Ex-husband dating again and bringing women around kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand how there can be so many shitty divorce attorneys running around and making a living. Every divorce agreement should include some language on guidelines that both parents agree to wrt exposing children to new partners. It is especially important for the divorcing couple to discuss this openly so that someone can explain to them that there is a real potential for children to be harmed by mishandling this. It's actually the fathers who need to be extra vigilant about ensuring that the exW does not allow men around children without a thorough vetting over several months because of the risk of sexual abuse. Statistically, it is much more likely that a strange man will abuse children than a woman would. I know so many people whose mother's boyfriends abused them or endangered them in other ways.

no, it doesn't. I don't want my ex-H to be telling me who I can date or not. This is ridiculous. Stop hiding behind the welfare of kids and still try to get even with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Move on w your life.
You’re now divorced. Nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you guys not discuss this? Our parenting agreement says we wont introduce kids to significant others until at least 6 months of dating exclusively and we each have the option to meet the others S/O before the kids do.

Im sorry that sounds really stressful

This would only work if your relations are good.

[Anonymous]

Most men are clueless about how their children will react to their parents' new partners and how this could screw them up emotionally for a long ass time. Maybe it's because they aren't generally as in-tune with their kids' emotional lives.

I was the PP who said divorce lawyers should review this stuff with clients. When I divorced, the mediators brought this up as part of the options for our parenting plan and I really appreciated it. Similarly, divorce lawyers should explain to both wives and husbands all the dangers entailed if either remarries without a prenup when it comes to their children's inheritance. Even if these provisions are just words on a paper that can't be enforced, at least both parties paused for a moment and contemplated why this matters and how they can best move forward with their lives while prioritizing their children's best interests.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Our divorce was finalized just a month ago and I heard from my boys that my ex-husband brought a woman in the house that seems to be his gf during his parenting time. There is nothing in our agreement that says anything about this, so do I just stay silent? I feel deeply hurt that he is rushing into new relationships and is introducing kids to strange women, that he may not even plan to be in a long term relationship with or marry.

Why do you assume he isn't already familiar with these women?

They’re strange to the children DUH

Everyone is a stranger until you are introduced.

A parent is capable of deciding whether or not another adult can be introduced to their child.

So what? And another parent is capable of finding it, in good faith, inappropriate for their children to have this sprung on them one month after the divorce. We have freedom of speech and belief in this country.

We have reason to question this. OP gives herself away with this admission

"I feel deeply hurt that he is rushing into new relationships"

That is not her business anymore. It's now a reason to suspect she isn't acting in good faith.

She’s human, but taking her feelings out of it, you can still have objectively good faith reasons for not bringing women whose level of commitment are unknown (really, the level of commitment of the exDH to them!) in and out of children’s lives.

Again, DH doesn’t have to agree, but it can be and often is imprudent in practice to involve young children in this stuff.

That's not how good faith works. You don't get to exclude behavior and statements that challenge the credibility of your intentions.

But yes I agree a concern for the parent's capability to introduce adults to children is valid. That said, I'm not advising OP with the automatic assumption that DH is not this capable person.

I beh to differ. There can be two discrete reasonings happening at the same time, unrelated to one another:
1. It hurts my feelings that he’s moving on so fast
and
2. It’s bad to bring casual dates around our kids
1 being true (if it were true) doesn’t somehow magically nullify 2. 2 can be true, independent of 1.

If OPs judgment is colored by her feelings, why would DH’s judgment be any less colored by his feelings and desire for random “new” lady of the month? They’re on equal footing. The children are whose well-being matters ultimately, above and beyond either of the adults’ feelings.

[Anonymous]

Like most divorced women, OP thought her husband was crying into his pillow every night.

Uh, no. Delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our divorce was finalized just a month ago and I heard from my boys that my ex-husband brought a woman in the house that seems to be his gf during his parenting time. There is nothing in our agreement that says anything about this, so do I just stay silent? I feel deeply hurt that he is rushing into new relationships and is introducing kids to strange women, that he may not even plan to be in a long term relationship with or marry.

You’re not married to him, you don’t pay his bills, you have no say…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are clueless about how their children will react to their parents' new partners and how this could screw them up emotionally for a long ass time. Maybe it's because they aren't generally as in-tune with their kids' emotional lives.

I was the PP who said divorce lawyers should review this stuff with clients. When I divorced, the mediators brought this up as part of the options for our parenting plan and I really appreciated it. Similarly, divorce lawyers should explain to both wives and husbands all the dangers entailed if either remarries without a prenup when it comes to their children's inheritance. Even if these provisions are just words on a paper that can't be enforced, at least both parties paused for a moment and contemplated why this matters and how they can best move forward with their lives while prioritizing their children's best interests.

Many women are too. My husband's ex went from him to her AP. But, since she was a woman, I'm assuming you think its ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on w your life.
You’re now divorced. Nothing you can do.

Honestly this. As long as these women aren't mistreating your kids let it go.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Our divorce was finalized just a month ago and I heard from my boys that my ex-husband brought a woman in the house that seems to be his gf during his parenting time. There is nothing in our agreement that says anything about this, so do I just stay silent? I feel deeply hurt that he is rushing into new relationships and is introducing kids to strange women, that he may not even plan to be in a long term relationship with or marry.

Why do you assume he isn't already familiar with these women?

They’re strange to the children DUH

Everyone is a stranger until you are introduced.

A parent is capable of deciding whether or not another adult can be introduced to their child.

So what? And another parent is capable of finding it, in good faith, inappropriate for their children to have this sprung on them one month after the divorce. We have freedom of speech and belief in this country.

We have reason to question this. OP gives herself away with this admission

"I feel deeply hurt that he is rushing into new relationships"

That is not her business anymore. It's now a reason to suspect she isn't acting in good faith.

She’s human, but taking her feelings out of it, you can still have objectively good faith reasons for not bringing women whose level of commitment are unknown (really, the level of commitment of the exDH to them!) in and out of children’s lives.

Again, DH doesn’t have to agree, but it can be and often is imprudent in practice to involve young children in this stuff.

That's not how good faith works. You don't get to exclude behavior and statements that challenge the credibility of your intentions.

But yes I agree a concern for the parent's capability to introduce adults to children is valid. That said, I'm not advising OP with the automatic assumption that DH is not this capable person.

I beh to differ. There can be two discrete reasonings happening at the same time, unrelated to one another:
1. It hurts my feelings that he’s moving on so fast
and
2. It’s bad to bring casual dates around our kids
1 being true (if it were true) doesn’t somehow magically nullify 2. 2 can be true, independent of 1.

If OPs judgment is colored by her feelings, why would DH’s judgment be any less colored by his feelings and desire for random “new” lady of the month? They’re on equal footing. The children are whose well-being matters ultimately, above and beyond either of the adults’ feelings.

So we agree - we simply cannot (as you put it) “take his feelings out of it”

He gets the same scrutiny. The difference is, I don’t here have as much to scrutinize.

That said, If he was here representing, he could dismiss you with your “two discrete things happening” exception.


OP has clarified she isn’t concerned about his private life, so I can accept that and move on

[Anonymous]

Many pedos go after divorced women with children. I’d be careful as hell. It’s always he step-dad or mom’s boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like most divorced women, OP thought her husband was crying into his pillow every night.

Uh, no. Delusional.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our divorce was finalized just a month ago and I heard from my boys that my ex-husband brought a woman in the house that seems to be his gf during his parenting time. There is nothing in our agreement that says anything about this, so do I just stay silent? I feel deeply hurt that he is rushing into new relationships and is introducing kids to strange women, that he may not even plan to be in a long term relationship with or marry.

Good for him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand how there can be so many shitty divorce attorneys running around and making a living. Every divorce agreement should include some language on guidelines that both parents agree to wrt exposing children to new partners. It is especially important for the divorcing couple to discuss this openly so that someone can explain to them that there is a real potential for children to be harmed by mishandling this. It's actually the fathers who need to be extra vigilant about ensuring that the exW does not allow men around children without a thorough vetting over several months because of the risk of sexual abuse. Statistically, it is much more likely that a strange man will abuse children than a woman would. I know so many people whose mother's boyfriends abused them or endangered them in other ways.

Those clauses are not enforceable. This has nothing to do with attorneys. Either a appearance agree on this or they don’t( legally it’s irrelevant. There is no need to put this in a divorce agreement because it’s not enforceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand how there can be so many shitty divorce attorneys running around and making a living. Every divorce agreement should include some language on guidelines that both parents agree to wrt exposing children to new partners. It is especially important for the divorcing couple to discuss this openly so that someone can explain to them that there is a real potential for children to be harmed by mishandling this. It's actually the fathers who need to be extra vigilant about ensuring that the exW does not allow men around children without a thorough vetting over several months because of the risk of sexual abuse. Statistically, it is much more likely that a strange man will abuse children than a woman would. I know so many people whose mother's boyfriends abused them or endangered them in other ways.

no, it doesn't. I don't want my ex-H to be telling me who I can date or not. This is ridiculous. Stop hiding behind the welfare of kids and still try to get even with your ex.

Yeah, from what I’ve seen, divorce is never about the welfare of the kids, until it’s time to manipulate the ex.