Reply to S/O: Separated but not "divorced"

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Reply to "S/O: Separated but not "divorced""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I so wish my STBX has accepted separation as an option. We have two houses and it could have easily worked without disrupting either of our lives. However, he is very naive and ignorant of anything beyond his bachelor days and his parents’ marriage, so he did not understand separation as a concept. He thought it literally described when you are in a marriage that isn’t great, not that it was an actual standalone concept, let alone a separate legal one. And this is a man with graduate degrees earning 7 figures.

So anyway…when our marriage got hard [b]he went and filed for divorce without warning because that’s how he thought it worked.[/b]

Separation is a very good way to preserve assets and give them time to grow in a down market, buy time in a bad real estate market, preserve access to healthcare, give children agency over their housing situation (especially if they are tweens or young teens and in a state that does not take their preference into consideration), etc.

My STBX has no desire to date or even interact with human beings. In a situation like that, separation is a much better option than divorce. But it takes two people to agree to that and if it was that easy for a couple, maybe even separation would not be  on the table. [/quote]

Ooof. I'm sorry, pp. That's horrid. What an immature, selfish thing to do. I could say you're better off without him, and you near-certainly are, but I'm more focused on how utterly foolish that decision is. That's how you get a contentious divorce that drags everything out, costs entirely too much, and leaves everybody scarred. I'm so sorry someone who promised to love you took that track, and honestly shaken up by how ridiculous it is for a so-called adult to take a "let's just do the trope they use in movies" approach to a major life decision that affects multiple parties. [/quote]

Accurate- it made it immediately contentious, extraordinarily expensive, and our children are already scarred just 6 months into what I can see will be a long process. There were attorneys who basically cut our initial consults short and didn't charge me because some amount of collaboration is now expected and the norm for many family law practices. exDH doesn't understand that even a temporary separation would have given us the time to work out arrangements that would benefit him financially and help us deal with things like shared assets and logistics (particularly housing) in a way that wouldn't destroy our net worth. I won't be better off financially or emotionally because I can see how difference my children are than before STBX pulled the trigger. He broke them.

Funny you should mention movies because without my presence or intervention my STBX seems to use TV or movies to model his behavior and figure out how people do things.

Anyway, I think separation, first casual and then legal, is an ideal way for everyone to catch their breath, look around, and really examine the landscape of a relationship to figure out how or if divorce makes financial and logistical sense.[/quote]

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