.

You say "I know she's capable" because she learns a few things here and there. But that's a far cry from being able to manage a job and a home. She sounds like very impaired in executive functioning so she can learn a few things but she can't executive-function all day like adults are supposed to do. And also DPD, so she can learn a few things but she avoids learning the things that would create the expectation of independence. So I would say she's very much NOT capable, and she isn't going to become capable without major intervention and the family cease enabling her. If you don't want to be caring for her, you need to get her OUT.

[Anonymous]

Guys, OP is a troll. This isn't real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids were more independent in elementary school.

Stop enabling her.

I was going to say, my 6 year old is more helpful than that 26 year old.

[Anonymous]

Yeah this is a troll. No one's family comes to stay with them in a dorm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - She’s stayed with us a few times before, but those were always brief visits. I think that’s led her to believe she can come and go as she pleases. She does the same thing with her other siblings too, and it seems like she’s developed this expectation that whenever she needs somewhere to stay, one of us will take her in.

I don’t mind having her live with us; I genuinely want to help her. What I’m questioning is whether it’s worth continuing to try to push her toward independence when she doesn’t seem to care about it herself. She refuses to work because she says it’s too boring. Her parents pay for everything—her phone, health insurance, etc. If she wants something, my husband or I will usually buy it, and she doesn’t spend a lot.

As for college, yes, she managed to finish. Her parents and siblings would rotate staying with her in the dorm, so she was never truly left to handle things on her own. Since it was an in-state school, she was able to get through, but again, she never really learned to be independent. She’s had a lot of people around her taking care of things, coddled, so I don’t think she ever had to figure things out for herself.

She also doesn’t have any diagnoses. Some people asked about that. I’ve wondered about neurodivergence, and someone mentioned dependent personality disorder, which honestly does sound like it could fit her in some ways. She feels too young to be out on her own, it’s scary,etc.

The thing is, when she actually learns something, she can do it and she does it well. But she just doesn’t keep doing it or take responsibility for it long term. If we shut the wifi off, she wouldn’t even care—she’d just sleep and then talk my ear off once her siblings get off the phone. I’ve seen it happen many times. She’ll be on the phone with them for four hours, and once they hang up she’ll come find me and keep talking.

So I know she’s capable, but she’s just waiting for someone else to manage everything for her. That’s the part that’s draining. But I don’t know if I can keep trying to get her to care.

SHE HAS AUTISM. It's as clear a day. You don't say when this was ruled out by a psychologist's practice, so I'm going to guess that she was never thoroughly evaluated by the right professional. She needs to be treated like an barely-functioning autistic person: ie, someone who can do things when taught explicitly and in incremental steps, but needs to manage extreme anxiety, very rigid patterns of thought, and emotional dysregulation (which you described). Specifically, she needs DBT therapy and anxiety meds to help her along with her progress. Someone in her family needs to actually inform themselves, and teach her all the things she needs to know. Her outings, her money to buy stuff, her phone, etc, should all be contingent on her making progress towards a series of goals. She needs to buy into the plan, otherwise she will balk. The reason she doesn't want to do anything by herself is that she is very, very scared of the outside world. She's not lazy. She needs gradual and very systematic exposure to a series of progressively more complex tasks.

This is so obvious from my perspective, that of a parent of an autistic child. I'm also going to guess that her parents are a bit spectrum-y themselves, for them to miss these dire symptoms, and they're probably in deep denial that their daughter has autism and needs serious help.

[Anonymous]

I’m not reading all this. SHE KNOWS HOW TO CLEAN. She has to stay somewhere else if she doesn’t. End of.

[Anonymous]

Honestly her behaviors sounds like someone I know who is intellectually disabled. Has she been evaluated for that?

[Anonymous]

It’s learned helplessness. She has figured out if she pretends she can’t ever learn to do anything someone will do it for her.

OP you need to start with baby steps. Tell her you don’t have time to make breakfast so if she wants to eat breakfast there is cereal and bread to make toast. The coffee pot is theye and leave out a measure cup of coffee grounds. Then don’t make breakfast for get no matter how much she whines and complains.

She has learned if she pouts or pretends she can’t do something others will do it for her since she has 8 older siblings. You need to wait her out and when she says she can’t make coffee or messes up making coffee (this will be on purpose), you explain again how to make it and send her a YouTube it TikTok video on making it.

Her way has absolutely worked out so she leads a pampered life. My cousin is like this because she grew up with servants who literally do everything for her. When she visits our house she thinks we are supposed to wait in her. Nope, we just explain how to do thjngs and if she breaks a coffee cup we but disposable ones. If she says the coffee tastes awful we say try again.

The first time she actually made coffee we took pictures and made a big deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying WITH HER in the dorm? JFC. Does your husband's family think this is normal? They all sound enmeshed and in denial.

It sounds like you totally do mind having her live with you, because of the pouting and the constant need for rides and for help with every little thing.

You say "I know she's capable" because she learns a few things here and there. But that's a far cry from being able to manage a job and a home. She sounds like very impaired in executive functioning so she can learn a few things but she can't executive-function all day like adults are supposed to do. And also DPD, so she can learn a few things but she avoids learning the things that would create the expectation of independence. So I would say she's very much NOT capable, and she isn't going to become capable without major intervention and the family cease enabling her. If you don't want to be caring for her, you need to get her OUT.

+1

[Anonymous]

Pack her up and drive her home and when she gets into another fight with her parents and tries to come tell, tell her that she can go live with one of her other 7 older siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - She’s stayed with us a few times before, but those were always brief visits. I think that’s led her to believe she can come and go as she pleases. She does the same thing with her other siblings too, and it seems like she’s developed this expectation that whenever she needs somewhere to stay, one of us will take her in.

I don’t mind having her live with us; I genuinely want to help her. What I’m questioning is whether it’s worth continuing to try to push her toward independence when she doesn’t seem to care about it herself. She refuses to work because she says it’s too boring. Her parents pay for everything—her phone, health insurance, etc. If she wants something, my husband or I will usually buy it, and she doesn’t spend a lot.

As for college, yes, she managed to finish. Her parents and siblings would rotate staying with her in the dorm, so she was never truly left to handle things on her own. Since it was an in-state school, she was able to get through, but again, she never really learned to be independent. She’s had a lot of people around her taking care of things, coddled, so I don’t think she ever had to figure things out for herself.

She also doesn’t have any diagnoses. Some people asked about that. I’ve wondered about neurodivergence, and someone mentioned dependent personality disorder, which honestly does sound like it could fit her in some ways. She feels too young to be out on her own, it’s scary,etc.

The thing is, when she actually learns something, she can do it and she does it well. But she just doesn’t keep doing it or take responsibility for it long term. If we shut the wifi off, she wouldn’t even care—she’d just sleep and then talk my ear off once her siblings get off the phone. I’ve seen it happen many times. She’ll be on the phone with them for four hours, and once they hang up she’ll come find me and keep talking.

So I know she’s capable, but she’s just waiting for someone else to manage everything for her. That’s the part that’s draining. But I don’t know if I can keep trying to get her to care.

I want to say that this cannot possibly be real, but you are putting a lot of time into these posts ...

Since there are so many siblings and everyone seems ok with this you have a few choices:

-go along to get along with some soft limits - i.e. - stop doing things for her in a neutral way. Stop the packing, the driving, the whatever. Maybe she will want to leave if she's not catered to.
-get your husband on board with enforcing some limits and requiring a bit more from her - like watching the kids, helping with meal prep and cleaning.
-put your foot down and schedule a move out day.

I wouldn't spend any more time trying to help her unless she seems receptive to it or you have support from the rest of the family. In a way, this is incredibly sad. She should have her whole life in front of her and she's this sad shut in with nothing going for her.