Question for anxious parents: what are you truly afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

I won’t be able to feel a smug sense of superiority when I put my kid’s school bumper sticker on the car.

Muffy will laugh at me behind my back to the other ladies when I miss book club. Maybe. Probably.

My kid’s poor mental health stemming from my failure to provide him with any sense of perspective won’t be able to be waved away as the price of being a high achiever.

He might decide to use the weed like a poor person instead of developing a cocaine addiction like all good investment bankers do.

He might have to actually have a conversation with aforementioned poor person. Or, worse, a kid that went to public high school.

He might meet his future wife whose only ambition is to become a nurse or a teacher or something gross that helps people like that.

The list goes on…

Feel better?

[Anonymous]

I hesitate to jump in but I definitely think the anxiety around this topic is class based and a bad sign for the country. Yes, there is a class system in this country and it is becoming more extreme as highly paid/highly educated people marry each other and live with their peers.
People who have class status worry about their kids losing it and those that don't are pushing for their kids to access it.
I dated a Boston Brahmin in my 20's and his family would literally describe people as NOK (not our kind) out loud as though that was acceptable. I guess now they apparently worry their own kids will be NOK . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

I can resonate.

People here may judge you. But I think this system (elite college) works far better than Caste system, where your class is determined by blood. No matter how much effort you make, one cannot change their class.

If we don't have the elite college system in the US, social mobility would have declined drastically. Rich remains rich, poor stays poor, forever.

AI is likely to disrupt—and potentially dismantle—that mobility ladder you described. We’re already seeing the effects ripple out, little by little, as unemployment rises.

I think AI will have profound impact on social classes and social mobility. I think we will soon see again, that reading a book becomes a privilege as the majority of people will not engage in that activity anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

I won’t be able to feel a smug sense of superiority when I put my kid’s school bumper sticker on the car.

Muffy will laugh at me behind my back to the other ladies when I miss book club. Maybe. Probably.

My kid’s poor mental health stemming from my failure to provide him with any sense of perspective won’t be able to be waved away as the price of being a high achiever.

He might decide to use the weed like a poor person instead of developing a cocaine addiction like all good investment bankers do.

He might have to actually have a conversation with aforementioned poor person. Or, worse, a kid that went to public high school.

He might meet his future wife whose only ambition is to become a nurse or a teacher or something gross that helps people like that.

The list goes on…

Feel better?

Really. Such bitterness. So sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, college can set off a chain reaction:

It helps you find the right peer group (similar to what elite private high schools offer).

It increases the chances of meeting the right partner—shared background and values can reduce friction and strengthen a marriage.

The right peer group can lead to better friendship, networking, career opportunities, or business prospects.

The right spouse can result in a more stable, long-lasting marriage and positive potential for children.

The right job, career, and marriage together often lead to better mental and physical health.

I’ll probably get a lot of judgment for saying this, but this is basically how societies have sustained for thousands of years if you look at both Western or East Asian civilizations.

My kids both met their partners at their non-elite public universities. They both have unconventional career goals (no engineers, investment bankers, doctor or lawyers). I guess they are contributing to the downfall of civilization. Sorry about that! I should have put them in Kumon in first grade or whatever.

Haha, I don’t think I mentioned elite versus non-elite. I was simply describing what the college experience can lead to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

I can resonate.

People here may judge you. But I think this system (elite college) works far better than Caste system, where your class is determined by blood. No matter how much effort you make, one cannot change their class.

If we don't have the elite college system in the US, social mobility would have declined drastically. Rich remains rich, poor stays poor, forever.

AI is likely to disrupt—and potentially dismantle—that mobility ladder you described. We’re already seeing the effects ripple out, little by little, as unemployment rises.

I think AI will have profound impact on social classes and social mobility. I think we will soon see again, that reading a book becomes a privilege as the majority of people will not engage in that activity anymore.

Yes.

More and more people are glued to social media, endlessly scrolling. That’s not how we grew up. I honestly don’t know how this affects our kids—even if they get good grades, does that really mean they’re learning and thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prestigious colleges generally graduate more successful people, and some industries are only accessible to people who attend a select few elite universities. Resources, opportunities, and faculty relationships can be cultivated more easily at some schools as well.

Which industries are ONLY accessible to a small number of colleges?

Investment banking, MBB consulting. Good luck breaking in if you're not at at LEAST a semi-target.

I am not kidding when I say I would be so disappointed if my kids went into either of these fields.

[Anonymous]

I also fear downward mobility. But I also realize logically that this is quite silly. The happiest people I know are plumbers and electricians. The happiest guy I went to high school with never went to college and now runs a series of cafés all over the West Coast. He is raking it in and I don't think the guy ever cracked a book. I also know plenty of kids who went to Ivy League schools who are in rehab or live miserable lives… These are people I went to high school with. I tried to remind myself of this when I get too stressed out about my own kids academic fate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

I won’t be able to feel a smug sense of superiority when I put my kid’s school bumper sticker on the car.

Muffy will laugh at me behind my back to the other ladies when I miss book club. Maybe. Probably.

My kid’s poor mental health stemming from my failure to provide him with any sense of perspective won’t be able to be waved away as the price of being a high achiever.

He might decide to use the weed like a poor person instead of developing a cocaine addiction like all good investment bankers do.

He might have to actually have a conversation with aforementioned poor person. Or, worse, a kid that went to public high school.

He might meet his future wife whose only ambition is to become a nurse or a teacher or something gross that helps people like that.

The list goes on…

Weird sarcasm rant. 🧌

[Anonymous]

Maybe another reason is that we’ve tied education too closely to money and outcomes, so it’s turned into more of a branding exercise. With technology, it’s not hard to see how some truly talented kids can skip college altogether and still become successful entrepreneurs. It feels like the old system is slowly falling apart.

Many of the things U.S. colleges offer are now accessible in other parts of the world too. Knowledge has been commoditized for a long time. Not to mention we don't really innovate anyway if our brightest mind just want to do the talking or PPT jobs like MBB or deal making....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prestigious colleges generally graduate more successful people, and some industries are only accessible to people who attend a select few elite universities. Resources, opportunities, and faculty relationships can be cultivated more easily at some schools as well.

Which industries are ONLY accessible to a small number of colleges?

Investment banking, MBB consulting. Good luck breaking in if you're not at at LEAST a semi-target.

Ok.

Beyond that, which most people are miserable actually doing, which industries?

And by elite, I mean T20 university or T10 SLAC. The DCUM preferred schools.

So UVA, Georgetown, etc. are not elite?

OP here. Of course they are. But my sense is DCUM approves of T20 universities and T10 SLAC, generally.

So my post is really about why parents are freaking out about their kids getting into those schools, as though their lives will be materially worse if they don’t go to one of those schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prestigious colleges generally graduate more successful people, and some industries are only accessible to people who attend a select few elite universities. Resources, opportunities, and faculty relationships can be cultivated more easily at some schools as well.

Which industries are ONLY accessible to a small number of colleges?

Investment banking, MBB consulting. Good luck breaking in if you're not at at LEAST a semi-target.

I am not kidding when I say I would be so disappointed if my kids went into either of these fields.

OP here.

I would honestly rather clean toilets than work at one of those consulting firms and tell companies how to justify laying people off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prestigious colleges generally graduate more successful people, and some industries are only accessible to people who attend a select few elite universities. Resources, opportunities, and faculty relationships can be cultivated more easily at some schools as well.

Which industries are ONLY accessible to a small number of colleges?

Investment banking, MBB consulting. Good luck breaking in if you're not at at LEAST a semi-target.

Ok.

Beyond that, which most people are miserable actually doing, which industries?

And by elite, I mean T20 university or T10 SLAC. The DCUM preferred schools.

So UVA, Georgetown, etc. are not elite?

OP here. Of course they are. But my sense is DCUM approves of T20 universities and T10 SLAC, generally.

So my post is really about why parents are freaking out about their kids getting into those schools, as though their lives will be materially worse if they don’t go to one of those schools.

What’s weird is that parents tend to trust what they see on social media, where anyone can just make stuff up, instead of observing what’s really happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downward mobility

THIS, it's scary out there...

[Anonymous]

AI or not AI.

One of the purposes of elite education is to cultivate agency in a kid. They are the ones who define tasks, not the ones tasks being assigned to. And I think this is even more critical in the age of AI. Hence, sending your kids to an elite institution becomes even more important. However you want to define elite.