Spouse Tags Along At Every Meeting and Conference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mmmmm something about your description seems off. I mean, yes, a spouse attending a ton of business meetings and hanging all over her husband is super weird. But your concerns all seem... personal. Should you "ignore her" or "be her BFF" - "I don't want her man" it's "making you uncomfortable" "she thinks we're buddies but we're not"...

I feel like if you were presenting this factually, your questions and concerns would be professional. More along the lines of "She attends customer meetings, and I can tell the customers are uncomfortable with this - these are important events for developing client relationships, and he's leaving a bad impression" or "often these green room times are chances to catch up with key industry professionals who are also there, and he knows them, but instead of introducing me, he's talking with his wife" or "we often need to strategize before we meet, but instead his focus is split and I feel like we're heading into meetings unprepared?" etc, etc, etc. If there are professional problems, spell them out, and we can help you navigate.

But your concerns seem personal. You wish she wasn't there because you like your boss, he's a friend and colleague, you like spending time with him, and you don't like her - she's ruining the vibe. Note: this doesn't have to be nefarious or imply that you want to bang him. I think we all have friends whose company we prefer without their spouse, particularly if their spouse is a dud. But then call a spade a spade. You don't like her, and she makes these trips less pleasant for you.

That's a bummer, but also not a problem you should "fix" - the answer is to treat her warmly, be professional in professional settings, pleasant in less personal situations (like on the airplane) and excuse yourself when you tire of her.

NP and I don't think it's necessarily that complicated. I would NOT want anyone who doesn't have a business reason to be in a sales meeting or business meeting there. It's not about the vibe with the boss, it's about the person ruining the vibe with the CLIENT and making my company look unprofessional, which could potentially cost me the account and my job.

PP here. Completely agree! Except... that's not what she said. Her post doesn't mention a single professional concern. Her post says "It does make me uncomfortable" and it's "awkward for me" but doesn't say anything about making the company look unprofessional, the client's being uncomfortable, concerns about account or job security... that's my point. Those are real problems. "I don't like it" isn't.

[Anonymous]

I have traveled with DH to conferences and business trips when I can and it's in a good place all our marriage.
I do my own thing including dinners when he has business meals. At some conferences where people do bring family, I will go to dinners. But even then sometimes I say no thanks.
A few times I have seen his sessions at workshops or panels in big conferences but I stay in the back.
What the spouse is doing is really weird.

[Anonymous]

13:01 by good place I mean locale. Sydney, Big Sur, NYC sure. Dayton not so much.

[Anonymous]

I’d wonder whether the boss’s prior behavior has given his wife cause for concern and she comes along to keep an eye on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - let me clarify, the wife comes to every client meeting, business dinner, etc, *when we are on travel.* Not when we are in DC taking meetings or events. And yes business negotiation happens during these travel dinners and meetings. No one else has spouses at them.

There's literally nothing you can do here unless her presence is unethical or opposite to company interests, in which case you would have to raise it to him first.

To me it sounds like she's either a wackadoo - and by extension, so is he; or she has good reason to cling - i.e. - he cheated and this is part of her staying in the marriage. I'd go with the flow and enjoy being able to tell the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - let me clarify, the wife comes to every client meeting, business dinner, etc, *when we are on travel.* Not when we are in DC taking meetings or events. And yes business negotiation happens during these travel dinners and meetings. No one else has spouses at them.

There's literally nothing you can do here unless her presence is unethical or opposite to company interests, in which case you would have to raise it to him first.

To me it sounds like she's either a wackadoo - and by extension, so is he; or she has good reason to cling - i.e. - he cheated and this is part of her staying in the marriage. I'd go with the flow and enjoy being able to tell the story.

I think they are both wacky if they think it's remotely appropriate for her to go to business meetings, conferences, and dinners! Insane. I work in HR and I keep imagining someone bringing this to my attention. This is a head banger.

[Anonymous]

I bet he cheated and this is the condition wifey has put on his work travel.

I’m still confused as to what industry would allow this. I bet it’s something related to religion or Conservative Inc where Trad Wives are encouraged. Who else would have time for this? It’s 30% of their work year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling with a spouse is one thing. But it's very unprofessional to bring your spouse to business meetings. As a client I would be furious and have that guy and his wife moved off the account

Exactly. I’ve stayed in the hotel room when my husband had a conference. I didn’t tag along with PDAs in front of colleagues and clients.

She must be SO insecure. Did he cheat before? Is this the deal they have now?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to say OP is a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling with a spouse is one thing. But it's very unprofessional to bring your spouse to business meetings. As a client I would be furious and have that guy and his wife moved off the account

+1 million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mmmmm something about your description seems off. I mean, yes, a spouse attending a ton of business meetings and hanging all over her husband is super weird. But your concerns all seem... personal. Should you "ignore her" or "be her BFF" - "I don't want her man" it's "making you uncomfortable" "she thinks we're buddies but we're not"...

I feel like if you were presenting this factually, your questions and concerns would be professional. More along the lines of "She attends customer meetings, and I can tell the customers are uncomfortable with this - these are important events for developing client relationships, and he's leaving a bad impression" or "often these green room times are chances to catch up with key industry professionals who are also there, and he knows them, but instead of introducing me, he's talking with his wife" or "we often need to strategize before we meet, but instead his focus is split and I feel like we're heading into meetings unprepared?" etc, etc, etc. If there are professional problems, spell them out, and we can help you navigate.

But your concerns seem personal. You wish she wasn't there because you like your boss, he's a friend and colleague, you like spending time with him, and you don't like her - she's ruining the vibe. Note: this doesn't have to be nefarious or imply that you want to bang him. I think we all have friends whose company we prefer without their spouse, particularly if their spouse is a dud. But then call a spade a spade. You don't like her, and she makes these trips less pleasant for you.

That's a bummer, but also not a problem you should "fix" - the answer is to treat her warmly, be professional in professional settings, pleasant in less personal situations (like on the airplane) and excuse yourself when you tire of her.

NP and I don't think it's necessarily that complicated. I would NOT want anyone who doesn't have a business reason to be in a sales meeting or business meeting there. It's not about the vibe with the boss, it's about the person ruining the vibe with the CLIENT and making my company look unprofessional, which could potentially cost me the account and my job.

PP here. Completely agree! Except... that's not what she said. Her post doesn't mention a single professional concern. Her post says "It does make me uncomfortable" and it's "awkward for me" but doesn't say anything about making the company look unprofessional, the client's being uncomfortable, concerns about account or job security... that's my point. Those are real problems. "I don't like it" isn't.

OP said the wife is often hugging and kissing the boss during these business events. To me that is the deal breaker. It's one thing if she was polite, professional, not distracting or detracting from the business at hand. But hugging and kissing are not appropriate for business, and it's on the boss' boss to put an end to it. OP I hate to say it but 'grin and bear it' is your only course of action. Maybe prepare with a few set phrases to gently say no when the wife wants to be your buddy. That way you don't get surprised or flustered into something you don't want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling with a spouse is one thing. But it's very unprofessional to bring your spouse to business meetings. As a client I would be furious and have that guy and his wife moved off the account

I never in my professional career working in different industries saw anyone else's spouse attend any meetings. Boss would have been spoken to severely if he tried to bring his spouse to meetings. This is way out of line.

[Anonymous]

I think there must be some special circumstance or relationship between the boss and higher ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet he cheated and this is the condition wifey has put on his work travel.

I’m still confused as to what industry would allow this. I bet it’s something related to religion or Conservative Inc where Trad Wives are encouraged. Who else would have time for this? It’s 30% of their work year!

Any place I've ever worked - Fed Gov, private contractor, tech would not allow random employees to attend meetings not directly related to their work. Even if that is true managers have to decide that those employees should attend. There is no way a spouse is invited in to any work meetings. My guess is this must be a tiny privately owned company and this is the owner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - let me clarify, the wife comes to every client meeting, business dinner, etc, *when we are on travel.* Not when we are in DC taking meetings or events. And yes business negotiation happens during these travel dinners and meetings. No one else has spouses at them.

There's literally nothing you can do here unless her presence is unethical or opposite to company interests, in which case you would have to raise it to him first.

To me it sounds like she's either a wackadoo - and by extension, so is he; or she has good reason to cling - i.e. - he cheated and this is part of her staying in the marriage. I'd go with the flow and enjoy being able to tell the story.

Cheating is not a good reason to do this. There is no good reason to do this. She needs to divorce him or talk him in to changing jobs. She does not get to inflict this on everyone who works with her dh.