Reply to Friendship trouble: clear the air, or just move on?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think OP or the first PP are "needy", I think you just want different things from friendships than these particular friends.

You both describe situations where the friend chooses not to attend an event you've invited them to at the last minute, and offer valid but thin excuses and no real apology.

This behavior is okay from an acquaintance but very hurtful from someone you consider to be a close friend. You prioritize these people in your own lives but they don't prioritize you in theirs. In both cases, it sounds like you would have been fine with them not attending the event but expected more care with the cancellation, an apology, a better explanation for why they couldn't make it, something to indicate that you and your event mattered to them even though they couldn't attend.

I have been in this situation before and it is painful but you should also see it as a form of liberation. They have made clear to you that you are not a priority for them. So you no longer need to make them a priority. This feels sad to you right now because you don't have other friends to replace them in your list of priorities. So they are leaving a hole. There is also a feeling of rejection, though I would encourage you to consider that their disinterest in a close friendship may have very little to do with you.

Work through that feeling of loss and rejection, accept it, and then pursue friendships with others. Prioritize yourself and care for and respect yourself the way you wish these friends would.

No need to end the friendships, just shift them into "friendly acquaintance" category and accept that your friendship won't be as close as you thought. If they suddenly expect more closeness from you, gently set a boundary -- sometimes people like the set up where you prioritize them and they don't prioritize you, and it's important to be cautious about that because you don't deserve to be used when it serves them.[/quote]

Thank you for this nice response.

This is where I’m at with her. She blew me off all summer, but now she’s inviting herself to my house with her boyfriend over a holiday weekend and she’s sour that I said no (but I did say we could do something else).

I actually have another very close, wonderful friend who is the epitome of graciousness and “BFF”… the kind of friend who goes to doctors appointments with you…that kind of thing.

I will miss this other friend but she’s getting so selfish…[/quote]

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