Reply to 26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - She’s stayed with us a few times before, but those were always brief visits. I think that’s led her to believe she can come and go as she pleases. She does the same thing with her other siblings too, and it seems like she’s developed this expectation that whenever she needs somewhere to stay, one of us will take her in.

I don’t mind having her live with us; I genuinely want to help her. What I’m questioning is whether it’s worth continuing to try to push her toward independence when she doesn’t seem to care about it herself. She refuses to work because she says it’s too boring.  Her parents pay for everything—her phone, health insurance, etc. If she wants something, my husband or I will usually buy it, and she doesn’t spend a lot.

As for college, yes, she managed to finish. Her parents and siblings would rotate staying with her in the dorm, so she was never truly left to handle things on her own. Since it was an in-state school, she was able to get through, but again, she never really learned to be independent. She’s had a lot of people around her taking care of things, coddled, so I don’t think she ever had to figure things out for herself.

[b]She also doesn’t have any diagnoses[/b]. Some people asked about that. I’ve wondered about neurodivergence, and someone mentioned dependent personality disorder, which honestly does sound like it could fit her in some ways. She feels too young to be out on her own, it’s scary,etc.

The thing is, when she actually learns something, she can do it and she does it well. But she just doesn’t keep doing it or take responsibility for it long term. If we shut the wifi off, she wouldn’t even care—she’d just sleep and then talk my ear off once her siblings get off the phone. I’ve seen it happen many times. She’ll be on the phone with them for four hours, and once they hang up she’ll come find me and keep talking.

So I know she’s capable, but she’s just waiting for someone else to manage everything for her. That’s the part that’s draining. But I don’t know if I can keep trying to get her to care. [/quote]

SHE HAS AUTISM. It's as clear a day. You don't say when this was ruled out by a psychologist's practice, so I'm going to guess that she was never thoroughly evaluated by the right professional. She needs to be treated like an barely-functioning autistic person: ie, someone who can do things when taught explicitly and in incremental steps, but needs to manage extreme anxiety, very rigid patterns of thought, and emotional dysregulation (which you described). Specifically, she needs DBT therapy and anxiety meds to help her along with her progress. Someone in her family needs to actually inform themselves, and teach her all the things she needs to know. Her outings, her money to buy stuff, her phone, etc, should all be contingent on her making progress towards a series of goals. She needs to buy into the plan, otherwise she will balk. The reason she doesn't want to do anything by herself is that she is very, very scared of the outside world. She's not lazy. She needs gradual and very systematic exposure to a series of progressively more complex tasks.

This is so obvious from my perspective, that of a parent of an autistic child. I'm also going to guess that her parents are a bit spectrum-y themselves, for them to miss these dire symptoms, and they're probably in deep denial that their daughter has autism and needs serious help.

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