Spouse Tags Along At Every Meeting and Conference

[Anonymous]

I have a great working relationship with my male supervisor - totally platonic. We are both married with kids. I’ve been in this role for about 1.5 years now - love my job - and our positions are about 30% travel, mostly to the same conferences, events, client meetings, etc. So we are often on the same flights in and out of DC, booked at the same hotels through our organization’s room blocks, etc.

This is going to sound weird - but my issue is his wife and the weird professional dynamic it’s causing. His wife comes to every meeting, conference, work event, showcase, etc, even when there is travel involved, which makes it awkward for me at times. She’s always there! We have business meetings on site with customers and she’s there. We have social dinners or happy hours with clients and she’s there. The last conference we attended she hung around the guest speaker lounge the entire time, when she isn’t a speaker or even in the industry, literally clinging on him and hugging/kissing him every time he went into the room for a break. Is this odd and inappropriate? How would you handle? It does make me uncomfortable - maybe that’s the point? I’m am neither interested in nor want “her man.” I am happily married and there to work as efficiently as possible and get home!

To add, she now thinks we are buddies and will sometimes follow me around events as part of the team, but she isn’t.

I assume she must not work or have her own career if she’s there with him all the time. I am not there to socialize or have “girl time” with this woman. To add, she is the only spouse who attends. These aren’t family events and I would never consider bringing my husband to our client events and meetings.

Has anyone dealt with this situation before? I am just grinning and bearing it but I find it somewhat odd. Other coworkers have also mentioned it to me jokingly. Would you say anything? Just keep it professional? Ignore her? Be her BFF?

[Anonymous]

I would be professional and friendly. You don’t have to be friends, but if you are rude it’s like being rude to your boss in this situation, so I would just treat them as a package deal and part of my job.

I don’t find it super weird and know some consultants/etc. who always travel with their spouses. Not my thing but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Traveling with a spouse is one thing. But it's very unprofessional to bring your spouse to business meetings. As a client I would be furious and have that guy and his wife moved off the account

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. that’s basically what I have been doing but it is awkward when we are meeting with CEOs at a conference and she’s there hanging on him. Lol. It’s kind of funny the more I think about it.

[Anonymous]

NP - I can see if the spouse is there to enjoy the trip/location or support her husband in the background. But to be in the speakers lounge, at customer or client meetings, or making herself that visible is definitely not a good look for her husband. I’d think it’s strange too. The “bosses wife” thing is so 1950s. lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be professional and friendly. You don’t have to be friends, but if you are rude it’s like being rude to your boss in this situation, so I would just treat them as a package deal and part of my job.

I don’t find it super weird and know some consultants/etc. who always travel with their spouses. Not my thing but whatever.

To PP: Do they come to any client or staff meeting that they wish to attend during the travel? Do they come to all meetings and show PDA? I doubt it.

To OP: This would never fly anywhere I have worked if nothing else because work discussions require some privacy among decision makers. It would otherwise be considered a major problem socially at work and very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be professional and friendly. You don’t have to be friends, but if you are rude it’s like being rude to your boss in this situation, so I would just treat them as a package deal and part of my job.

I don’t find it super weird and know some consultants/etc. who always travel with their spouses. Not my thing but whatever.

To PP: Do they come to any client or staff meeting that they wish to attend during the travel? Do they come to all meetings and show PDA? I doubt it.

To OP: This would never fly anywhere I have worked if nothing else because work discussions require some privacy among decision makers. It would otherwise be considered a major problem socially at work and very weird.

+1

I don’t have a problem with spouses attending some of our travel events - we go to cool destinations sometimes. But to hang on him during meetings or professional engagements, or even client dinners when business is being done is not OK. I would also be uncomfortable with this. Especially if there’s negotiating happening which is often proprietary.

Sorry OP - tough situation.

[Anonymous]

If this woman is around so much and spends so much time with you, how do you not KNOW if she works? I mean, have you spoken to her? At all? This seems like a Day 1 light discussion topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be professional and friendly. You don’t have to be friends, but if you are rude it’s like being rude to your boss in this situation, so I would just treat them as a package deal and part of my job.

I don’t find it super weird and know some consultants/etc. who always travel with their spouses. Not my thing but whatever.

To PP: Do they come to any client or staff meeting that they wish to attend during the travel? Do they come to all meetings and show PDA? I doubt it.

To OP: This would never fly anywhere I have worked if nothing else because work discussions require some privacy among decision makers. It would otherwise be considered a major problem socially at work and very weird.

PP here—I have known them to do all that. Not EVERY meeting but definitely things like attending conference sessions and mingling with clients. Our meeting planner went to one of their weddings! Those 2 still travel together. Like I said, very much not my thing but they do it. I know 3 couples off the top of my head who always travel with partners. They travel so much I guess it makes sense, and no kids (they are all older).

[Anonymous]

OP Here - let me clarify, the wife comes to every client meeting, business dinner, etc, *when we are on travel.* Not when we are in DC taking meetings or events. And yes business negotiation happens during these travel dinners and meetings. No one else has spouses at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - let me clarify, the wife comes to every client meeting, business dinner, etc, *when we are on travel.* Not when we are in DC taking meetings or events. And yes business negotiation happens during these travel dinners and meetings. No one else has spouses at them.

Does her presence mean that you have broken a privilege/confidentiality? This is setting off huge alarm bell from a business standpoint to me. If you’re getting legal advice, having her there means your discussions are no longer privileged or confidential, which is huge.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that’s weird. Maybe she is super insecure? Or he is super needy? if that was happening at my organization, I think there would be a lot of people uncomfortable with it due to ethics, finances, etc. Is the organization paying for her to attend all these things, dinner meetings, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - let me clarify, the wife comes to every client meeting, business dinner, etc, *when we are on travel.* Not when we are in DC taking meetings or events. And yes business negotiation happens during these travel dinners and meetings. No one else has spouses at them.

That’s weird. Could there be any explanation that you might not be aware of? Like does she have a relationship with those businesses or decision makers that would explain her presence at the meeting?

[Anonymous]

Is this guy’s supervisor/manager ever at the conferences? They would be the one to put a stop to this. I agree that it is weird. I rarely accompanied my DH’s conferences because they were boring. I would hang at a nice pool and read my book during the long days, but couldn’t imagine doing this often.

[Anonymous]

Politely ask the boss's boss how to navigate the situation with respect to business secrets and client relationships.