Friendship trouble: clear the air, or just move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been very good friends with this friend for about 3 1/2 years, incredibly close.
Over the summer, she didn’t treat me very well. She didn’t come to my child’s birthday party, which was kind of important to me and her own child.
I never really had time to address it, because I didn’t see her, even though we are both teachers. She blew me off a few times and when I tried to express wanting to see her and hang out, to responded in short, curt ways to just let it go.

We haven’t really hung out, aside from in groups, so I never got the chance to talk about the summer… and I felt if I brought it up, it would sound kind of needy, even though I was hurt (and she knew my weaknesses and she knew that she hurt me).

Is it too late to bring it up? Is it worth bringing it up or just let this fizzle I do value her as a friend of course but bringing up something from the summer just seems like a lot of work and I don’t know how well received it’ll be.

I'm going to ask you the same thing I would ask my daughters - do you really want to be friends with someone like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been very good friends with this friend for about 3 1/2 years, incredibly close.
Over the summer, she didn’t treat me very well. She didn’t come to my child’s birthday party, which was kind of important to me and her own child.
I never really had time to address it, because I didn’t see her, even though we are both teachers. She blew me off a few times and when I tried to express wanting to see her and hang out, to responded in short, curt ways to just let it go.

We haven’t really hung out, aside from in groups, so I never got the chance to talk about the summer… and I felt if I brought it up, it would sound kind of needy, even though I was hurt (and she knew my weaknesses and she knew that she hurt me).

Is it too late to bring it up? Is it worth bringing it up or just let this fizzle I do value her as a friend of course but bringing up something from the summer just seems like a lot of work and I don’t know how well received it’ll be.

She has already told you how well it will be received and that is not well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t. Be friendly but a bit aloof matching her response if you see each other in passing. Let the person invite you back in. This has worked for me.

That’s the thing… She has definitely tried to invite herself back in, but I’m just still hurt and NOT good at faking it.

She also has started seeing someone so she’s not available often, and when she is she wants to bring him along. (For example inviting herself AND HIM) to my house. I said no.

Yea, you're needy

Agreed because she has tried to fix it and you won't let her. She tried to introduce you to her new boyfriend, someone important to her, and you to him. You refused. Just let her go instead of continuing to punish her. Life is both too short and too long for this.

I have met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious about others responses. Similar situation. About two months ago, I had invited a couple we are friends with over for dinner. I love hosting and spent all day cooking. The wife canceled 15 min before they were supposed to arrive and sent only her husband. She claimed she wasn’t feeling well (allergies) and had been on the couch all day resting. I was so annoyed. Fine to cancel, but 15 min before you’re supposed to arrive is just so rude. I haven’t really seen her since and now wonder if it’s too late to bring up. I wanted to tell her it really hurt my feelings. I’m not one to make a big deal out of things but this really rubbed me the wrong way. When do you address it and when do you just let it go? She’s kinda flakey so it isn’t completely unexpected behavior.

OP here and I’m sorry. It’s kind of nice to read, though unfortunately that other people wonder the same thing. You’ve actually comforted me quite a lot, as I feared the responses would be “you’re needy” “so dramatic”. But this stuff happens and it’s hurtful.

Was the woman your friend or were you just friendly?

I would characterize her as a good friend. For example, my husband and I spoke at her wedding and she always gives my young daughter presents for birthday/christmas. We are good friends with her husband too. But texting me 15 min before to cancel really did hurt my feelings because I wanted to see her and I do care about her plus I had put all this work into making a nice dinner for us. I suspect something else may have been going on - perhaps she had gotten in a fight with her husband and so didn’t want to come. And if that was the case, just tell me the truth. I would have understood.

I don’t think you’re being needy and dramatic as others have jumped in and said. You’re allowed to have feelings. As I said, I usually don’t make a big deal about stuff but that instance did hurt me.

Hang on, so this woman got married less than 3.5 years ago (that's how long you've been friends and I assume you would have been pretty close to have spoken at the wedding so she got married within the last year or so?) but now she's dating someone new already?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious about others responses. Similar situation. About two months ago, I had invited a couple we are friends with over for dinner. I love hosting and spent all day cooking. The wife canceled 15 min before they were supposed to arrive and sent only her husband. She claimed she wasn’t feeling well (allergies) and had been on the couch all day resting. I was so annoyed. Fine to cancel, but 15 min before you’re supposed to arrive is just so rude. I haven’t really seen her since and now wonder if it’s too late to bring up. I wanted to tell her it really hurt my feelings. I’m not one to make a big deal out of things but this really rubbed me the wrong way. When do you address it and when do you just let it go? She’s kinda flakey so it isn’t completely unexpected behavior.

OP here and I’m sorry. It’s kind of nice to read, though unfortunately that other people wonder the same thing. You’ve actually comforted me quite a lot, as I feared the responses would be “you’re needy” “so dramatic”. But this stuff happens and it’s hurtful.

Was the woman your friend or were you just friendly?

I would characterize her as a good friend. For example, my husband and I spoke at her wedding and she always gives my young daughter presents for birthday/christmas. We are good friends with her husband too. But texting me 15 min before to cancel really did hurt my feelings because I wanted to see her and I do care about her plus I had put all this work into making a nice dinner for us. I suspect something else may have been going on - perhaps she had gotten in a fight with her husband and so didn’t want to come. And if that was the case, just tell me the truth. I would have understood.

I don’t think you’re being needy and dramatic as others have jumped in and said. You’re allowed to have feelings. As I said, I usually don’t make a big deal about stuff but that instance did hurt me.

Hang on, so this woman got married less than 3.5 years ago (that's how long you've been friends and I assume you would have been pretty close to have spoken at the wedding so she got married within the last year or so?) but now she's dating someone new already?

Sorry, that wasn't OP who wrote the above. I didn't realize there were two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP or the first PP are "needy", I think you just want different things from friendships than these particular friends.

You both describe situations where the friend chooses not to attend an event you've invited them to at the last minute, and offer valid but thin excuses and no real apology.

This behavior is okay from an acquaintance but very hurtful from someone you consider to be a close friend. You prioritize these people in your own lives but they don't prioritize you in theirs. In both cases, it sounds like you would have been fine with them not attending the event but expected more care with the cancellation, an apology, a better explanation for why they couldn't make it, something to indicate that you and your event mattered to them even though they couldn't attend.

I have been in this situation before and it is painful but you should also see it as a form of liberation. They have made clear to you that you are not a priority for them. So you no longer need to make them a priority. This feels sad to you right now because you don't have other friends to replace them in your list of priorities. So they are leaving a hole. There is also a feeling of rejection, though I would encourage you to consider that their disinterest in a close friendship may have very little to do with you.

Work through that feeling of loss and rejection, accept it, and then pursue friendships with others. Prioritize yourself and care for and respect yourself the way you wish these friends would.

No need to end the friendships, just shift them into "friendly acquaintance" category and accept that your friendship won't be as close as you thought. If they suddenly expect more closeness from you, gently set a boundary -- sometimes people like the set up where you prioritize them and they don't prioritize you, and it's important to be cautious about that because you don't deserve to be used when it serves them.

Thank you for this nice response.

This is where I’m at with her. She blew me off all summer, but now she’s inviting herself to my house with her boyfriend over a holiday weekend and she’s sour that I said no (but I did say we could do something else).

I actually have another very close, wonderful friend who is the epitome of graciousness and “BFF”… the kind of friend who goes to doctors appointments with you…that kind of thing.

I will miss this other friend but she’s getting so selfish…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

Yes! Wow, maybe DCUM is actually helping me today (in addition to therapy).
I told her I couldn’t host her and her boyfriend this weekend and now she’s upset… but she blew me off all summer, including my son’s birthday party, which was really special.

To you maybe. And to your son. But birthdays really aren't that big a deal, so getting so upset about it is pretty childish. And yes, I have a lot of friends, a happy marriage, and great kids. But I wouldn't be upset with someone for missing a birthday party. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

Yes! Wow, maybe DCUM is actually helping me today (in addition to therapy).
I told her I couldn’t host her and her boyfriend this weekend and now she’s upset… but she blew me off all summer, including my son’s birthday party, which was really special.

To you maybe. And to your son. But birthdays really aren't that big a deal, so getting so upset about it is pretty childish. And yes, I have a lot of friends, a happy marriage, and great kids. But I wouldn't be upset with someone for missing a birthday party. Come on.

NP. What are you talking about? Birthday parties are literally one of the most important days for kids. It wasn't just that the friend didn't come, but her daughter, the invited child and friend of birthday child, didn't come either. I had a falling out with one of my kid's friend's moms and never considered for a second blowing off that child's party. And even my flaky "I can't commit to anything for the next 6 months" friend made sure her son made it to my son's small birthday party.

[Anonymous]

If you're still upset about it, bring it up. You should've brought it up sooner. Either your friend cares enough to engage you on the subject, or they'll decline the conversation or indicate in some other way that your friendship is at an end.

Don't ghost someone you call(ed) a friend just because you're insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

Yes! Wow, maybe DCUM is actually helping me today (in addition to therapy).
I told her I couldn’t host her and her boyfriend this weekend and now she’s upset… but she blew me off all summer, including my son’s birthday party, which was really special.

To you maybe. And to your son. But birthdays really aren't that big a deal, so getting so upset about it is pretty childish. And yes, I have a lot of friends, a happy marriage, and great kids. But I wouldn't be upset with someone for missing a birthday party. Come on.

NP. What are you talking about? Birthday parties are literally one of the most important days for kids. It wasn't just that the friend didn't come, but her daughter, the invited child and friend of birthday child, didn't come either. I had a falling out with one of my kid's friend's moms and never considered for a second blowing off that child's party. And even my flaky "I can't commit to anything for the next 6 months" friend made sure her son made it to my son's small birthday party.

What are you talking about? OP is upset that her FRIEND didn't come to the birthday party. No adult wants to go to a child's birthday party. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

Yes! Wow, maybe DCUM is actually helping me today (in addition to therapy).
I told her I couldn’t host her and her boyfriend this weekend and now she’s upset… but she blew me off all summer, including my son’s birthday party, which was really special.

To you maybe. And to your son. But birthdays really aren't that big a deal, so getting so upset about it is pretty childish. And yes, I have a lot of friends, a happy marriage, and great kids. But I wouldn't be upset with someone for missing a birthday party. Come on.

NP. What are you talking about? Birthday parties are literally one of the most important days for kids. It wasn't just that the friend didn't come, but her daughter, the invited child and friend of birthday child, didn't come either. I had a falling out with one of my kid's friend's moms and never considered for a second blowing off that child's party. And even my flaky "I can't commit to anything for the next 6 months" friend made sure her son made it to my son's small birthday party.

What are you talking about? OP is upset that her FRIEND didn't come to the birthday party. No adult wants to go to a child's birthday party. Ever.

DP but if you read OP's updates it's clear that a big part of the hurt here is that OP's son considers the friend's DD as one of his best friends, and that it was the collective disappointment of neither of them coming that hurt her. It wasn't OP randomly inviting a childless friend to her son's birthday party, which I agree would be weird to have feelings about.

Part of the issue here is likely that OP felt this friendship was special in part because their kids were also friends. I see this a lot with families (I have an elementary age child) -- there is this very strong desire to have a close family friendship where your kids go to school together and are close and the parents are close. It solves some of the problems of modern parenthood if you have this, and is especially true if you have only children, which it appears OP and her friend do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

Yes! Wow, maybe DCUM is actually helping me today (in addition to therapy).
I told her I couldn’t host her and her boyfriend this weekend and now she’s upset… but she blew me off all summer, including my son’s birthday party, which was really special.

To you maybe. And to your son. But birthdays really aren't that big a deal, so getting so upset about it is pretty childish. And yes, I have a lot of friends, a happy marriage, and great kids. But I wouldn't be upset with someone for missing a birthday party. Come on.

NP. What are you talking about? Birthday parties are literally one of the most important days for kids. It wasn't just that the friend didn't come, but her daughter, the invited child and friend of birthday child, didn't come either. I had a falling out with one of my kid's friend's moms and never considered for a second blowing off that child's party. And even my flaky "I can't commit to anything for the next 6 months" friend made sure her son made it to my son's small birthday party.

What are you talking about? OP is upset that her FRIEND didn't come to the birthday party. No adult wants to go to a child's birthday party. Ever.

DP but if you read OP's updates it's clear that a big part of the hurt here is that OP's son considers the friend's DD as one of his best friends, and that it was the collective disappointment of neither of them coming that hurt her. It wasn't OP randomly inviting a childless friend to her son's birthday party, which I agree would be weird to have feelings about.

Part of the issue here is likely that OP felt this friendship was special in part because their kids were also friends. I see this a lot with families (I have an elementary age child) -- there is this very strong desire to have a close family friendship where your kids go to school together and are close and the parents are close. It solves some of the problems of modern parenthood if you have this, and is especially true if you have only children, which it appears OP and her friend do.

Right. My friend and her daughter are (were?) close with my child and myself. The friend (mom) obviously made the call to not come, and we were both hurt.

[Anonymous]

Imo, when you have a heart to heart, the other person (or both) may express genuine remorse and pledge that things will be different. Except they aren't. Usually any changed behavior, if it's dramatically different, is short-lived.

I find it's better to just focus on now. Are you getting along? No need to mention the past as I just don't think it helps with what's happening now. Op, I think what your past hurt has told you is, the natural thing for you to do now, is step back. Do not put yourself out-there for her to any degree that causes triggers for you feelings of resentment - let that be your guide.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a lot of work

[Anonymous]

I think you two aren’t friendship compatible.