Reply to Husband pressuring me for a third child

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Make sure your birth control is solid.

[b]Then say you’re willing to try once things calm down[/b] but now you’re overwhelmed.

Do you work? It sounds like you’re a SAHM and his life didn’t really change after kids because you absorbed all the physical and emotional labor. 
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Why would she say that?[/quote]

Because this woman is overwhelmed, she has no time to take care of her health and her mental health is suffering. She is in a very vulnerable position right now.

Meanwhile her husband is at peak fitness. He has time to focus on work, physical fitness and prioritize his mental health.

It’s simply not a fair fight. Asking her to be honest with her husband and handle the fallout of the fight is like asking a drowning person to race Michael Phelps. If she wins she gets bodily autonomy. It’s a ridiculous ask. She’s drowning and he wants to push her head underwater some more.

She needs to prioritize herself. Telling him that she needs to wait at least until 18 months to give her body time to recover is simply a strategy to buy time. Then she can say she needs to get a physical and make sure her body can carry a pregnancy. This also gives her the opportunity to handle things like iron deficiency, thyroid problems or whatever else she needs all with his support.

Once she’s at least minimally healthy, she can consider telling him how she feels, but for now, she needs to prioritize survival. And the longer she waits the less likely she is to get pregnant even if he does succeed in pressuring her.

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[b]Honestly, she is in no position to get divorced and become a single mom.[/b] Her DH isn't abusive but sounds selfish so therapy can help them with every aspect of their relationship including this pressing issue of having another baby. Three kid is a good size of family IF husband is supportive and helpful and his job isn't too demanding. [/quote]

Exactly.

That’s why I suggested agreeing to consider a third child “later.” Even saying things like she wants to consider it when her body is healthy can help appease him because it sounds like she’s on board enough, while not being an outright lie.

I think couples therapy sounds too risky right now.

It would require her to disclose that she doesn’t actually want the third child and makes her more vulnerable than she already is. This man has chosen not to do any of the work of parenting and ignores his wife’s medical needs. Couples counseling can be really dangerous for women married to men like this because it encourages meeting in the middle. When he’s coming from a place of hyperfocusing on his wants and insisting her needs do not exist, the end result of couple’s therapy can look a lot like enabling abuse. [/quote]

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