Spouse Tags Along At Every Meeting and Conference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is it possible this person who you have assumed is your manager's wife is actually a life coach, consultant/advisor, or someone on sabbatical from a sister org? That would go a long way to explaining this person being around a lot, attending important meetings, etc. As far as this person hanging on your boss, it is possible that is only your perception and others are not perceiving the same thing. There is a lot to unpack and fold here and you might consider looking further into the suppostions you are making. Maybe there's a simple explanation?

The OP said she’s had conversations with the wife, they are married and have kids, and the wife “kisses him on the mouth” and rubs his arm etc during meetings. Clearly not a platonic “life coach” unless it’s a coach with benefits.

Kisses him on who's mouth? If not a life coach, may be a consultant advisor, which could explain the arm rubbing. Whatever the case, am only saying there could be less than meets the eye and/or a different explanation. If OP believes they are married, has she seen anything that would prove that? Marriage license or wedding photos?

This is way off base. Read the entire thread and OP’s multiple posts
Definitely a wife and family with kids. Not a life coach. Confirmed spouse.

And if this was a life coach she shouldn’t be kissing her client on the mouth in meetings or even attending meetings either.

Sorry PP. you’re off base.

Next….

"Definitely a wife and family with kids." OK, but just saying is OP sure it is his (the manager's) wife? She could be someone else's wife and the kids could be visiting or nieces/nephews. Also It's not unheard of for a life coach to attend meetings or offer a friendly kiss. Same with advisors, consultants and vendors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here catching up on messages - thanks to all who took the time to respond to my message. I’m relieved to read I am not the only one who thinks this odd. I promise this is not a troll post, and I promise this is not because I am that interested in him personally or romantically or anything. It’s more a situational awkwardness. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was so uncomfortable with it, but I think the posters in this thread nailed it. There have been times we have met with clients and other people we are doing business with and - even though we are not attorneys so it’s not legal confidentiality - we are working with proprietary technical data and information and also some trade secrets. The fact that she was there made me uncomfortable for that reason as well as just the weird personal dynamic.

It still does not make sense that you see this person ALL THE TIME and have no idea if she works or not. Something is not adding up on your end.

And it's your boss. If you were his boss, you would have something to say about all of it. Since he supervises you, it likely doesn't matter if you find it weird. Not your call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference in tagging along to a destination and spending time together after hours and accompanying a spouse to the actual business functions. The second is extremely inappropriate and someone really should bring it up to either HR or senior management. It’s a terrible look for the company, not to mention compromising any business confidentiality and proprietary information.

This is the issue. I know people who travel with their spouse but don’t attend actual business meetings. There’s a hard line that needs to be drawn there.

[Anonymous]

That sounds incredibly annoying and inappropriate! Please don’t tell me she tries to chime in on the substance of the meetings.

Do not become this woman’s BFF at work events. Figure out some phrases like “I’ll catch up with you later” or “See you at dinner” or “I’m going to have a working coffee with a client now, so I will see you later.” I think you are stuck with her tagging along for the dinners at night. Try not to get stuck sitting next to her.

As a client, I’d be so intensely irritated by this woman’s ridiculous presence and behavior. And as a client I’d say something to your supervisor like, “It was nice meeting Clingette, but I’d prefer to keep it just us for future meetings.”

[Anonymous]

Wife doesn't trust husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is it possible this person who you have assumed is your manager's wife is actually a life coach, consultant/advisor, or someone on sabbatical from a sister org? That would go a long way to explaining this person being around a lot, attending important meetings, etc. As far as this person hanging on your boss, it is possible that is only your perception and others are not perceiving the same thing. There is a lot to unpack and fold here and you might consider looking further into the suppostions you are making. Maybe there's a simple explanation?

The OP said she’s had conversations with the wife, they are married and have kids, and the wife “kisses him on the mouth” and rubs his arm etc during meetings. Clearly not a platonic “life coach” unless it’s a coach with benefits.

Kisses him on who's mouth? If not a life coach, may be a consultant advisor, which could explain the arm rubbing. Whatever the case, am only saying there could be less than meets the eye and/or a different explanation. If OP believes they are married, has she seen anything that would prove that? Marriage license or wedding photos?

This is way off base. Read the entire thread and OP’s multiple posts
Definitely a wife and family with kids. Not a life coach. Confirmed spouse.

And if this was a life coach she shouldn’t be kissing her client on the mouth in meetings or even attending meetings either.

Sorry PP. you’re off base.

Next….

"Definitely a wife and family with kids." OK, but just saying is OP sure it is his (the manager's) wife? She could be someone else's wife and the kids could be visiting or nieces/nephews. Also It's not unheard of for a life coach to attend meetings or offer a friendly kiss. Same with advisors, consultants and vendors.

You're insane.
But OK, let's say for the sake of this ridiculous and far fetched argument - life coaches shouldn't be in these spaces either, distracting OP from the business at hand.
That do it for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is it possible this person who you have assumed is your manager's wife is actually a life coach, consultant/advisor, or someone on sabbatical from a sister org? That would go a long way to explaining this person being around a lot, attending important meetings, etc. As far as this person hanging on your boss, it is possible that is only your perception and others are not perceiving the same thing. There is a lot to unpack and fold here and you might consider looking further into the suppostions you are making. Maybe there's a simple explanation?

The OP said she’s had conversations with the wife, they are married and have kids, and the wife “kisses him on the mouth” and rubs his arm etc during meetings. Clearly not a platonic “life coach” unless it’s a coach with benefits.

Kisses him on who's mouth? If not a life coach, may be a consultant advisor, which could explain the arm rubbing. Whatever the case, am only saying there could be less than meets the eye and/or a different explanation. If OP believes they are married, has she seen anything that would prove that? Marriage license or wedding photos?

This is way off base. Read the entire thread and OP’s multiple posts
Definitely a wife and family with kids. Not a life coach. Confirmed spouse.

And if this was a life coach she shouldn’t be kissing her client on the mouth in meetings or even attending meetings either.

Sorry PP. you’re off base.

Next….

"Definitely a wife and family with kids." OK, but just saying is OP sure it is his (the manager's) wife? She could be someone else's wife and the kids could be visiting or nieces/nephews. Also It's not unheard of for a life coach to attend meetings or offer a friendly kiss. Same with advisors, consultants and vendors.

You're insane.
But OK, let's say for the sake of this ridiculous and far fetched argument - life coaches shouldn't be in these spaces either, distracting OP from the business at hand.
That do it for you?

Seriously. There are so many people trolling DCUM who are just reflexively contrarian to anything an OP has to share. Always. Clearly OP has a legitimate complaint and clearly this tagalong spouse is unusual and it's easy to see how this situation could impact OP, as one of the only women in any given room. But regardless, there will always be some dunce who chimes in to say that somehow OP is the problem. Sorry, OP, you are completely justified in your feelings and I think your take is legitimate.

[Anonymous]

You've only been there for one and a half years? My guess is your boss had an affair somewhat recently (maybe even with your predecessor?) and she thinks sticking to him like glue when he travels will keep him faithful. I'm surprised that your boss doesn't recognize how having wifey with him on every trip actually undermines him. I'm sure his reputation is taking a hit. Also absolutely don't allow yourself to be her babysitter at meetings. Don't get roped into being her gal pal while the "men" do important work. Get used to excusing yourself whenever you find yourself getting stuck with her. Make a point never to sit near her at dinner.

[Anonymous]

I would assume this has to do with marital infidelity in the past or lack of trust that something wont happen with the husband and a female colleague while on travel.

[Anonymous]

If your company has an Ethics ombudsman, you can likely file an anonymous complaint. In addition to disclosure of trade secrets/ confidential info, there’s also the theft of company resources if she is joining on work dinners and registering for conferences. On the latter point, it’s possible that the husband is not expensing her portion of the meals, but doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume this has to do with marital infidelity in the past or lack of trust that something wont happen with the husband and a female colleague while on travel.

+1 I would assume he's been a cheater and now their deal is she is along to play monitor. It's a bad look for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is crazy. I literally can't imagine my wife feeling compelled to travel with me on business trips, let alone sit in on meetings. And being boxed in with her because you're both women is really, really bad.

You should absolutely get a temperature check on this from the CEO. If their reaction is anything less than "WTF - this stops now", you should start looking elsewhere. A company that tolerates this isn't a great place to advance your career.

[Anonymous]

I should also say that my predecessor's husband would tag along at work social events and that was enough to raise eyebrows. Business meetings... that's nuts.

[Anonymous]

Having the wife at biz meetings must throw off the total dynamic of the rapport, as she is kind of an interloper. Very unprofessional.
I can't stand people who have to insert themselves into every situation, esp ones they are not qualified for. The husband needs to have a talk with her.
I say this as a wife of a tech exec who happily accompanied dh to various conferences but would never attend industry-specific breakouts of any meeting beyond a casual after-work dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I like the idea of raising this with my bosses boss. That individual does not always come along on our trips, but is basically the CEO of the organization so that would sort of mean putting myself out there. I may see what happens in the next quarter and then raise it confidentially or maybe raise it with HR. And I am not exaggerating when I say that she hangs all over him. She literally was kissing him on the mouth and rubbing his arm while we were in a green room client meeting during a conference. That was so inappropriate to me! I also think some of it is my own personal issue. I work in a very male dominated industry and am one of few women who are sort of higher up in this field and in this organization. I’ve worked hard to earn respect and to get where I am, and I sometimes feel like as the only woman in many these green room type exchanges and meetings, I am categorically lumped in with her and expected to be the one to engage with her while the “men” do the business meetings. I hope that makes sense? Yes I am a mom. Yes, I am married. Yes, I of course can have common ground with this woman and chat with her about our kids and what not. But I shouldn’t have to, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to. But perhaps that is my own personal issue and I acknowledge that.

No no no no no. Whatever else happens, OP, whatever else you decide to do or not do - do NOT let yourself be sidelined to be this woman's bff. Do not sacrifice your professional standing and opportunities. Make her come over to you where you are talking to a client, and let your boss and his wife tank the accounts with their own behaviors.

Also, are there other coworkers at these meetings and conferences who see all this going down? Do any of them seem uncomfortable by it all? I hate to say this, but if you could get one of your male colleagues to make the actual HR complaint, it might protect you from all the sexist backlash that you might receive as a woman. "Oh she's being jealous/catty." "She must like Boss." And wifey will be whispering in Boss' ear. "That Larla is such a pain." "That Larla ruined everything." "You should fire Larla."