Husband pressuring me for a third child

[Anonymous]

Op, what happened in your life that caused you to have such low self esteem and regard for yourself. Your husband is a complete jerk and the fact that you are even considering this means that he has manipulated you into letting him have full control. You NEED to make time for therapy. Hire babysitters. Put them in PT daycare. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve a happy and healthy mom and you've got no chance of that if you continue on like you're doing.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered surrogacy ?

Theses are men like that with “breeder” mentality. They’ll drop a woman over not wanting more kids and quickly move on procreating with next “good” woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your birth control is solid.

Then say you’re willing to try once things calm down but now you’re overwhelmed.

Do you work? It sounds like you’re a SAHM and his life didn’t really change after kids because you absorbed all the physical and emotional labor.

Why would she say that?

Because time will take care of this. In two years she will be too old to get pregnant easily so a delay gets her the outcome she wants without a fight.

It’s passive aggressive and a poor communication strategy, but if she fears her husbands reaction to her “no way,” it might be effective here.

[Anonymous]

Stay on good birth control IUD or pills. Tell him you need him to meet OBGYN and attend counseling with him to understand physical, mental, financial and logistical challenges of having another child. I bet he won't make time for that so problem would solve itself.

That being said, if you do decide to have another child, ask him to arrange a full time nanny and weekly housecleaner for first five years of baby's life. Taking care of three little kids and managing a household isn't a one person job.

[Anonymous]

No one needs to have another baby before other children are in a full time school, more so if mother has to take care of the house chores or hold an outside job.

[Anonymous]

His mom stayed home with 4 kids right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His mom stayed home with 4 kids right?

His mom worked full time and he was an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His mom stayed home with 4 kids right?

His mom worked full time and he was an only child.

I am an only child with 3 kids so I know both lifestyles. He is definitely romanticizing the “big family” ideal because he didn’t have that growing up.

The reality of having more kids is wonderful, but also really hard and comes with a lot of sacrifice. Sounds like he just likes the idea of 3 kids, but mostly wants the pretty family of 5 photo holiday card lifestyle without the diaper changes, household drudgery, etc.

So tell him you need to go away for a one week retreat in order to open yourself up to another. Let him take care of both kids during that time and then see how he feels.

Of course there are exceptions, but a lot of men pushing for another kid are the ones who don’t actually do much with them. My DH is a super involved unicorn (handles doctor appointments, cooks most dinners, coaches youth sports, etc.) and I think he would cry if I got pregnant right now (as would I)! Involved dads know how much work it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His mom stayed home with 4 kids right?

His mom worked full time and he was an only child.

It’s it your job to fix his childhood by staying home and filling up your house now.

I had an only DC but also had a DH who had specific ideas about how our family should be without wanting to participate in the work to make it that way. It was hard to see when Dc was little but it evolved quickly from me making excuses to myself like “he likes things a specific way” and “he needs his space” and “he can be a better dad if he has time with his friends” to “maybe he’s controlling” and then “oh, this is abuse.”

It’s a fine line. Get a therapist. Watch out for your financial interests. Focus on savings that can be split and don’t let him convince you to put money in a bigger house or buying things you don’t need.

Whatever issues he has now will not improve when the kids are older and have a voice and agency, so be aware of that.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone with the kids for five days. He can take vacation days and handle it solo. He needs a reality check of your daily life.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to offer a different perspective. I am a female, but I do think that men should have equal say and whether or not more children are brought into the family. I do realize that it’s mentally taxing and physically taxing on women. My pregnancies were absolutely horrible, I was hospitalized. I had diabetes. I was on bedrest I had preeclampsia, etc., and even some postpartum anxiety after my first. That being said, I will never regret my choice to have three children. I didn’t find three to be harder than two, and in some ways it was easier. Going into my second and third pregnancies after having postpartum depression, made me expect it, but also take steps to contain it. Things were much better when I was aware that it could potentially come.
I don’t think you should definitely have another baby if you don’t want one, but I do think that he should have a say too.
Unless you work. If you work and are doing all the childcare, then I would reconsider anything I just said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your birth control is solid.

Then say you’re willing to try once things calm down but now you’re overwhelmed.

Do you work? It sounds like you’re a SAHM and his life didn’t really change after kids because you absorbed all the physical and emotional labor.

Why would she say that?

Because this woman is overwhelmed, she has no time to take care of her health and her mental health is suffering. She is in a very vulnerable position right now.

Meanwhile her husband is at peak fitness. He has time to focus on work, physical fitness and prioritize his mental health.

It’s simply not a fair fight. Asking her to be honest with her husband and handle the fallout of the fight is like asking a drowning person to race Michael Phelps. If she wins she gets bodily autonomy. It’s a ridiculous ask. She’s drowning and he wants to push her head underwater some more.

She needs to prioritize herself. Telling him that she needs to wait at least until 18 months to give her body time to recover is simply a strategy to buy time. Then she can say she needs to get a physical and make sure her body can carry a pregnancy. This also gives her the opportunity to handle things like iron deficiency, thyroid problems or whatever else she needs all with his support.

Once she’s at least minimally healthy, she can consider telling him how she feels, but for now, she needs to prioritize survival. And the longer she waits the less likely she is to get pregnant even if he does succeed in pressuring her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to offer a different perspective. I am a female, but I do think that men should have equal say and whether or not more children are brought into the family. I do realize that it’s mentally taxing and physically taxing on women. My pregnancies were absolutely horrible, I was hospitalized. I had diabetes. I was on bedrest I had preeclampsia, etc., and even some postpartum anxiety after my first. That being said, I will never regret my choice to have three children. I didn’t find three to be harder than two, and in some ways it was easier. Going into my second and third pregnancies after having postpartum depression, made me expect it, but also take steps to contain it. Things were much better when I was aware that it could potentially come.
I don’t think you should definitely have another baby if you don’t want one, but I do think that he should have a say too.
Unless you work. If you work and are doing all the childcare, then I would reconsider anything I just said.

Why should he have a say when he shows zero regard for OP or his existing children? People who are being fundamentally unreasonable deserve zero regard.

[Anonymous]

F no. And I’d proceed with caution. Make sure you know what’s up with the finances and don’t put yourself in a subjugated position. He sounds like a bad partner.

[Anonymous]

So, he does or doesn't have a boy?