Preparing two options for husband

[Anonymous]

Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

Forgot the second option!

He clean up is act by getting on stronger medication and make it clear if it doesn’t stop, THEN we are 100% gone (but of course I fear him getting 50% custody).

[Anonymous]

Divorce.
What you’re suggesting sounds 50/50 anyways

Maybe request family therapy and or anger management again as part of the divorce.

Regardless of his anger issues and infidelity- the kids are still his as well.

[Anonymous]

Document the rage and get out. Talk to lawyer before you do anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. That's awful. Sounds like maybe a mood disorder (bipolar disorder)? If so, just know that it is a life long effort to manage. He will have periods (like the year and a half) where symptoms are manageable and he will have periods where things get out of control again. Medication needs to be titrated many times through the course of treatment for various reasons. He also may need ongoing therapy to gain insight/awareness into when his symptoms are impacting his day-to-day.

The bigger question here is whether you are willing/able to be along for that ride. If not, that's okay but be clear and firm. You have kids with him, so you will have to be supportive in some ways to ensure their safety and happiness.

If you want to try to make marriage work, commit to better educating yourself about his condition, getting yourself therapy as well and setting strong boundaries around his behavior, especially with the kids.

It's a tough road either way OP and I wish you and your family all the best in navigating it. There are lots of people who live fulfilling lives with mood disorders (or similar diagnoses) but it's not a linear path and there are always ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

He will get 50%. He won’t agree to kids primarily living with you. Wait until the kids are older. That is what I did. I was not okay with kids living with him alone until age 8.

[Anonymous]

Other kid was older and could tell me what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since I got pregnant, a new side of him appeared. I’ve given him chance after chance, he has gone to anger management, his mother has tried to intervene, we have done a couple retreat, couples counseling etc.. and then insisted he speak with his doctor or I would leave, as an ultimatum. He got on medication, I was assured by his doctor “You will have the husband you knew before back.” He was back for 1 1/2 years and in this time we had a second child. However, his angry outbursts and cruel behavior returned. His verbal abuse just won’t stop.

So now that I got that out of the way, here is what I would like to propose.

We get divorced, shared legal custody, kids live with me, we live close enough that he still sees them every day by taking them to school in the mornings. Weekends he sees them for whatever planned activity he wishes (dinner, movie, taking them to sorts games etc). Essentially the same routine we have now but he will have freedom from me and can freely pursue other women. He also had an emotional affair (he claims nothing physical) so I thought to use his blatant interest in other women to my advantage. Neither kid wants to live with him.

Is this even a realistic thing to propose? I am terrified he will fly into a rage and do everything to hurt me, including bringing our kids into it, fight and obtain 50% physical custody just to spite me.

His anger has started to scare me and my older child. Normal dinner conversation and then I’ll say something like, “oh, I don’t remember that” he switches into this underlying rage with words like “Oh you want to argue? Because I am READY to argue..” and he’ll do it all red faced with a snarl.

I have not divorced so far because lawyer has told me if he fights it, he will most likely get 50% physical custody and then my kids have to live with him for half the time. They flat out do not want to. They have see how he rages and tip toe around him with me to avoid his anger.

It seems like no one understands my fear of them living with him alone.

Forgot the second option!

He clean up is act by getting on stronger medication and make it clear if it doesn’t stop, THEN we are 100% gone (but of course I fear him getting 50% custody).

Didn't you try the ultimatum route already??
Also, was this planned pregnancy? Seems odd to add more kids to your already unstable marriage and family.

[Anonymous]

can you call police to document this? anything to not have an arrangement where he's alone with the kids.

[Anonymous]

You both make terrible decisions. See an attorney and divorce. 50/50 custody is normal.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the process of divorcing a mentally ill DH who discontinued his medication and checked out of our lives.

Please don’t assume he’s going to say “sure, your idea sounds great.” When I asked mine to return to medical treatment, he freaked out and secretly filed for divorce and I didn’t find out until I was served. He filed for more than 50/50 and became incredibly hostile. It is a truly terrifying process. Beforehand, I could have imagined that maybe we could live parallel lives and he could just do his thing in a separate household. That was naive.

You need to talk to a few attorneys. I mean it. You’re in a volatile situation that could blow up at any moment and you need to get information about your situation and your jurisdiction to protect you and your kids. Gather all of your logins, financial documentation, and emails/texts with him as well. Switch all of your communication to writing when possible. Change your passwords and switch to two-factor authentication. If you have access to any medical records or doctor names or records of his appointments, make copies and put them somewhere safe right this second.

And I’m sorry to even scare you with this, but you need to check recording laws in your state. If it is a two-party consent state, assume that you are being recording and being intentionally baited when you talk to him. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

50% is the norm nowadays

The era of you having him custody and you allowing him to drive them to school each day is long gone.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's mentally ill and he's going to be awful no matter what you offer him. You can't purchase good behavior with a favorable custody agreement. That's not how this works.

And I would really think VERY hard before offering him so much flexibility. You'd be his on-call babysitter every weekend with no control over the schedule.

[Anonymous]

50% is the norm unless there is actual documented abuse.

So yes, I think your idea of proposing a split out of the gate that gives him a lot of time but you more time is a very smart thing to try. Most men don’t want 50% but also want to save face.

And it is also important that you be extremely objective about your kids relationship with him. No matter how much you hate him and how badly he behaves to you, he may still be a good dad. You daughters’ statements to you may be more complex than they sound.

The issue with a more unconventional time sharing split where he has daytime hours with them but return to you at night is that you have to cooperate and see each other a lot. Which means that you need be very, very very calm. Can you handle that?

I was not willing to give my ex 50-50 so I offered him an unconventional time split sort of along the lines you are thinking of. Busy body divorce “professionals” tried to discourage it as being too difficult. But it worked out perfectly. I had to bite my tongue a lot at first because I had to see him all the time … but everything stabilized into a nice routine. It ended up working for everyone.