Reply to S/O: Separated but not "divorced"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"It's cheaper to keep her" but that doesn't mean you have to keep her around.  :lol:

I have a not-quite-ex. We've lived separately for years. We have school-aged kids, and it would've been catastrophic to them if ex and I had split the money and tried to figure out how to make two full, separate households work. One of us went to a rented room, the other got custody and stayed with the kids in their childhood home. Non-custodial parent sees the kids weekly; they're not estranged (they just didn't want to parent, which is a large part of the marital breakdown). It's a delicate balance, but it works for us, for now. We'll file and finish the paperwork once the kids are grown and flown. I'll never get back with my ex, but we're probably happier now than either of us were for most of our coupled-up marriage.

I don't know why some people judge this approach so harshly. It gives a great cooling off period and limits the financial fsckedupedness. Not everyone can do this, and it does require logistics wrangling that can be a problem if there's active conflict between the parents. For us, though, it's the best possible almost-resolution (for now). [/quote]

I have a similar situation to this in terms of root causes of separation. I am assuming divorce bc he will want to date again and I imagine that’s gonna be an issue for the ladies he will end up seeing if he’s not divorced. (For my part I am not worried about my status.) how do you all manage new relationships given the legal and financial ties you still have?[/quote]

PP you're replying to - I don't date, and I don't care what my ex does. "What happens over there stays over there and I stay out of it" is a critical component of this functioning well. I don't even bother trying to control my ex, and they're never happy when they try to control me. We're separated because we don't want that connection anymore, so we keep it separate. [/quote]

Yes understood. I was not asking so much about how you or he feels—more whether or not the people you date (if any) can understand this type of agreement. In other words my situation is this: I think something similar could suit me, and  maybe my STBX, but I’m expecting he will face pressure to file at some point from a woman who doesn’t understand or trust our situation. To your point it’s nothing I can control I guess. [/quote]

If it's a dynamic that works for you both, you'll be more motivated to choose partners it also works for than to mess it up. Future tripping about how your not-quite-ex-husband will someday meet a woman who will 'make' him file out of jealousy or whatever isn't a great use of your time and resources. Depending on your ages, neither of you may want to remarry. If your husband is looking to remarry, this dynamic probably won't work for the two of you, let alone any future partners.

But it's not that hard to find people who don't want to marry, but may want a casual relationship, FWB, "dating" as the pp upthread called it, a consensually nonmonogamous relationship, a situationship, a live-in bestie, or any number of other nontraditional partnership structures with which this dynamic is completely compatible.

If I were dating someone right now who tried to demand that I divorce my not-ex, I'd dump them. The dynamic was made clear at the start, and this is how it is because I want it to be this way (for now). I do understand that it's not for some people, and I respect that, but it works for me and, for now, I have no intention of changing it. It's also not a forever promise to my not-ex. Should that situation occur, well, changes get made. That's how we ended up separated but not divorced in the first place.  [/quote]

Thank you. Really helpful to have this perspective. [/quote]

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