26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

[Anonymous]

Looks like she is smart and knows how to wrap people around her finger. It works for some young women, getting men to do things for them. But siblings and SIL? It seems this is something she learned from home as a "baby". I understand you don't mind a 26 yo as it's still young (even though many people are in managerial roles by then), but imagine a 36 or a 46 or a 56 yo? Because this is where you end up if you do nothing. You know what to do. Pack her bags and send her back to her parents.

[Anonymous]

And of course you stop doing things for her! No making dinner, packing bags, driving around! Say you're not available! Hope you're a troll because this is absurd! How are you raising your own kids if you cannot say no???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - She’s stayed with us a few times before, but those were always brief visits. I think that’s led her to believe she can come and go as she pleases. She does the same thing with her other siblings too, and it seems like she’s developed this expectation that whenever she needs somewhere to stay, one of us will take her in.

I don’t mind having her live with us; I genuinely want to help her. What I’m questioning is whether it’s worth continuing to try to push her toward independence when she doesn’t seem to care about it herself. She refuses to work because she says it’s too boring. Her parents pay for everything—her phone, health insurance, etc. If she wants something, my husband or I will usually buy it, and she doesn’t spend a lot.

As for college, yes, she managed to finish. Her parents and siblings would rotate staying with her in the dorm, so she was never truly left to handle things on her own. Since it was an in-state school, she was able to get through, but again, she never really learned to be independent. She’s had a lot of people around her taking care of things, coddled, so I don’t think she ever had to figure things out for herself.

She also doesn’t have any diagnoses. Some people asked about that. I’ve wondered about neurodivergence, and someone mentioned dependent personality disorder, which honestly does sound like it could fit her in some ways. She feels too young to be out on her own, it’s scary,etc.

The thing is, when she actually learns something, she can do it and she does it well. But she just doesn’t keep doing it or take responsibility for it long term. If we shut the wifi off, she wouldn’t even care—she’d just sleep and then talk my ear off once her siblings get off the phone. I’ve seen it happen many times. She’ll be on the phone with them for four hours, and once they hang up she’ll come find me and keep talking.

So I know she’s capable, but she’s just waiting for someone else to manage everything for her. That’s the part that’s draining. But I don’t know if I can keep trying to get her to care.

So set some boundaries -
“You’ve been with us for x months now and this is the longest stay we’ve had with you. There are a few expectations I need to set in order for you to stay here long term.

Beginning tomorrow I need you to-
- keep your room clean on a daily basis. That means bed made every morning and things off the floor
- set the table every day (I will show you a couple times until you get it)
- make breakfast and dinner x times a week (learn recipes if you need to)
- and sporadically help out around the house with babysitting and groceries

What do you need to be successful at these things? If this doesn’t work for you then you’ll need to move back in with your parents

Setting these expectations will ultimately be a gift you give her.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, and I second everyone above that say stop doing things for her.

If she can’t pack the so be it. She ends up with nothing to wear on a trip. If she can’t get dinner together then she doesn’t etc. If she needs to go somewhere 5 blocks away and won’t walk you do not offer a ride. You also need to stop saving her in these small ways.

[Anonymous]

She should not be living in your house

and btw, when she's no longer living with you, don't answer your phone

You and your DH (and the rest of his family) are almost as ridiculous as she is

[Anonymous]

Too much writing from the OP about without ever mentioning:

- Where on earth her husband is in all of this (presumedly blissfully unaware?)

- What the medical background of this young woman is (OP says no diagnosis but unclear if eval has ever been done and clearly there are issues)

OP is your H's family first generation or otherwise not US-born? I say this only because this kind of enmeshment and absence of boundaries is common in multi-generational households, as is dumping responsibilities for family members in need on the wife.

[Anonymous]

Send her to live with one of her other 7 siblings and be done with it. She can call your husband instead.

[Anonymous]

You’re a good SIL, OP, a really good one. I would’ve kicked her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re a good SIL, OP, a really good one. I would’ve kicked her out.

+100. I'd be billing her and/or your dh's parents for back rent as well.

[Anonymous]

Throw all her stuff in garbage bags and put in trunk.
Tell her you are all going out for ice cream with her family.
Drive to her parent's house, fump her and her stuff off. Include gallon of ice cream.

[Anonymous]

Why is your husband ok with any of this?

[Anonymous]

This definitely feels like a troll (the story that her family "rotated" staying with her in her dorm during college was a bridge too far for me), but on the very off chance this is real, it's really classic case of family enabling to essentially give someone a disability. Like I'm not hearing ADHD or autism at all, I'm hearing someone who has literally never been allowed to fail or be forced to deal with a problem on her own, even a problem that is extremely low stakes like having to be on her own for dinner one night.

While OP is probably trolling, I've definitely encountered less extreme versions of this IRL. Young people (some eventually not so young) whose family and other loved ones work to make sure the individual never experiences any negative consequences for certain behaviors. Often youngest kids in big families -- it's a stereotype for a reason. Just a bunch of people telling them their entire life that their own bad behavior is "not your fault, you're still learning" while at the same time always punishing others for anything that hurts their feelings because "she's your little sister, you have to take care of her!" It screws people up. Not to this degree, the people I've known like this were a lot more functional than this and could, for instance, hold down at least a basic job or live independently. But still emotionally and socially stunted.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like her parents overlooked her problems and did not get her diagnosed.

That is the problem with having so many kids. Two parents can barely track all that needs tracking with nine others.