Preparing two options for husband

[Anonymous]

There is a good chance he will get fifty fifty. But maybe it will be better for your kids to at least have one peaceful home. Personally I could not tolerate what you describe.

My husband divorced a mentally ill woman (several stays in psych wards, bipolar). He told his lawyer he wanted full custody with mom getting some visitation. His lawyer told him it was a waste of time to try for that. Said, "Even crack moms get fifty fifty."

It depends in the jurisdiction, but in most area now it's hard to get more than fifty percent custody if the other parent doesn't agree to get less time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m really sorry to say that even in the case of documented abuse, if your DH denies it or brings in a custody evaluator, the abuse will likely be dismissed. I posted and about my mentally ill STBX and yes, there was abuse and the kids had very little relationship with him before he blew up. But he went nuclear and brought in a custody evaluator right after he filed. That is unusually aggressive but also very effective, especially when one party is paying for it. I couldn’t decline participation because the alternative was to go straight to a hearing for 50/50 custody and state minimum child support. It’s like having a gun to your head.

The custody evaluator spent very little time looking at documentation or doing meetings and observations and basically took the perspective that STBX deserved a fresh start and was being unfairly judged for having mental health struggles (ignoring that he discontinued treatment and that it was negatively impacting the children).

Mental illness and erratic behavior or even abuse are treated very differently by family court if it’s happening with the father vs the mother. A mother is judged on what’s she done so far, and a father is judged on his potential. It isn’t fair to the children but you need to know that going in so you can structure your life and your asks accordingly. You may end up with 50/50 and then have to do a lot of documentation after that in the hopes of getting modification. It requires the kids to suffer through instability and uncertainty and even future abuse, but family court doesn’t care.

[Anonymous]

PS get your kids therapists now if any of them are old enough to talk. Like Monday morning. They need a third party to process what they are experiencing and you need another set of eyes on things if this gets messier.

If they aren’t old enough to talk or if you only have babies, you need a therapist of your own, both to keep you healthy and to document your experience on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50% is the norm unless there is actual documented abuse.

So yes, I think your idea of proposing a split out of the gate that gives him a lot of time but you more time is a very smart thing to try. Most men don’t want 50% but also want to save face.

And it is also important that you be extremely objective about your kids relationship with him. No matter how much you hate him and how badly he behaves to you, he may still be a good dad. You daughters’ statements to you may be more complex than they sound.

The issue with a more unconventional time sharing split where he has daytime hours with them but return to you at night is that you have to cooperate and see each other a lot. Which means that you need be very, very very calm. Can you handle that?

I was not willing to give my ex 50-50 so I offered him an unconventional time split sort of along the lines you are thinking of. Busy body divorce “professionals” tried to discourage it as being too difficult. But it worked out perfectly. I had to bite my tongue a lot at first because I had to see him all the time … but everything stabilized into a nice routine. It ended up working for everyone.

A man who rages in front of or at his children is not a good dad. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% is the norm unless there is actual documented abuse.

So yes, I think your idea of proposing a split out of the gate that gives him a lot of time but you more time is a very smart thing to try. Most men don’t want 50% but also want to save face.

And it is also important that you be extremely objective about your kids relationship with him. No matter how much you hate him and how badly he behaves to you, he may still be a good dad. You daughters’ statements to you may be more complex than they sound.

The issue with a more unconventional time sharing split where he has daytime hours with them but return to you at night is that you have to cooperate and see each other a lot. Which means that you need be very, very very calm. Can you handle that?

I was not willing to give my ex 50-50 so I offered him an unconventional time split sort of along the lines you are thinking of. Busy body divorce “professionals” tried to discourage it as being too difficult. But it worked out perfectly. I had to bite my tongue a lot at first because I had to see him all the time … but everything stabilized into a nice routine. It ended up working for everyone.

A man who rages in front of or at his children is not a good dad. Full stop.

It’s impossible to tell from OP’s description. And imperfect parents are still parents. Sometimes people do improve when the stress of a bad marriage is removed.

The other option is for OP to spend all of her money in a destructive battle only to end up with the DH having significant custody anyway. I have seen it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m really sorry to say that even in the case of documented abuse, if your DH denies it or brings in a custody evaluator, the abuse will likely be dismissed. I posted and about my mentally ill STBX and yes, there was abuse and the kids had very little relationship with him before he blew up. But he went nuclear and brought in a custody evaluator right after he filed. That is unusually aggressive but also very effective, especially when one party is paying for it. I couldn’t decline participation because the alternative was to go straight to a hearing for 50/50 custody and state minimum child support. It’s like having a gun to your head.

The custody evaluator spent very little time looking at documentation or doing meetings and observations and basically took the perspective that STBX deserved a fresh start and was being unfairly judged for having mental health struggles (ignoring that he discontinued treatment and that it was negatively impacting the children).

Mental illness and erratic behavior or even abuse are treated very differently by family court if it’s happening with the father vs the mother. A mother is judged on what’s she done so far, and a father is judged on his potential. It isn’t fair to the children but you need to know that going in so you can structure your life and your asks accordingly. You may end up with 50/50 and then have to do a lot of documentation after that in the hopes of getting modification. It requires the kids to suffer through instability and uncertainty and even future abuse, but family court doesn’t care.

My mom allegedly stayed with my raging, mentally ill dad to avoid 50/50 custody (though she stayed after all the kids were out of the house too...). Guess what? We still suffered through instability, uncertainty, and future abuse.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? This sounds like a worse situation to grow up in then whatever may happen. If they're not toddlers and can alert someone of any bad behavior I would divorce.

[Anonymous]

Be prepared for him to want a lot more time with them than that, mostly for his ego but also for child support reasons.

My ex was worse, cheated with everything that moved, alcoholic, abusive. But he has them half the time. Kids are alright, it's been 5 years and he hasn't physically harmed them, and they don't fight me about going over there, they love him. However, I live literally 2 minutes away should any emergency occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared for him to want a lot more time with them than that, mostly for his ego but also for child support reasons.

My ex was worse, cheated with everything that moved, alcoholic, abusive. But he has them half the time. Kids are alright, it's been 5 years and he hasn't physically harmed them, and they don't fight me about going over there, they love him. However, I live literally 2 minutes away should any emergency occur.

This is why waiting until kids are old enough and offering a face-saving amount of custody and not tying to to child support is a strategy that OP should try. Maybe he would go for 1 night a week, walking kids to school daily, and ample vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Do you have family out of state that you could just take the kids to see on vacation ... and never come back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS get your kids therapists now if any of them are old enough to talk. Like Monday morning. They need a third party to process what they are experiencing and you need another set of eyes on things if this gets messier.

If they aren’t old enough to talk or if you only have babies, you need a therapist of your own, both to keep you healthy and to document your experience on your behalf.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% is the norm unless there is actual documented abuse.

So yes, I think your idea of proposing a split out of the gate that gives him a lot of time but you more time is a very smart thing to try. Most men don’t want 50% but also want to save face.

And it is also important that you be extremely objective about your kids relationship with him. No matter how much you hate him and how badly he behaves to you, he may still be a good dad. You daughters’ statements to you may be more complex than they sound.

The issue with a more unconventional time sharing split where he has daytime hours with them but return to you at night is that you have to cooperate and see each other a lot. Which means that you need be very, very very calm. Can you handle that?

I was not willing to give my ex 50-50 so I offered him an unconventional time split sort of along the lines you are thinking of. Busy body divorce “professionals” tried to discourage it as being too difficult. But it worked out perfectly. I had to bite my tongue a lot at first because I had to see him all the time … but everything stabilized into a nice routine. It ended up working for everyone.

A man who rages in front of or at his children is not a good dad. Full stop.

You are wrong. Many men can treat wives poorly and children well. My ex h is like that. So is his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family out of state that you could just take the kids to see on vacation ... and never come back?

She could lose custody doing that!

[Anonymous]

You got pregnant again??

You suck !

[Anonymous]

Shout out to all the husbands who clicked on this thread thinking it was going to be something different...