26-Year-Old Sister-in-Law Acts Like a Child and Relies on Us for Everything

[Anonymous]

My sister-in-law (26) has been living with us for a few months now, and I’m honestly losing my patience. She has no independence at all and doesn’t seem to know anything about the real world. She’s never worked, never learned how to cook or clean, or even do basic things like laundry. It’s like she has no interest in doing any of these things, even though she’s fully capable. Shes never driven a car before and doesn’t even have a permit. She’s completely dependent on others, and it’s honestly exhausting.

What really gets to me is how little she actually knows or does on her own. She doesn’t know anything about basic adult responsibilities—like rent, utilities, what to buy at the store, or how to take care of herself. She doesn’t care to learn about anything related to the “real world” and seems perfectly content to just have other people handle everything. She’s never had to think about budgeting, figuring out how to live, or even managing her own time. She wouldn’t know what to do if she had to live alone or get a job.

She expects others to solve all her problems. If anything goes wrong, she comes straight to me or my husband asking, “What do I do?” instead of trying herself, even with simple things like deciding what to wear, what to eat, or making herself a cup of coffee. She won’t make plans, look for a job, or manage her own schedule unless someone pushes her. She has zero initiative. When she doesn’t get her way, she sulks, gives the silent treatment, or acts passive-aggressive. It’s really draining, and no amount of encouraging her to try on her own seems to work.

Her daily life is mostly the same every day: she wakes up, asks what I made for breakfast, spends hours on her phone, talks to her siblings, takes a nap, plays with the kids, and asks for dinner. Most days she’s at home, and if she needs to go anywhere, I’m usually the one who ends up taking her. She doesn’t go anywhere by herself—she won’t even walk a few blocks alone, and can't handle basic errands on her own.

She wouldn’t know what to do in an emergency, like if she lost her keys, or had a minor accident. She’d just stand there waiting for someone else to fix it.
She can’t handle basic household tasks—like setting the table, cleaning her own space, or dealing with minor issues around the house. I constantly find myself cleaning up after her. Her room is always a mess, and if I ask her to tidy up, she acts like it’s not her problem. Last week, I asked her to help set the table for dinner, and she didn’t even know where to start with the plates, utensils, or napkins. It took me way longer to get everything ready because she couldn’t make basic decisions on her own.

And then there’s packing a bag—another simple thing that becomes a huge ordeal. When she needed to visit her sisters. I asked her to pack a bag. She sat there for ages, saying she didn’t know what outfit to wear or how to fold the clothes into the suitcase. I ended up doing everything, and she still insisted I drive her there, even though it’s only ten minutes away. It’s like every task is a major hurdle.

She also gets upset over small things that wouldn’t bother most people. The other day, I mentioned I was going to take the kids out before dinner, and she got mad at me for “ignoring her.” I was busy with the kids and getting dinner ready—of course I wasn’t ignoring her! But she sulked and avoided talking to me for hours over something so minor. Another time, she got really upset because we left her “bored and hungry” one evening. We were both at work and our kids were elsewhere. We ordered her favorite food for her, but she didn’t eat it because she refused to open the door and grab it, because she was alone. Well, she called me and said she was hungry, well, eat something else is what I told her.

Before moving in with us, she lived with my parents-in-law, but she’d get upset with them over small things and refuse to talk to them because they “did something to make her mad.” Then she’d come to us asking if she could stay with us, and once she did, she got comfortable and decided she never wanted to go back. Now, she doesn't want to live anywhere else. She’s from a huge family (9 kids) and is the youngest, so she’s always had someone doing things for her. Even when she went to college, there was always someone there taking care of things for her, so she doesn’t even try.

She’s not social and doesn’t care for being around people or doing the usual social things. She’s perfectly fine staying at home forever if she could, but doesn’t like when we take trips without her because she doesn’t like being alone multiple nights. She doesn’t have any real friends—she had some acquaintances in college and prior, but those were more connected to her best friend that she’s had since she was 8, they talk every couple months. She does have a boyfriend she’s been dating for six months, but beyond that, she doesn’t engage socially or independently.

Despite not helping around the house, she’s actually good with self-care. She doesn’t care about cosmetics or trends, but she loves skincare and spends a lot of time focusing on that. So, while she’s content with her own routine, there’s no sense of independence or growth, and it feels like we’re stuck in this loop.
I’m a little frustrated because I know she’s a sweet girl, and I know she’s capable. She could absolutely live a full, independent life if she wanted to. But I can’t keep doing everything for her, and I’m not sure how to break this cycle. I’ve tried to encourage her to be more independent, but every time I bring it up, she sulks. Is it even worth trying to change her? No incentives seem to work, so I don’t know whether to just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Send her back to her parents. Loop in your DH and your ILs first. Put your foot down because she will become your problem for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

My kids were more independent in elementary school.

Stop enabling her.

[Anonymous]

She has to move out ASAP. The older she gets the less likely she will leave and the more useless she will become.

Why doesn’t she work? Who gives her spending money? Who pays for her phone?

Does she have some kind of mental slowness or something? There are plenty of people from big families who can still wipe their own @ss.

She needs to move out, and until that happens you need to start telling her, “Larla, you’re 26 years old. I think you can figure this out.”
Start setting firm boundaries and say no. Do t drive her 10 minutes away, don’t give in and help her pick out her outfits or la k her bags for her. She will try to wear you down, so be firm. Tell her you already have kids and don’t need another grown kid.

[Anonymous]

How did she find a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

My autistic, severely ADHD, learning disabled and low processing 20 year old son is able to live independently.

So... even though your SIL appears to have the same sort of mental health challenges and learning disorders (and she should really be evaluated for those!!!), it doesn't mean she cannot live on her own. However, it took many years of ramping up independence for my son to be able to live in a shared apartment situation on his college campus. It did not happen overnight, and I had to hold his hand and spoonfeed him all the instructions on how to do EVERYTHING. This went on for YEARS. It was a TON OF WORK. For me.

She's not going to learn this by herself, with her obvious autism and ADHD. Someone needs to help/force her into it.

[Anonymous]

Stop saying that she is capable. She is not. Meeting someone like her may be your first time, but won't be your last.
See if they can she her back to her family.

[Anonymous]

There's so much missing to this story. You speak as if 1) she's a perfectly intellectual and emotionally able adult, but she's also 2) a 26-year-old who won't walk a few blocks outside by herself and doesn't know how to get plates from the cabinet and put them on the table? Those are not consistent. I'm not saying it's wrong for your husband and you to push her, but it's unlikely that's all she needs.

[Anonymous]

So what's her diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

This is a whole lot of text for three relevant sentences:

"My sister-in-law (26) has been living with us for a few months now, and I’m honestly losing my patience...

Before moving in with us, she lived with my parents-in-law, but she’d get upset with them over small things and refuse to talk to them because they “did something to make her mad.” Then she’d come to us asking if she could stay with us, and once she did, she got comfortable and decided she never wanted to go back."

You should have never let her stay with you! Duh!! The answer should have been "no" - that's on YOU.

Stop nudging, judging, encouraging, incentives, discussions, STOP. All of it. Assuming your husband is on the same page (if not, that's a different kettle of fish), you two sit her down and your husband says:

"Larla, we love you, and we loving having you as our sister and friend. However, we're not willing to have you live here indefinitely. We want to give you time to figure out your next steps. It's currently March 6th. You need to move out by May 1st. If there are things you would like advice on, such as job searching or apartment searching, we are happy to help. But on May 1st, you need to be out."

I'm sure Miss Helpless will say something like "but there's no where for me to go?! What will I doooo?!?" and you calmly say, "I'm confident you will figure it out. Take a day or two to think about it, and if you have specific questions about job or apartment hunting, as I said, we're happy to help. But this is your responsibility."

Then you remind her weekly in a single sentence ("Just a reminder, Larla, that you need to be out by May 1st, that's in X weeks"), and you don't bring it up in any other way. No "how's the apartment search going?" or "have you found a job yet?" Not. Your. Problem.

Worst case, she ends up back at your in-laws and she's out of your hair. Best case, maybe she starts growing up a bit.

Also, if she did get a job, even if it was minimum wage, I would not only give her tips for apartment hunting, I'd also offer to pay the first months rent and security deposit on a new apartment, on the condition that she shows you a budget demonstrating she'll be able to afford it on her wages. Though I wouldn't bring that up until AFTER she got a job.

[Anonymous]

Strangely I have a 26yo cousin exactly like this. My 7yo is way more competent than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a whole lot of text for three relevant sentences:

"My sister-in-law (26) has been living with us for a few months now, and I’m honestly losing my patience...

Before moving in with us, she lived with my parents-in-law, but she’d get upset with them over small things and refuse to talk to them because they “did something to make her mad.” Then she’d come to us asking if she could stay with us, and once she did, she got comfortable and decided she never wanted to go back."

You should have never let her stay with you! Duh!! The answer should have been "no" - that's on YOU.

Stop nudging, judging, encouraging, incentives, discussions, STOP. All of it. Assuming your husband is on the same page (if not, that's a different kettle of fish), you two sit her down and your husband says:

"Larla, we love you, and we loving having you as our sister and friend. However, we're not willing to have you live here indefinitely. We want to give you time to figure out your next steps. It's currently March 6th. You need to move out by May 1st. If there are things you would like advice on, such as job searching or apartment searching, we are happy to help. But on May 1st, you need to be out."

I'm sure Miss Helpless will say something like "but there's no where for me to go?! What will I doooo?!?" and you calmly say, "I'm confident you will figure it out. Take a day or two to think about it, and if you have specific questions about job or apartment hunting, as I said, we're happy to help. But this is your responsibility."

Then you remind her weekly in a single sentence ("Just a reminder, Larla, that you need to be out by May 1st, that's in X weeks"), and you don't bring it up in any other way. No "how's the apartment search going?" or "have you found a job yet?" Not. Your. Problem.

Worst case, she ends up back at your in-laws and she's out of your hair. Best case, maybe she starts growing up a bit.

Also, if she did get a job, even if it was minimum wage, I would not only give her tips for apartment hunting, I'd also offer to pay the first months rent and security deposit on a new apartment, on the condition that she shows you a budget demonstrating she'll be able to afford it on her wages. Though I wouldn't bring that up until AFTER she got a job.

Oh, and PP to add - I'd have no problem telling her to get out on May 1st and if that doesn't work or she starts saying things about "squatters rights" I'd immediately (on 5/1) file for eviction. That process can take a while, but I'd do it. For my sanity AND for hers (none of this enabling is good for her).

[Anonymous]

What does your husband want to do?

You need to get him onboard and send her home to her parents. Consider this a cautionary tale for how you raise your own children.

Otherwise, if your husband wants a forever dependent, you need to get marriage counseling and figure out what your boundaries are. For me, I would rather divorce than take on an adult toddler.

[Anonymous]

If making her move out isn’t opinion you need to force her to do the work. Don’t drive her anywhere, don’t do any chores for her.

[Anonymous]

Look, maybe no one taught her anything. You can teach her how to set a table, or send her a YouTube video about how to do so, but if she really doesn't know how to do something yet, it's silly to complain about it.

You can also make it clear that if she's living with you, she needs to learn how to do things that are shared responsibilities (like setting the table). If she's not willing to learn, then you can complain (and move her out).