Brother never spends holidays with us

[Anonymous]

So, this guy has 2 sisters. There's 2 sisters and Mom. These women, likely, run the show, define the holiday. Not a surprise that this brother and his wife prefer to mold their own holiday. It's not necessarily personal Op - it's just the dynamics

[Anonymous]

I live my life never expecting anyone to host and served me well. Recommend that regarding hosting.

[Anonymous]

Could be personal. I grew up with a friend. She and her sister use to bully the little brother. That was my opinion, we were all children though. He grows up and they can't understand why would marry someone sooo different from them. This SIL they now have in the family, they say she doesn't fit in. She's not like them at all.

[Anonymous]

They like their own quiet traditions. They don't want to be expected to be in the hosting rotation (because even if you said they didn't need to host we all know you'd find some way to hold it over them). The general vibe I get from OP explains why he doesn't want to spend the holidays with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother did the same thing. When his wife's family died, to her, it wasn't fair that my parents were still living so she wouldn't allow holidays with us.

But it’s your brothers responsibility to maintain connections with his own family correct? So why is your SIL getting the blame? Again women getting the blame for men dropping the ball and I don’t want to hear oh your poor brother he just wants to go along with his wife’s wishes bc he can always divorce or speak up or get in his own car and drive so going along with his wife is an active choice he is making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents, adult brother, adult sister and me all live within an hour of each other. My sister and I take turns hosting Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for all of our families. This year I'm dong Thanksgiving and my sister is doing Christmas. Everyone is invited: my parents, siblings, kids, holiday guests and strays etc.

But my brother always declines to host and attend these gatherings. His family just does their own small thing or they go out of town. His wife's family has passed away so it's not like they're spending time with them. This has been going on for years. He does take our parents out for holiday meals at restaurants and sometimes invites my family. Is he being rude by not hosting everyone and/or coming to our holiday get togethers?

I should also add there's seemingly no estrangement. Because he does see my parents separately. And my kids, his kids and our sister's kids all hang out and do playdates so we see each other about once a month. Just not on holidays. What's up with that.

PP from post above. You also refer to him as he and not they he is married why are you ignoring his wife and they aren’t just your brothers nieces but THEIR nieces they are married, correct? So it’s your SIL’s nieces as well but it seems you prefer to ignore her in this context so I don’t blame her if she prefers not being in the company of people who only refer to or regard her husband but acts like she doesn’t exist

NP. When people get married - they are still individuals. It is weird that you think they morph into one blob.

No one said anything about them morphing into one blob but in these cases she is referring to they are a unit but referring him just as a he it sounds like she doesn’t mean or she is being dismissed or he is a single man you say it’s just his niece but if he is married they are her nieces as well. If people go to travel they say I’m going to my sister/BIL’s house or brother/SIL’s house or their house bc it’s both of their houses not just the one. She doesn’t do it just once she repeatedly says just he ignoring the SIL in this equation and part of the family and maybe the brother and SIL pick up on this and prefer not to be around them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Respect his choices.

Respect their* choices. They are a family unit. Why is it ok to respect the brothers choices but you firm have to respect your SIL’s choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents, adult brother, adult sister and me all live within an hour of each other. My sister and I take turns hosting Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for all of our families. This year I'm dong Thanksgiving and my sister is doing Christmas. Everyone is invited: my parents, siblings, kids, holiday guests and strays etc.

But my brother always declines to host and attend these gatherings. His family just does their own small thing or they go out of town. His wife's family has passed away so it's not like they're spending time with them. This has been going on for years. He does take our parents out for holiday meals at restaurants and sometimes invites my family. Is he being rude by not hosting everyone and/or coming to our holiday get togethers?

I should also add there's seemingly no estrangement. Because he does see my parents separately. And my kids, his kids and our sister's kids all hang out and do playdates so we see each other about once a month. Just not on holidays. What's up with that.

PP from post above. You also refer to him as he and not they he is married why are you ignoring his wife and they aren’t just your brothers nieces but THEIR nieces they are married, correct? So it’s your SIL’s nieces as well but it seems you prefer to ignore her in this context so I don’t blame her if she prefers not being in the company of people who only refer to or regard her husband but acts like she doesn’t exist

NP. When people get married - they are still individuals. It is weird that you think they morph into one blob.

No one said anything about them morphing into one blob but in these cases she is referring to they are a unit but referring him just as a he it sounds like she doesn’t mean or she is being dismissed or he is a single man you say it’s just his niece but if he is married they are her nieces as well. If people go to travel they say I’m going to my sister/BIL’s house or brother/SIL’s house or their house bc it’s both of their houses not just the one. She doesn’t do it just once she repeatedly says just he ignoring the SIL in this equation and part of the family and maybe the brother and SIL pick up on this and prefer not to be around them

I think you might be reading too much into it, but you could also be correct.
When I write about a sibling that is married, I typically refer to them individually, not as a unit because my relationship is with my sibling, not BIL/SIL. I don’t talk to any of my BIL/SIL outside of family gatherings. And if I’m coordinating something, it is with my sibling and it is up to them to coordinate with spouse since its not my relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think a really good life rule is to never view another person as a cast member for the event in your head. It’s easy to unintentionally get caught up in the idea of a Norman Rockwell image, big family gathering, loads of decor and food, the hostess being lavished with praise, and the guests having the time of their lives. It is never like this. Never. Yet people still seek it, try to control others to get closer to the ideal, and get very upset when a cast member quits the production.

It sounds like your BIL/SIL are engaged with you and simply more interested in a regular relationship rather than a performative one.

[Anonymous]

I noticed you mentioned nothing about your SIL other than her family has passed. Fwiw, holidays can be hard when your parents have died. And not just the first year, you don't know until you know, it's a lot of big emotions. Maybe she struggles with the holidays, maybe she has fond holiday memories and likes to recreate them with her kids? Maybe she doesn't like the vibe of your holiday gatherings? You barely mentioned her in your post so maybe you leave her out of other things too? Regardless, it sounds like your brother is doing what's best for his family. When my brother's kids were young, he and his wife had very specific ideas about what the day should look like. I felt a little left out initially but it is what it is, every family gets to decide what their traditions are.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm going to let it go like some of you have suggested. But I do have a good relationship with SIL. She's often the one at the cousin playdates without my brother. Sometimes it's nice to have it just the ladies (me, my sister and SIL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents, adult brother, adult sister and me all live within an hour of each other. My sister and I take turns hosting Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for all of our families. This year I'm dong Thanksgiving and my sister is doing Christmas. Everyone is invited: my parents, siblings, kids, holiday guests and strays etc.

But my brother always declines to host and attend these gatherings. His family just does their own small thing or they go out of town. His wife's family has passed away so it's not like they're spending time with them. This has been going on for years. He does take our parents out for holiday meals at restaurants and sometimes invites my family. Is he being rude by not hosting everyone and/or coming to our holiday get togethers?

I should also add there's seemingly no estrangement. Because he does see my parents separately. And my kids, his kids and our sister's kids all hang out and do playdates so we see each other about once a month. Just not on holidays. What's up with that.

PP from post above. You also refer to him as he and not they he is married why are you ignoring his wife and they aren’t just your brothers nieces but THEIR nieces they are married, correct? So it’s your SIL’s nieces as well but it seems you prefer to ignore her in this context so I don’t blame her if she prefers not being in the company of people who only refer to or regard her husband but acts like she doesn’t exist

NP. When people get married - they are still individuals. It is weird that you think they morph into one blob.

No one said anything about them morphing into one blob but in these cases she is referring to they are a unit but referring him just as a he it sounds like she doesn’t mean or she is being dismissed or he is a single man you say it’s just his niece but if he is married they are her nieces as well. If people go to travel they say I’m going to my sister/BIL’s house or brother/SIL’s house or their house bc it’s both of their houses not just the one. She doesn’t do it just once she repeatedly says just he ignoring the SIL in this equation and part of the family and maybe the brother and SIL pick up on this and prefer not to be around them

I think you might be reading too much into it, but you could also be correct.
When I write about a sibling that is married, I typically refer to them individually, not as a unit because my relationship is with my sibling, not BIL/SIL. I don’t talk to any of my BIL/SIL outside of family gatherings. And if I’m coordinating something, it is with my sibling and it is up to them to coordinate with spouse since its not my relationship.

Some of you are really quite warped in your views about family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not being rude. He's doing what works for his family.

This. He just doesn't value holiday time with family like you do. That's fine. Do you see him at other times of the year?

I'm going away this Christmas to the Caribbean. I don't feel like dealing with everything. I've had a hard year and didn't get a summer vacation. Doesn't mean I don't love my sister to pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go like some of you have suggested. But I do have a good relationship with SIL. She's often the one at the cousin playdates without my brother. Sometimes it's nice to have it just the ladies (me, my sister and SIL)

Treat him better.

[Anonymous]

His wife says she “gets overwhelmed by large gatherings”, citing her anxiety or whatever condition she has. Out of guilt he can’t join the larger celebration, she wins.