Brother never spends holidays with us

[Anonymous]

My parents, adult brother, adult sister and me all live within an hour of each other. My sister and I take turns hosting Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for all of our families. This year I'm dong Thanksgiving and my sister is doing Christmas. Everyone is invited: my parents, siblings, kids, holiday guests and strays etc.

But my brother always declines to host and attend these gatherings. His family just does their own small thing or they go out of town. His wife's family has passed away so it's not like they're spending time with them. This has been going on for years. He does take our parents out for holiday meals at restaurants and sometimes invites my family. Is he being rude by not hosting everyone and/or coming to our holiday get togethers?

I should also add there's seemingly no estrangement. Because he does see my parents separately. And my kids, his kids and our sister's kids all hang out and do playdates so we see each other about once a month. Just not on holidays. What's up with that.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your brother. I would not sweat this. For whatever reason they like smaller holiday gatherings. Maybe they're introverts and a day with lots of relatives doesn't sound like fun. Maybe it makes his wife too sad to be around your family, or just sad at the holidays in general, because her family is all dead. Maybe one of their kids routinely gets over-stimulated and they just want an enjoyable day. Maybe your husband creeps out your nieces, your brother is worried tension with your sister will prompt him to start drinking again, or they are secret atheists or democrats or whatever and aren't comfortable when your family starts in on the jesus talk or immigrant talk and don't want that to be part of their holiday.

My feeling with siblings is it's best to meet them where they are and enjoy whatever relationship you have without pushing expectations.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so holidays mean something…to you.

Holidays come with expectations…for you.

And your brother is his own person, who clearly doesn’t share that priority or expectations.

OK.

Would you rather he and his wife and kids never see you and your family, but show up randomly three or four days a year for holidays? Or might you feel grateful that you see them more regularly, have a good relationship, but do your own thing for holidays?

Why do some people act like holidays are such a must-do, performative thing? My brother and his partner sometimes join us for holidays, sometimes not. They didn’t want to join our Thanksgiving this year, but we have plans to see them the next weekend. OK!

[Anonymous]

He's not being rude. He's doing what works for his family.

[Anonymous]

He isn’t rude, of course.

But I would not like holidays with random people I don’t even know. I would prefer immediate family to that.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is my hero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not being rude. He's doing what works for his family.

+1

An invitation isn't a subpoena.

IF he was attending every single one of these, not helping, and never offering to host, you can at least make an argument that he's being rude as he's always mooching off everyone else's hard work. But that's not the case. He just values something else. Good for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is my hero.

+1
I wish I could tell my young self to stop going the more stressful route just to appease family expectations

[Anonymous]

Hey bro, we would love to have you holiday gathering, cousin time is the best. Is there a reason you won’t/can’t come?
My sister is like that, they decided that Christmas is for their nuclear family only. Kind of hurt but that’s their choice. Asked then answered. Do not expect them to host ever. How is your relationship with his wife?

[Anonymous]

Your brother is an adult. Work his own family. He doesn’t have to spend it w you or his parents.

His wife probably doesn’t like you all.

[Anonymous]

Who has *

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don’t like the way you celebrate. We don’t visit family at Christmas because they go way bigger than we are comfortable with and give gifts we don’t want our kids to get. Think 3+ hours of opening gifts with at least 50 gifts per person multiple of which are gun and gun related. We are happy they enjoy their celebrations but we don’t want to be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey bro, we would love to have you holiday gathering, cousin time is the best. Is there a reason you won’t/can’t come?
My sister is like that, they decided that Christmas is for their nuclear family only. Kind of hurt but that’s their choice. Asked then answered. Do not expect them to host ever. How is your relationship with his wife?

No. Ridiculous. Ignore this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they prefer to travel or be in a warmer climate. His wife may have had a terrible memory of the holidays and wants to spend this time just with her small family. Who knows. It's what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey bro, we would love to have you holiday gathering, cousin time is the best. Is there a reason you won’t/can’t come?
My sister is like that, they decided that Christmas is for their nuclear family only. Kind of hurt but that’s their choice. Asked then answered. Do not expect them to host ever. How is your relationship with his wife?

Haha, you know what, OP? Do it. Take this horrible advice, including the implied horrible advise of trying to sidle up to SIL and make this her problem.