Friendship trouble: clear the air, or just move on?
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Anonymous
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I have been very good friends with this friend for about 3 1/2 years, incredibly close.
Over the summer, she didn’t treat me very well. She didn’t come to my child’s birthday party, which was kind of important to me and her own child. I never really had time to address it, because I didn’t see her, even though we are both teachers. She blew me off a few times and when I tried to express wanting to see her and hang out, to responded in short, curt ways to just let it go. We haven’t really hung out, aside from in groups, so I never got the chance to talk about the summer… and I felt if I brought it up, it would sound kind of needy, even though I was hurt (and she knew my weaknesses and she knew that she hurt me). Is it too late to bring it up? Is it worth bringing it up or just let this fizzle I do value her as a friend of course but bringing up something from the summer just seems like a lot of work and I don’t know how well received it’ll be. |
Anonymous
| I’m curious about others responses. Similar situation. About two months ago, I had invited a couple we are friends with over for dinner. I love hosting and spent all day cooking. The wife canceled 15 min before they were supposed to arrive and sent only her husband. She claimed she wasn’t feeling well (allergies) and had been on the couch all day resting. I was so annoyed. Fine to cancel, but 15 min before you’re supposed to arrive is just so rude. I haven’t really seen her since and now wonder if it’s too late to bring up. I wanted to tell her it really hurt my feelings. I’m not one to make a big deal out of things but this really rubbed me the wrong way. When do you address it and when do you just let it go? She’s kinda flakey so it isn’t completely unexpected behavior. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t. Be friendly but a bit aloof matching her response if you see each other in passing. Let the person invite you back in. This has worked for me. |
Anonymous
It isn't "completely unexpected behavior," so you let it go. Done. |
Anonymous
OP here and I’m sorry. It’s kind of nice to read, though unfortunately that other people wonder the same thing. You’ve actually comforted me quite a lot, as I feared the responses would be “you’re needy” “so dramatic”. But this stuff happens and it’s hurtful. Was the woman your friend or were you just friendly? |
Anonymous
That’s the thing… She has definitely tried to invite herself back in, but I’m just still hurt and NOT good at faking it. She also has started seeing someone so she’s not available often, and when she is she wants to bring him along. (For example inviting herself AND HIM) to my house. I said no. |
Anonymous
Yea, you're needy |
Anonymous
| You’re making this bigger than it needs to be |
Anonymous
| You sound like a drama queen and sounds like she’s backing off. Don’t confront her you will just make yourself look more psycho. |
Anonymous
How do I make it SMALLER then? She is very hot and cold. She invited herself and the boyfriend over to my house and I said no it doesn’t work out and now she’s upset. Separate issue, but there you go maybe I should just drop her, but keep it cordial… |
Anonymous
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I wonder if some of the hot and cold and distance is due to your hurt feelings and if or how you might be unintentionally treating her coldly.
What was her reason for not attending your son’s party? I know you know people are obligated to attend a party. |
Anonymous
I would characterize her as a good friend. For example, my husband and I spoke at her wedding and she always gives my young daughter presents for birthday/christmas. We are good friends with her husband too. But texting me 15 min before to cancel really did hurt my feelings because I wanted to see her and I do care about her plus I had put all this work into making a nice dinner for us. I suspect something else may have been going on - perhaps she had gotten in a fight with her husband and so didn’t want to come. And if that was the case, just tell me the truth. I would have understood. I don’t think you’re being needy and dramatic as others have jumped in and said. You’re allowed to have feelings. As I said, I usually don’t make a big deal about stuff but that instance did hurt me. |
Anonymous
Her child was trying a class (an on going, daily class that she could’ve tried any other time). She canceled 2 days before after I asked and asked for an RSVP “oh so sorry, Larla trying a drum circle that day!” My son was crushed and so was I. The girl and mom were our best friends. |
Anonymous
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Most of the time -98% of the time- other people's actions are about them, not you.
So, no need to be hurt. This isn't about you. You don't actually know what is going on. Take them at face value. Assume the best of them. Was it this one time in the 3.5 year relationship? Then give them a pass. Let it go. If this is a recurring issue - then address it. If this is a recurring issue, and you already have addressed it and it hasn't gotten better - then let the friendship go. Be kind, be brave, be true to yourself. Be vulnerable and genuine. Assume that other people have your best interest at heart, but never assume they'll think of you first (they won't). |
Anonymous
It’s clear to me she is very into her boyfriend right now and not interested in hanging out one-on-one with you! |