Preparing two options for husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

Omg troll.
Too long. Same dumb style. Over and over.
Stop.

[Anonymous]

Staying in this toxic environment is definitely not a viable option at this point.
You ➕ your children need to live apart from your husband because who knows how his temper may manifest itself.

Have you considered obtaining a protective order?
If you get one approved then your husband will likely need to leave the marital home immediately which will make your home life peaceful.

Good luck 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% is the norm unless there is actual documented abuse.

So yes, I think your idea of proposing a split out of the gate that gives him a lot of time but you more time is a very smart thing to try. Most men don’t want 50% but also want to save face.

And it is also important that you be extremely objective about your kids relationship with him. No matter how much you hate him and how badly he behaves to you, he may still be a good dad. You daughters’ statements to you may be more complex than they sound.

The issue with a more unconventional time sharing split where he has daytime hours with them but return to you at night is that you have to cooperate and see each other a lot. Which means that you need be very, very very calm. Can you handle that?

I was not willing to give my ex 50-50 so I offered him an unconventional time split sort of along the lines you are thinking of. Busy body divorce “professionals” tried to discourage it as being too difficult. But it worked out perfectly. I had to bite my tongue a lot at first because I had to see him all the time … but everything stabilized into a nice routine. It ended up working for everyone.

A man who rages in front of or at his children is not a good dad. Full stop.

You are wrong. Many men can treat wives poorly and children well. My ex h is like that. So is his dad.

There are always exceptions to the rule but generally men who treat their spouses poorly will also do so to their kids.
Plus OP gave an already perfect example of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

You can ask for it but he probably won’t agree, nor should he. For one thing he won’t want to pay child support based on you having 100% physical custody.

Stop putting this idea in your kids’ heads that they don’t want to be around their father. That’s a bad road to go down in a divorce situation.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

You can ask for it but he probably won’t agree, nor should he. For one thing he won’t want to pay child support based on you having 100% physical custody.

Stop putting this idea in your kids’ heads that they don’t want to be around their father. That’s a bad road to go down in a divorce situation.

No, that’s how she wins and alienates the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

I know several instances where the parents have 50/50 on paper, and the parent who was always checked out (for whatever reason) fought like heck for it. However, in practice, the other parents ends up with the bulk of the time. They need to “save face” to themselves.

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? And why are you talking to them about who they want to live with if you divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% is the norm unless there is actual documented abuse.

So yes, I think your idea of proposing a split out of the gate that gives him a lot of time but you more time is a very smart thing to try. Most men don’t want 50% but also want to save face.

And it is also important that you be extremely objective about your kids relationship with him. No matter how much you hate him and how badly he behaves to you, he may still be a good dad. You daughters’ statements to you may be more complex than they sound.

The issue with a more unconventional time sharing split where he has daytime hours with them but return to you at night is that you have to cooperate and see each other a lot. Which means that you need be very, very very calm. Can you handle that?

I was not willing to give my ex 50-50 so I offered him an unconventional time split sort of along the lines you are thinking of. Busy body divorce “professionals” tried to discourage it as being too difficult. But it worked out perfectly. I had to bite my tongue a lot at first because I had to see him all the time … but everything stabilized into a nice routine. It ended up working for everyone.

A man who rages in front of or at his children is not a good dad. Full stop.

You are wrong. Many men can treat wives poorly and children well. My ex h is like that. So is his dad.

There are always exceptions to the rule but generally men who treat their spouses poorly will also do so to their kids.
Plus OP gave an already perfect example of this.

Do women who treat their men poorly also treat their kids poorly?

[Anonymous]

He will never accept your first option.

You would basically have complete authority and could prevent him from seeing the kids whenever you want.
There’s nothing he could do in that situation. It would be foolish of him to agree to a deal that has no legal standing.

It’s amusing that you mention you would allow him to date other women post-divorce, as if he belongs to you. This shows that you are going to use access to the kids to force him to do what you want.

[Anonymous]

It’s not setting a good example to your kids on what a healthy relationship is for them, and they definitely should be seeing therapists to be able to express their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the process of divorcing a mentally ill DH who discontinued his medication and checked out of our lives.

Please don’t assume he’s going to say “sure, your idea sounds great.” When I asked mine to return to medical treatment, he freaked out and secretly filed for divorce and I didn’t find out until I was served. He filed for more than 50/50 and became incredibly hostile. It is a truly terrifying process. Beforehand, I could have imagined that maybe we could live parallel lives and he could just do his thing in a separate household. That was naive.

You need to talk to a few attorneys. I mean it. You’re in a volatile situation that could blow up at any moment and you need to get information about your situation and your jurisdiction to protect you and your kids. Gather all of your logins, financial documentation, and emails/texts with him as well. Switch all of your communication to writing when possible. Change your passwords and switch to two-factor authentication. If you have access to any medical records or doctor names or records of his appointments, make copies and put them somewhere safe right this second.

And I’m sorry to even scare you with this, but you need to check recording laws in your state. If it is a two-party consent state, assume that you are being recording and being intentionally baited when you talk to him. Ask me how I know.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

I know several instances where the parents have 50/50 on paper, and the parent who was always checked out (for whatever reason) fought like heck for it. However, in practice, the other parents ends up with the bulk of the time. They need to “save face” to themselves.

How old are your children?

“Save face to themselves”!?!

How pathetic.
Self denial and lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

😩 the kids are less than 3 years old if we believe her original story

She says they don’t want to move with him. Interesting how she knows that

[Anonymous]

OP here - I skipped a LOT of details. Kids are 10 and 13. The oldest has told me, "I don't want to live with him anymore, Mommy." after he went off on her about something, and got in her face and screamed at her. She is in therapy and I am working on getting the younger on in therapy. Therapist is well aware and has been very supportive as best she can be.

again, I have not left sooner because I have met with lawyers, (free consults AND PAID), and where I live, he will most certainly get 50% and of course will be enraged, once I file. Not because he cares for me, but because he is all about money and will not want to pay a dime to me.

But I see the same answers as before, no way out until kids leave the home. This is a horrible way to live for all three of us.