26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

[Anonymous]

Why is your DH allowing this? Send her home. She knows people don't stand up to her and she has learned how to take advantage.

This won't stop until she is forced to take charge of her own life.

You and your DH are not doing her any favors.

I also get this is easy to say when it isn't your family. But that doesn't make it any less true. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a whole lot of text for three relevant sentences:

"My sister-in-law (26) has been living with us for a few months now, and I’m honestly losing my patience...

Before moving in with us, she lived with my parents-in-law, but she’d get upset with them over small things and refuse to talk to them because they “did something to make her mad.” Then she’d come to us asking if she could stay with us, and once she did, she got comfortable and decided she never wanted to go back."

You should have never let her stay with you! Duh!! The answer should have been "no" - that's on YOU.

Stop nudging, judging, encouraging, incentives, discussions, STOP. All of it. Assuming your husband is on the same page (if not, that's a different kettle of fish), you two sit her down and your husband says:

"Larla, we love you, and we loving having you as our sister and friend. However, we're not willing to have you live here indefinitely. We want to give you time to figure out your next steps. It's currently March 6th. You need to move out by May 1st. If there are things you would like advice on, such as job searching or apartment searching, we are happy to help. But on May 1st, you need to be out."

I'm sure Miss Helpless will say something like "but there's no where for me to go?! What will I doooo?!?" and you calmly say, "I'm confident you will figure it out. Take a day or two to think about it, and if you have specific questions about job or apartment hunting, as I said, we're happy to help. But this is your responsibility."

Then you remind her weekly in a single sentence ("Just a reminder, Larla, that you need to be out by May 1st, that's in X weeks"), and you don't bring it up in any other way. No "how's the apartment search going?" or "have you found a job yet?" Not. Your. Problem.

Worst case, she ends up back at your in-laws and she's out of your hair. Best case, maybe she starts growing up a bit.

Also, if she did get a job, even if it was minimum wage, I would not only give her tips for apartment hunting, I'd also offer to pay the first months rent and security deposit on a new apartment, on the condition that she shows you a budget demonstrating she'll be able to afford it on her wages. Though I wouldn't bring that up until AFTER she got a job.

+100

[Anonymous]

I think looping her in with the kids could work. Are they young enough to need a babysitter? Have her take them outside or play with them at home.
Otherwise she is like a preteen and you need to teach her all the things you teach your 10 year olds!

[Anonymous]

If your husband doesn’t go along with sending her back to her parents, make him do EVERYTHING for her (not you). I am baffled why you ever allowed her to move into your home.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. Stop doing anything for her!

[Anonymous]

I was ready to assume things until the part about
SHE WENT TO COLLEGE?!?!?!??

Pack her up and drive her back home.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like something psychiatric/medical or a troll. If you are real, talk to DH about the problem and then he needs to get his parents on board with helping their daughter gain life skills and whatever treatment she needs.

[Anonymous]

I would send her back to her parents ASAP. The longer she stays the more rights she may get. And yes, make this massively your DH's problem. Passive resistance and also active resistance. Whatever she asks you, direct her to your DH. If he is not there, she has to wait until he gets back or she can ask her parents.

Make it awkward. If your DH or ILs hassle you, say "I did not agree to host a dependent adult. Larla can learn to take care of herself or you can do it for you, but I will not." And stick to it.

[Anonymous]

You should not have packed her bag or driven her anywhere! Let the sisters come get her and pack for her. Stop enabling this. Say "Larla, you can do this task on your own" and walk out of the room. If people are unhappy about this, direct them to your DH or invite them to come pick up Larla.

Check out the SPACE Protocol for failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

What is her health insurance situation? Where does she get money? Who pays for her phone? If it's you, stop paying. Oh, and sometimes in this situation a house's internet service becomes very unreliable. It happened to my dad when my stepbrother was FTL. The dang internet just went on and off unpredictability, and it would stay off for hours! It was a mystery.

Stop buying any grocery requests, don't do her laundry or anything else for her, and no rides. Whatever she asks you, tell her "You can handle that on your own" and "I can help you get a job".

[Anonymous]

How do you know she’s capable? She sounds similar to my kid, who has an invisible disability - dyspraxia - that severely impacts her, though she appears perfectly normal. It also sounds like your SIL has severe executive function challenges. Or perhaps it’s dependent personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Sounds textbook dependent personality disorder:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9783-dependent-personality-disorder

[Anonymous]

Why did your DH ever agree to this?

I would give him an ultimatum that either Larla pursues a diagnosis and treatment, life skills coaching, and a group home, or she moves out of your home permanently. Now.

[Anonymous]

Does the family acknowledge her disability or is it not to be spoken aloud?

Either way, she seems unlikely to change, so this is a problem of getting her out of your house.

[Anonymous]

Where is the OP?