Prenup Situation - how to move forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar, gender swapped, situation on a /much/ smaller scale. Even down to meeting my husband when I was finishing subspecialty training and just starting a lucrative partnership track job in my early 30's. Husband didn't want to touch trust, so we basically live off my income while his savings remains premarital assets and untouched and he works a modestly paid public interest job. In our case, we created a stepwise system where I gradually become his beneficiary of that trust to a max 1/3 after 20 years. We are currently at year 17! The remainder is split evenly between his son and our son. It makes my husband feel better because his premarital assets remain intact with the majority passing to our kids. And I'm fine with being the breadwinner and saving less because it functionally acts like savings for me.

If anyone thinks this is too much, especially when there are step kids involved, I'll point out my income funded private school, college, and grad school for my stepson. Things my husband would have had to dig into the trust for had I not been in the picture. He stopped the big law lifestyle when he met me and was also able to spend much more time at home and with both kids.

"I'll point out my income funded private school, college, and grad school for my stepson." You're an idiot for paying for this. He absolutely should have used the trust fund for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a lawyer. Maybe look at total assets so as you earn more each year and her trust builds you remain financial equals in the marriage. Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary.

No matter what you do your high six figure to seven figure salary will be a marital asset so you will have 99% of the family income and HHI. Her money is all locked away and won't be considered family assets - yours isn't.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out how to remain financial equals in the marriage.

"Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary." You clearly know nothing about trusts. First of all, she might not even be the trustee. There might be a corporate trustee who has to follow the rules of the trust. And the rules of the trust are unlikely to allow her to pull high six figures out. Most trusts require you to consider other assets - meaning his salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a lawyer. Maybe look at total assets so as you earn more each year and her trust builds you remain financial equals in the marriage. Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary.

No matter what you do your high six figure to seven figure salary will be a marital asset so you will have 99% of the family income and HHI. Her money is all locked away and won't be considered family assets - yours isn't.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out how to remain financial equals in the marriage.

"Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary." You clearly know nothing about trusts. First of all, she might not even be the trustee. There might be a corporate trustee who has to follow the rules of the trust. And the rules of the trust are unlikely to allow her to pull high six figures out. Most trusts require you to consider other assets - meaning his salary.

It would be better for OP to marry someone who does not have a trust fund and who has similar earning potential and work ethic. They could build their own wealth together. The current situation seems to involve a control and power imbalance, which is unfair. His spouse’s trust disincentivizes her to work hard and contribute to the marital pot because we she has enough in her own pot that he’ll never get. Just don’t make the same mistake I did by marrying someone whose parents are financially irresponsible and end up taking all your money. It's even worse than dealing with wealthy, controlling in-laws. At least they don't take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a lawyer. Maybe look at total assets so as you earn more each year and her trust builds you remain financial equals in the marriage. Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary.

No matter what you do your high six figure to seven figure salary will be a marital asset so you will have 99% of the family income and HHI. Her money is all locked away and won't be considered family assets - yours isn't.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out how to remain financial equals in the marriage.

"Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary." You clearly know nothing about trusts. First of all, she might not even be the trustee. There might be a corporate trustee who has to follow the rules of the trust. And the rules of the trust are unlikely to allow her to pull high six figures out. Most trusts require you to consider other assets - meaning his salary.

DP.

And you clearly don't know what you are talking about. I work for people who receive over $500k annually in trust fund income. And in many of these cases, they have a sibling or two receiving similar amounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a lawyer. Maybe look at total assets so as you earn more each year and her trust builds you remain financial equals in the marriage. Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary.

No matter what you do your high six figure to seven figure salary will be a marital asset so you will have 99% of the family income and HHI. Her money is all locked away and won't be considered family assets - yours isn't.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out how to remain financial equals in the marriage.

"Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary." You clearly know nothing about trusts. First of all, she might not even be the trustee. There might be a corporate trustee who has to follow the rules of the trust. And the rules of the trust are unlikely to allow her to pull high six figures out. Most trusts require you to consider other assets - meaning his salary.

It would be better for OP to marry someone who does not have a trust fund and who has similar earning potential and work ethic. They could build their own wealth together. The current situation seems to involve a control and power imbalance, which is unfair. His spouse’s trust disincentivizes her to work hard and contribute to the marital pot because we she has enough in her own pot that he’ll never get. Just don’t make the same mistake I did by marrying someone whose parents are financially irresponsible and end up taking all your money. It's even worse than dealing with wealthy, controlling in-laws. At least they don't take.

OP consult some good trust and estates attorney before you jump to the above conclusion. Depending on the trust, some of the issues here can be mitigated.

[Anonymous]

She could pull out whatever he makes from the trust so they have 50/50 income. Matching would make it equal opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar, gender swapped, situation on a /much/ smaller scale. Even down to meeting my husband when I was finishing subspecialty training and just starting a lucrative partnership track job in my early 30's. Husband didn't want to touch trust, so we basically live off my income while his savings remains premarital assets and untouched and he works a modestly paid public interest job. In our case, we created a stepwise system where I gradually become his beneficiary of that trust to a max 1/3 after 20 years. We are currently at year 17! The remainder is split evenly between his son and our son. It makes my husband feel better because his premarital assets remain intact with the majority passing to our kids. And I'm fine with being the breadwinner and saving less because it functionally acts like savings for me.

If anyone thinks this is too much, especially when there are step kids involved, I'll point out my income funded private school, college, and grad school for my stepson. Things my husband would have had to dig into the trust for had I not been in the picture. He stopped the big law lifestyle when he met me and was also able to spend much more time at home and with both kids.

"I'll point out my income funded private school, college, and grad school for my stepson." You're an idiot for paying for this. He absolutely should have used the trust fund for this.

I agree. Why would you pay for a stepson‘s education if the father sits on a trust fund? Weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar, gender swapped, situation on a /much/ smaller scale. Even down to meeting my husband when I was finishing subspecialty training and just starting a lucrative partnership track job in my early 30's. Husband didn't want to touch trust, so we basically live off my income while his savings remains premarital assets and untouched and he works a modestly paid public interest job. In our case, we created a stepwise system where I gradually become his beneficiary of that trust to a max 1/3 after 20 years. We are currently at year 17! The remainder is split evenly between his son and our son. It makes my husband feel better because his premarital assets remain intact with the majority passing to our kids. And I'm fine with being the breadwinner and saving less because it functionally acts like savings for me.

If anyone thinks this is too much, especially when there are step kids involved, I'll point out my income funded private school, college, and grad school for my stepson. Things my husband would have had to dig into the trust for had I not been in the picture. He stopped the big law lifestyle when he met me and was also able to spend much more time at home and with both kids.

"I'll point out my income funded private school, college, and grad school for my stepson." You're an idiot for paying for this. He absolutely should have used the trust fund for this.

I agree. Why would you pay for a stepson‘s education if the father sits on a trust fund? Weird

Yeah kind of crazy that she is holding up her arrangement as good. At a minimum there should have been an agreement that she get reimbursed for every sent of expenses she contributed from her salary from day 1 if there was a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Clearly the wife should have income pulled from the trust every year to match the husbands income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the wife should have income pulled from the trust every year to match the husbands income.

That seems really fair.

[Anonymous]

I agree, lawyers with expertise need to get involved in this.

I have a friend who is worth about 80m. She married a "regular guy" who loved her for her and she had kids with him. By their prenup he was supposed to get 750K if they divorced before 5 years of marriage and 1m for every 5 years of marriage after that. He could have done quite fine if he didn't quit his job and just remained a good dude and life partner. But he got used to the easy money and she got tired of him. He blew through the first 750K he was entitled to just trying to get a settlement for more, and didn't make the 10 yr mark.

My friend had control of her money, though. Her dad was already ancient when she was born and he had already passed it to her and bypassed my friend's mother.

Expectation of an inheritance that might not come for another 20-40 years is not the same as having it in hand, though. I don't know how old the bride's parents are but my kid is in his early 30s and I'm not dying tomorrow as far as I know.

[Anonymous]

As others have said OP consult a good lawyer. Also, you could try moving this to the financial thread. Also, if she is counting on an inheritance, ask the lawyer how this all works if it never happens.

My dad made a lot and invested well. He assumed mom (much younger) was on board with his plans. Once he passed, she became money crazed trying to manipulate anyone and everyone and also trying to get her name on things with donations. I was already helping her, but the constant threats of disinheritance anytime I didn't bend to her will became too much as life stressors hit and my kids needed me more. Luckily, we live below our means, and I am a big saver and investor. I expect all of dad's money will end up going to an estranged sibling and various relatives who crawled out of the woodwork to suck up along with putting her name in lights wherever she can, shopping, and hopefully she will be able to afford good long term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a lawyer. Maybe look at total assets so as you earn more each year and her trust builds you remain financial equals in the marriage. Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary.

No matter what you do your high six figure to seven figure salary will be a marital asset so you will have 99% of the family income and HHI. Her money is all locked away and won't be considered family assets - yours isn't.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out how to remain financial equals in the marriage.

"Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary." You clearly know nothing about trusts. First of all, she might not even be the trustee. There might be a corporate trustee who has to follow the rules of the trust. And the rules of the trust are unlikely to allow her to pull high six figures out. Most trusts require you to consider other assets - meaning his salary.

Well, if the family demanding a pre-nup cannot figure out a way to do this, then that’s on them. Even if the amount cannot be “pulled out” then the other spouse needs an entitlement to get that money back when the trust fund is available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This marriage seems to be in trouble already based on your description. We are leaving our child mid-eight figures (as you would describe it). You can bet there will be a prenup.

If I were in DD’s parent’s shoes, I would probably agree to fund grandchildren’s education and chip in on a house but insist on a prenup.

Why do you say the marriage seems to be in trouble and then also say “you bet there will be a prenup”?
The very idea of a prenup is to think about what happens if the marriage falls apart— so do you think a prenup makes that more likely but you are ok with that, or do you think a prenup for someone else is a bad sign but for your kid it isn’t?

Sorry there is no “gotcha here.” Not to mention, I was the second person to state this. With reading comprehension, it’s obvious: I think the son is out of line. He is worried about “funding his wife’s extravagant lifestyle while she keeps all of her (parent’s) money in a trust?” This doesn’t sound very loving. It sounds like a judgy “tit for tat” relationship where there is no trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a lawyer. Maybe look at total assets so as you earn more each year and her trust builds you remain financial equals in the marriage. Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary.

No matter what you do your high six figure to seven figure salary will be a marital asset so you will have 99% of the family income and HHI. Her money is all locked away and won't be considered family assets - yours isn't.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out how to remain financial equals in the marriage.

"Maybe she pulls out of the trust the equivalent of your salary." You clearly know nothing about trusts. First of all, she might not even be the trustee. There might be a corporate trustee who has to follow the rules of the trust. And the rules of the trust are unlikely to allow her to pull high six figures out. Most trusts require you to consider other assets - meaning his salary.

It would be better for OP to marry someone who does not have a trust fund and who has similar earning potential and work ethic. They could build their own wealth together. The current situation seems to involve a control and power imbalance, which is unfair. His spouse’s trust disincentivizes her to work hard and contribute to the marital pot because we she has enough in her own pot that he’ll never get. Just don’t make the same mistake I did by marrying someone whose parents are financially irresponsible and end up taking all your money. It's even worse than dealing with wealthy, controlling in-laws. At least they don't take.

Finding a spouse is not like shopping for a good brand of coffee or butter or something. He found someone he wants to marry. Lucky him, she's rich too. You have no idea what her work ethic is or what she is like. Her parents are wise to push a prenup. He needs to protect himself as well and get more information from a good lawyer. Plus, plenty of people with an excellent work ethic are losing jobs do to downsizing =, AI, etc. It is nice to have a buffer like a trust fund. We don't even know that the in-laws are controlling. OP has not mentioned constant demands and manipulation. They are simply protecting the wealth they created.