Preparing two options for husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got pregnant again??

You suck !

I explained that he got on medication to "fix" his problem. Before starting the treatment, we were told it's now or never if we want another kid because the treatment would not allow him to have kids after. Again, doctor assured me he would be back to "normal"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m really sorry to say that even in the case of documented abuse, if your DH denies it or brings in a custody evaluator, the abuse will likely be dismissed. I posted and about my mentally ill STBX and yes, there was abuse and the kids had very little relationship with him before he blew up. But he went nuclear and brought in a custody evaluator right after he filed. That is unusually aggressive but also very effective, especially when one party is paying for it. I couldn’t decline participation because the alternative was to go straight to a hearing for 50/50 custody and state minimum child support. It’s like having a gun to your head.

The custody evaluator spent very little time looking at documentation or doing meetings and observations and basically took the perspective that STBX deserved a fresh start and was being unfairly judged for having mental health struggles (ignoring that he discontinued treatment and that it was negatively impacting the children).

Mental illness and erratic behavior or even abuse are treated very differently by family court if it’s happening with the father vs the mother. A mother is judged on what’s she done so far, and a father is judged on his potential. It isn’t fair to the children but you need to know that going in so you can structure your life and your asks accordingly. You may end up with 50/50 and then have to do a lot of documentation after that in the hopes of getting modification. It requires the kids to suffer through instability and uncertainty and even future abuse, but family court doesn’t care.

This is exactly my fear and why I have stayed all these years. It's so exhausting. I so want an out and the only thing I see if waiting until they are both 18 and safely out of the home, which is essentially their entire childhood.

[Anonymous]

He may agree to you having full custody if you forego child support payments. But this is something I would negotiate through a lawyer, not offer from the get-go.
He will get mad at anything you offer and will likely fight dirty based on what you've written. Negotiate through a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may agree to you having full custody if you forego child support payments. But this is something I would negotiate through a lawyer, not offer from the get-go.
He will get mad at anything you offer and will likely fight dirty based on what you've written. Negotiate through a lawyer.

Most men will not agree to this because of the optics. My ex did not and two of my friends’ exes didn’t and we all asked for that. We all ended up with 50-50. We tried.