Friendship trouble: clear the air, or just move on?

[Anonymous]

I'd let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of the hot and cold and distance is due to your hurt feelings and if or how you might be unintentionally treating her coldly.

What was her reason for not attending your son’s party? I know you know people are obligated to attend a party.

Her child was trying a class (an on going, daily class that she could’ve tried any other time). She canceled 2 days before after I asked and asked for an RSVP “oh so sorry, Larla trying a drum circle that day!” My son was crushed and so was I. The girl and mom were our best friends.

They weren't, and aren't, your best friends. It's ok to shift how you feel. It's ok to stay friendly. But it's very clear you are not their best friend. So confronting her will not work. Find new friends and stay busy.

[Anonymous]

They might have been your only friends but they weren't considering you and mini you best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They might have been your only friends but they weren't considering you and mini you best friends.

Definitely not our only friends but thanks for that. My friend, actually, called me her best friend and was very affectionate…the shift over the summer was jarring and hurtful. I think it’ll just let it go. See where we go from here.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

[Anonymous]

Here is how I am with people who I consider close friends. Once I get the gut instinct that you are not telling me the truth or you are not authentic, I just check out. When I see you, we're fine and can have a nice time no hard feelings but I'm not giving you a lot of thought. If you were not a close friend to begin with, I would not care and I would just write you off and not invite you to things anymore.

15 minute friend before dinner...the story smells like BS.
Teacher friend blowing you off over the summer with no explanation...something was either going on in her life that you're not a good enough friend for her to tell you or she doesn't like you and is/was ghosting you.

At the end of the day, invest in people who invest in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of the hot and cold and distance is due to your hurt feelings and if or how you might be unintentionally treating her coldly.

What was her reason for not attending your son’s party? I know you know people are obligated to attend a party.

Her child was trying a class (an on going, daily class that she could’ve tried any other time). She canceled 2 days before after I asked and asked for an RSVP “oh so sorry, Larla trying a drum circle that day!” My son was crushed and so was I. The girl and mom were our best friends.

I don’t understand this story. If you were asking and asking for an rsvp, then how is she cancelling something when she hadn’t given an rsvp? Why was your son so certain she was coming that he was crushes while you were still trying to get an rsvp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you both (OP and 1st PP) sound a little bit needy. To PP who's friend cancled before dinner - you need to assume the best about them. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they weren't feeling well but if it's not a pattern of behavior have some grace and let it go.

OP - OMG you were crushed that they missed a kids birthday party? Were they the only kids invited? I assume that your child is relatively young. If I'm correct, you are going to need to grow some thicker skin to navigate middle and high school. Wait until these two kids don't like each other anymore and you have to learn how to separate your friendships from your kids friendships.

The opposite. He is 10 and they’ve been friends for 5 years, and several kids were invited but it was a small group.

Here’s the thing: whether or not WE mean more to them or THEY mean more to us totally depends on my friend and what she wants.

My child’s birthday? Not important because they have a class.

Want to come over but I say no because we are busy? She’s upset.

It’s obnoxious and I think typing this out makes me realize that.

Ok, I agree. She has high expectations for you but not for herself.

Yes! Wow, maybe DCUM is actually helping me today (in addition to therapy).
I told her I couldn’t host her and her boyfriend this weekend and now she’s upset… but she blew me off all summer, including my son’s birthday party, which was really special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of the hot and cold and distance is due to your hurt feelings and if or how you might be unintentionally treating her coldly.

What was her reason for not attending your son’s party? I know you know people are obligated to attend a party.

Her child was trying a class (an on going, daily class that she could’ve tried any other time). She canceled 2 days before after I asked and asked for an RSVP “oh so sorry, Larla trying a drum circle that day!” My son was crushed and so was I. The girl and mom were our best friends.

I don’t understand this story. If you were asking and asking for an rsvp, then how is she cancelling something when she hadn’t given an rsvp? Why was your son so certain she was coming that he was crushes while you were still trying to get an rsvp?

I asked her 4ish weeks before when I planned it. “Yup we’ll be there!”…I sent an invite but she didn’t officially rsvp. Checked again verbally a week or so, “yep sounds fun!”…3 or so days before I had to order pizza so I checked the website for the headcount, didn’t see hers so I checked in again “ hey I’m ordering pizza just need a headcount”… that’s when she said they can’t make it because her daughter was trying a new class. My son has a small sweet group of friends and we really thought she would be there.

[Anonymous]

No adults wants to go to kid’s birthday parties. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious about others responses. Similar situation. About two months ago, I had invited a couple we are friends with over for dinner. I love hosting and spent all day cooking. The wife canceled 15 min before they were supposed to arrive and sent only her husband. She claimed she wasn’t feeling well (allergies) and had been on the couch all day resting. I was so annoyed. Fine to cancel, but 15 min before you’re supposed to arrive is just so rude. I haven’t really seen her since and now wonder if it’s too late to bring up. I wanted to tell her it really hurt my feelings. I’m not one to make a big deal out of things but this really rubbed me the wrong way. When do you address it and when do you just let it go? She’s kinda flakey so it isn’t completely unexpected behavior.

I would suspect a serious argument with husband or some other kind of breakdown and invite her for a one-on-one. If she sent her husband and he actually went without her, she knew it was important and was trying to make good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t. Be friendly but a bit aloof matching her response if you see each other in passing. Let the person invite you back in. This has worked for me.

That’s the thing… She has definitely tried to invite herself back in, but I’m just still hurt and NOT good at faking it.

She also has started seeing someone so she’s not available often, and when she is she wants to bring him along. (For example inviting herself AND HIM) to my house. I said no.

Yea, you're needy

Agreed because she has tried to fix it and you won't let her. She tried to introduce you to her new boyfriend, someone important to her, and you to him. You refused. Just let her go instead of continuing to punish her. Life is both too short and too long for this.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP or the first PP are "needy", I think you just want different things from friendships than these particular friends.

You both describe situations where the friend chooses not to attend an event you've invited them to at the last minute, and offer valid but thin excuses and no real apology.

This behavior is okay from an acquaintance but very hurtful from someone you consider to be a close friend. You prioritize these people in your own lives but they don't prioritize you in theirs. In both cases, it sounds like you would have been fine with them not attending the event but expected more care with the cancellation, an apology, a better explanation for why they couldn't make it, something to indicate that you and your event mattered to them even though they couldn't attend.

I have been in this situation before and it is painful but you should also see it as a form of liberation. They have made clear to you that you are not a priority for them. So you no longer need to make them a priority. This feels sad to you right now because you don't have other friends to replace them in your list of priorities. So they are leaving a hole. There is also a feeling of rejection, though I would encourage you to consider that their disinterest in a close friendship may have very little to do with you.

Work through that feeling of loss and rejection, accept it, and then pursue friendships with others. Prioritize yourself and care for and respect yourself the way you wish these friends would.

No need to end the friendships, just shift them into "friendly acquaintance" category and accept that your friendship won't be as close as you thought. If they suddenly expect more closeness from you, gently set a boundary -- sometimes people like the set up where you prioritize them and they don't prioritize you, and it's important to be cautious about that because you don't deserve to be used when it serves them.