Reply to 26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - She’s stayed with us a few times before, but those were always brief visits. I think that’s led her to believe she can come and go as she pleases. She does the same thing with her other siblings too, and it seems like she’s developed this expectation that whenever she needs somewhere to stay, one of us will take her in.

I don’t mind having her live with us; I genuinely want to help her. What I’m questioning is whether it’s worth continuing to try to push her toward independence when she doesn’t seem to care about it herself. She refuses to work because she says it’s too boring.  Her parents pay for everything—her phone, health insurance, etc. If she wants something, my husband or I will usually buy it, and she doesn’t spend a lot.

As for college, yes, she managed to finish. Her parents and siblings would rotate staying with her in the dorm, so she was never truly left to handle things on her own. Since it was an in-state school, she was able to get through, but again, she never really learned to be independent. She’s had a lot of people around her taking care of things, coddled, so I don’t think she ever had to figure things out for herself.

She also doesn’t have any diagnoses. Some people asked about that. I’ve wondered about neurodivergence, and someone mentioned dependent personality disorder, which honestly does sound like it could fit her in some ways. She feels too young to be out on her own, it’s scary,etc.

The thing is, when she actually learns something, she can do it and she does it well. But she just doesn’t keep doing it or take responsibility for it long term. If we shut the wifi off, she wouldn’t even care—she’d just sleep and then talk my ear off once her siblings get off the phone. I’ve seen it happen many times. She’ll be on the phone with them for four hours, and once they hang up she’ll come find me and keep talking.

So I know she’s capable, but she’s just waiting for someone else to manage everything for her. That’s the part that’s draining. But I don’t know if I can keep trying to get her to care. [/quote]

I want to say that this cannot possibly be real, but you are putting a lot of time into these posts ...

Since there are so many siblings and everyone seems ok with this you have a few choices:

-go along to get along with some soft limits - i.e. - stop doing things for her in a neutral way. Stop the packing, the driving, the whatever. Maybe she will want to leave if she's not catered to.
-get your husband on board with enforcing some limits and requiring a bit more from her - like watching the kids, helping with meal prep and cleaning.
-put your foot down and schedule a move out day.

I wouldn't spend any more time trying to help her unless she seems receptive to it or you have support from the rest of the family. In a way, this is incredibly sad. She should have her whole life in front of her and she's this sad shut in with nothing going for her.[/quote]

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