What is this behavior pattern?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird that you are posting this here seemingly as validation that you are right.

This doesn’t sound like a man “lying,” it sounds like someone trying not to get dunked on by his own family. He burned dinner. That’s not a character flaw. When the response is a group stare-down and commentary from everyone at the table, people get defensive and dig in. The real issue isn’t the breadcrumbs, it’s a family dynamic where one mistake turns into a referendum on competence, and then a wife who races to DCUM.

This. Feeling sad for your children, yourself, and the future—over a burned dinner topping—is humorously overdramatic, OP.

If you’re a good cook, offer advice at a calmer moment. Otherwise scrape off the breadcrumbs (which can be fickle) and offer a little grace.

(It sounds like the instructions called for cooking the chicken and breadcrumbs together, which was too high/long for the breadcrumbs. Probably better to toast separately.)

I think OP was sad about living with someone who lies after they make a mistake. Not about the meal.

There are people who like doing things they aren't good at or who have few skills and you just have to put up with their ineptitude. Most men don't cook. OP probably needs to learn how to cook herself.

[Anonymous]

OP men arent going to call out his bad cooking. He doesnt throw parties for other men or women where he's judged on the food he makes. Its difficult for men to care too much about bad cooking because most of them don't have other people judging them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP men arent going to call out his bad cooking. He doesnt throw parties for other men or women where he's judged on the food he makes. Its difficult for men to care too much about bad cooking because most of them don't have other people judging them.

It's not about the cooking. The fact that she talked about everyone avoiding his tantrum means that this is a pattern of behavior for all things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my family situation. It's dismissive avoidant attachment type. My kids are both very good at accepting responsibility, repairing, and moving on. My biggest issue is after a huge tantrum, there is no repair. He just act like everything is normal. I have been sending my husband videos and specifically pointing out the behavior. If he doesn't change, we will divorce once the kids go to college.

This. Same. Working in it with the kids. He has damaged the relationship with them too.

[Anonymous]

Like flat out blamed them for things HE did wrong or forgot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lying, excuses, inability to apologize, gets angry when asked what happened, changes the subject, starts personally attacking others who ask, raises his voice to avoid answering anything, etc.

This is huge, negative issue in a person.

[Anonymous]

So he gaslights (in the truest sense of the word) and you all walk on eggshells? I feel bad for your kids.

Is this how he gets sex too?

Unattractive and undesirable bully. And you, OP, are training your kids to be doormats. Just awful.

[Anonymous]

Ha! You should have my MIL. I hosted Thanksgiving years ago and was so focused on everything else that I ended up burning the turkey. I was on the verge of tears and DH did his best to carve the charred parts off, but the taste was unmistakeable, and MIL was relentless. DH denied that it was burned and even had seconds (!) but each denial prompted MIL to dig in further. It was awful, because it was one of my first times hosting and I was just devastated.

We’ve rotated hosting over the years, but MIL brings it up almost every year. “Don’t let Larla near the turkey” or “See Larlo? That’s what burned turkey tastes like.”

So OP, maybe he burned dinner, and maybe he’s embarrassed by it. And maybe you can have some grace.

[Anonymous]

He made dinner, he made a mistake, and all anybody could do was point out the one mistake he made.

He made a big deal about the one mistake he made instead of just scraping it off and saying hey thanks for making dinner. I’m gonna scrape the top off because it’s a little burnt.

I’ve made dinner over 4000 and I still might burn something. Sometimes they make the rice and it’s a little undercooked or sometimes it’s a little overcooked.

That’s life just freaking eat. What’s good and don’t eat. What’s not good.

What I don’t understand is why you have to make a big deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He made dinner, he made a mistake, and all anybody could do was point out the one mistake he made.

He made a big deal about the one mistake he made instead of just scraping it off and saying hey thanks for making dinner. I’m gonna scrape the top off because it’s a little burnt.

I’ve made dinner over 4000 and I still might burn something. Sometimes they make the rice and it’s a little undercooked or sometimes it’s a little overcooked.

That’s life just freaking eat. What’s good and don’t eat. What’s not good.

What I don’t understand is why you have to make a big deal about it.

Yes, exactly (and +1 to PP above as well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lying, excuses, inability to apologize, gets angry when asked what happened, changes the subject, starts personally attacking others who ask, raises his voice to avoid answering anything, etc.

Sooooo what are you going to do?

Is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crap like this is why Im over men

Woman here. I equally suspect men would say the same about women, vice versa.

Ooh, we’ve got ourselves a Cool Girl here, folks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lying, excuses, inability to apologize, gets angry when asked what happened, changes the subject, starts personally attacking others who ask, raises his voice to avoid answering anything, etc.

Sooooo what are you going to do?

Is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with ?

If the burned food were made by OP, and her DH treated her the way she just treated him, DCUM would likely still recommend she divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird that you are posting this here seemingly as validation that you are right.

This doesn’t sound like a man “lying,” it sounds like someone trying not to get dunked on by his own family. He burned dinner. That’s not a character flaw. When the response is a group stare-down and commentary from everyone at the table, people get defensive and dig in. The real issue isn’t the breadcrumbs, it’s a family dynamic where one mistake turns into a referendum on competence, and then a wife who races to DCUM.

Welll … there is a tiny bit of truth to that in that there is likely a deeply grooved pattern of these interactions. But the issue is that sometimes these guys literally do fail, over and over. While burning dinner once is not a character flaw, burning it every time is a problem that has to be addressed. When someone consistently fails at adulting it is very hard to avoid the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird that you are posting this here seemingly as validation that you are right.

This doesn’t sound like a man “lying,” it sounds like someone trying not to get dunked on by his own family. He burned dinner. That’s not a character flaw. When the response is a group stare-down and commentary from everyone at the table, people get defensive and dig in. The real issue isn’t the breadcrumbs, it’s a family dynamic where one mistake turns into a referendum on competence, and then a wife who races to DCUM.

This part is fine, if somewhat annoying: "He says it’s fine. He set a timer and didn’t check. He followed the instructions."

This part is lying: "And that it’s not burned."

It's one thing to explain that you'd followed the instructions and set a timer, and it's still edible. To actually deny it's burned when everyone sees it's burned and is scraping off burned parts is weird and unsettling.

Because you are taking it too literally. he is not lying when he says “it’s not burned.” he is saying “I did my best and don’t want to get criticized. It’s still edible.”

OP needs to figure out how to solve the actual problem instead of getting hung up on how he responds verbally.