Husband pressuring me for a third child

[Anonymous]

If you don't have time for therapy, your family doesn't need another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have time for therapy, your family doesn't need another child.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Have you told him exactly what you told us? Print out your post and give it to him.

Obviously, you need to keep saying no. His selfishness is ridiculous. If he wanted three kids, he should have been a more involved father and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him exactly what you told us? Print out your post and give it to him.

Obviously, you need to keep saying no. His selfishness is ridiculous. If he wanted three kids, he should have been a more involved father and husband.

Oh and if you get pregnant, DON'T tell him. If you don't want the baby, get an abortion and don't tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your birth control is solid.

Then say you’re willing to try once things calm down but now you’re overwhelmed.

Do you work? It sounds like you’re a SAHM and his life didn’t really change after kids because you absorbed all the physical and emotional labor.

Why would she say that?

Because this woman is overwhelmed, she has no time to take care of her health and her mental health is suffering. She is in a very vulnerable position right now.

Meanwhile her husband is at peak fitness. He has time to focus on work, physical fitness and prioritize his mental health.

It’s simply not a fair fight. Asking her to be honest with her husband and handle the fallout of the fight is like asking a drowning person to race Michael Phelps. If she wins she gets bodily autonomy. It’s a ridiculous ask. She’s drowning and he wants to push her head underwater some more.

She needs to prioritize herself. Telling him that she needs to wait at least until 18 months to give her body time to recover is simply a strategy to buy time. Then she can say she needs to get a physical and make sure her body can carry a pregnancy. This also gives her the opportunity to handle things like iron deficiency, thyroid problems or whatever else she needs all with his support.

Once she’s at least minimally healthy, she can consider telling him how she feels, but for now, she needs to prioritize survival. And the longer she waits the less likely she is to get pregnant even if he does succeed in pressuring her.

Honestly, she is in no position to get divorced and become a single mom. Her DH isn't abusive but sounds selfish so therapy can help them with every aspect of their relationship including this pressing issue of having another baby. Three kid is a good size of family IF husband is supportive and helpful and his job isn't too demanding.

[Anonymous]

Maybe say ok and then don't stop BC? He sounds like a major jerk. I would also insist on a nanny, even if you are SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to offer a different perspective. I am a female, but I do think that men should have equal say and whether or not more children are brought into the family. I do realize that it’s mentally taxing and physically taxing on women. My pregnancies were absolutely horrible, I was hospitalized. I had diabetes. I was on bedrest I had preeclampsia, etc., and even some postpartum anxiety after my first. That being said, I will never regret my choice to have three children. I didn’t find three to be harder than two, and in some ways it was easier. Going into my second and third pregnancies after having postpartum depression, made me expect it, but also take steps to contain it. Things were much better when I was aware that it could potentially come.
I don’t think you should definitely have another baby if you don’t want one, but I do think that he should have a say too.
Unless you work. If you work and are doing all the childcare, then I would reconsider anything I just said.

Kids should be an enthusiastic two yes situation. His equal say is equal in that both should have absolute veto power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your birth control is solid.

Then say you’re willing to try once things calm down but now you’re overwhelmed.

Do you work? It sounds like you’re a SAHM and his life didn’t really change after kids because you absorbed all the physical and emotional labor.

Why would she say that?

Because this woman is overwhelmed, she has no time to take care of her health and her mental health is suffering. She is in a very vulnerable position right now.

Meanwhile her husband is at peak fitness. He has time to focus on work, physical fitness and prioritize his mental health.

It’s simply not a fair fight. Asking her to be honest with her husband and handle the fallout of the fight is like asking a drowning person to race Michael Phelps. If she wins she gets bodily autonomy. It’s a ridiculous ask. She’s drowning and he wants to push her head underwater some more.

She needs to prioritize herself. Telling him that she needs to wait at least until 18 months to give her body time to recover is simply a strategy to buy time. Then she can say she needs to get a physical and make sure her body can carry a pregnancy. This also gives her the opportunity to handle things like iron deficiency, thyroid problems or whatever else she needs all with his support.

Once she’s at least minimally healthy, she can consider telling him how she feels, but for now, she needs to prioritize survival. And the longer she waits the less likely she is to get pregnant even if he does succeed in pressuring her.

Honestly, she is in no position to get divorced and become a single mom. Her DH isn't abusive but sounds selfish so therapy can help them with every aspect of their relationship including this pressing issue of having another baby. Three kid is a good size of family IF husband is supportive and helpful and his job isn't too demanding.

Exactly.

That’s why I suggested agreeing to consider a third child “later.” Even saying things like she wants to consider it when her body is healthy can help appease him because it sounds like she’s on board enough, while not being an outright lie.

I think couples therapy sounds too risky right now.

It would require her to disclose that she doesn’t actually want the third child and makes her more vulnerable than she already is. This man has chosen not to do any of the work of parenting and ignores his wife’s medical needs. Couples counseling can be really dangerous for women married to men like this because it encourages meeting in the middle. When he’s coming from a place of hyperfocusing on his wants and insisting her needs do not exist, the end result of couple’s therapy can look a lot like enabling abuse.

[Anonymous]

DONT DO IT!!!

[Anonymous]

Don't close the door yet as currently you are physically and mentally overwhelmed so not a good time to have this debate and further ruin a stressed relationship. You two can rethink about it once little one is four and gone to KG. At that time, you can decide if you want to have another kid and settle as a SAHM or go back to work or school.

[Anonymous]

This man is probably trying to make partner in his law firm hence the long hours, fitness and socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't close the door yet as currently you are physically and mentally overwhelmed so not a good time to have this debate and further ruin a stressed relationship. You two can rethink about it once little one is four and gone to KG. At that time, you can decide if you want to have another kid and settle as a SAHM or go back to work or school.

WTF is this? What is there to rethink? SHE DOESN'T WANT another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is probably trying to make partner in his law firm hence the long hours, fitness and socialization.

All the more reason to not have a child he can't properly care for.

[Anonymous]

Whoever does not want a child has the final say.

That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you suffered from Postpartum Depression after your last child was born then most doctors wouldn’t recommend having another child biologically. 😔

I do not think the OP should have a third child, as she does not want one.

However, this is categorically false.

I had PPD after my second child. It was incredibly difficult, and it took about 16 months for me to recover. But I'd always wanted a bigger family, and once I'd recovered not a single medical professional (my OB, my therapist who specialized in postpartum issues, my psychiatrist, my GP) told me this. In fact, I had conversations with each of them about the risks of having a third child, and all of them focused on how to prevent PPD, how to prepare in case in happened again, and how to treat it proactively should symptoms occur. No one said they'd recommend I not have another baby. None even cautioned against it, and all worked with me to prepare.

I did go on to have a third child and did not have PPD with that pregnancy.