Brother never spends holidays with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is my hero.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother did the same thing. When his wife's family died, to her, it wasn't fair that my parents were still living so she wouldn't allow holidays with us.

Yep, most likely it all comes from the wife

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's really figured out how to have healthy, strong relationships with all members of his family of origin, including helping his kids develop relationships with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, while also doing what makes sense for him and his family during holidays, even though it's not what everyone else does.

He and his wife should offer some kind of seminar to DCUM posters. Good for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His wife says she “gets overwhelmed by large gatherings”, citing her anxiety or whatever condition she has. Out of guilt he can’t join the larger celebration, she wins.

Maybe he's the one who doesn't like the big gatherings at holidays. My DH really doesn't like doing holidays with his family. We do one a year with them, partly at my encouragement and partly out of his sense of obligation and partly because we both want our kid to cultivate those memories with his family. But DH really struggles through them. I am neutral on them. I know it's hard for him and seeing him struggle is hard for me, but I don't have the issues he does with his family because I don't have that history with them, so I don't really have a hard time with them.

The fact that the brother makes an effort to spend time with his parents around the holiday, and still has a strong relationship with his sisters during non-holiday times, indicates to me that there is something about the *group* dynamic during holidays that either he doesn't like or his wife doesn't (or both). As others have said, it's possible the SIL just doesn't fit into the holiday vibe set by the women in the family, that's a common issue. But I personally think it's just as likely that the brother has some issue with the way his sisters and parents interact, or the way they interact with him as a unit, and he seeks to avoid it by doing holidays the way he does.

Whenever we visit DH's family, we never stay more than three days, and I know his whole family thinks it's me setting this limitation, but the honest truth is that it's him. When I suggest staying an extra day or heading up early, he gets very stressed and says his limit is three and then he has to get out of there. But it's easier for them to blame me so I accept my role as scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

It is kind of odd that they NEVER join in any holiday gatherings, given they live close by. If not traveling, seems they would come for a short time, at least here and there?But not necessarily a big problem.

I’m curious: you said that your brother takes your parents out for holiday meals, and that you get the kids together once a month. Does his wife attend most of these meals and play dates? Or just him?

The whole thing reads to me as the wife possibly not liking one or more family members (and trying to limit her time spent with them), yet being fine with her husband & kids seeing everyone. But on holidays wants to be with her husband and kids of course. So they don’t come. As a compromise of sorts. Also a restaurant meal is a lower time commitment (and more tolerable if you are seeing a relative you don’t like) than a holiday gathering that lasts most of the day.

Otherwise maybe it is something specific about the holiday gatherings. Religious or cultural issues would be my first guess. Or someone in the family has a drinking problem or similar, maybe? (Which may be an issue at holidays but probably not at a play date)

[Anonymous]

This is not a good thing to obsess about. If you have a good relationship with your brother, embrace that for what it is. Questioning whether or not he and his wife are treating holidays “appropriately” is a great way to create a toxic relationship when it doesn’t have to be that way.

I am constantly falling short of my sister’s expectations of what I “should” do. Honestly I like her less and less.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they just want to do their own low key thing on holidays, they aren't estranged from you, that's not to the only time you see them, so it's fine.

Not sure why this is a problem OP..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is kind of odd that they NEVER join in any holiday gatherings, given they live close by. If not traveling, seems they would come for a short time, at least here and there?But not necessarily a big problem.

I’m curious: you said that your brother takes your parents out for holiday meals, and that you get the kids together once a month. Does his wife attend most of these meals and play dates? Or just him?

The whole thing reads to me as the wife possibly not liking one or more family members (and trying to limit her time spent with them), yet being fine with her husband & kids seeing everyone. But on holidays wants to be with her husband and kids of course. So they don’t come. As a compromise of sorts. Also a restaurant meal is a lower time commitment (and more tolerable if you are seeing a relative you don’t like) than a holiday gathering that lasts most of the day.

Otherwise maybe it is something specific about the holiday gatherings. Religious or cultural issues would be my first guess. Or someone in the family has a drinking problem or similar, maybe? (Which may be an issue at holidays but probably not at a play date)

Yes SIL goes out to eat with my parents and she's at the cousin playdates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go like some of you have suggested. But I do have a good relationship with SIL. She's often the one at the cousin playdates without my brother. Sometimes it's nice to have it just the ladies (me, my sister and SIL)

Maybe you just ask her in-person. OR just say their family is always welcome and you'd love to see them. When my in laws come, I ask if there is a special tradition they want to include (meal, game, or whatever) and include it.

My in laws don't wrap presents for example. I hate that tradition, but when I went to their house - we agree to wrap at least half!.

Made me feel so much better about the holiday.

[Anonymous]

maybe it is hard for his wife's family. Holidays are hard. Holidays are hard when you have lost your parents and being around another family may not help that. Often there can also be this assumption that the in law family is filling the void - but you can't fill the void. Invite them, let them decline, and hope everyone finds joy in their holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother did the same thing. When his wife's family died, to her, it wasn't fair that my parents were still living so she wouldn't allow holidays with us.

Yep, most likely it all comes from the wife

Any son/brother who goes along with the doesn’t give a crap about his family. Face facts, harpies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His wife says she “gets overwhelmed by large gatherings”, citing her anxiety or whatever condition she has. Out of guilt he can’t join the larger celebration, she wins.

Maybe he's the one who doesn't like the big gatherings at holidays. My DH really doesn't like doing holidays with his family. We do one a year with them, partly at my encouragement and partly out of his sense of obligation and partly because we both want our kid to cultivate those memories with his family. But DH really struggles through them. I am neutral on them. I know it's hard for him and seeing him struggle is hard for me, but I don't have the issues he does with his family because I don't have that history with them, so I don't really have a hard time with them.

The fact that the brother makes an effort to spend time with his parents around the holiday, and still has a strong relationship with his sisters during non-holiday times, indicates to me that there is something about the *group* dynamic during holidays that either he doesn't like or his wife doesn't (or both). As others have said, it's possible the SIL just doesn't fit into the holiday vibe set by the women in the family, that's a common issue. But I personally think it's just as likely that the brother has some issue with the way his sisters and parents interact, or the way they interact with him as a unit, and he seeks to avoid it by doing holidays the way he does.

Whenever we visit DH's family, we never stay more than three days, and I know his whole family thinks it's me setting this limitation, but the honest truth is that it's him. When I suggest staying an extra day or heading up early, he gets very stressed and says his limit is three and then he has to get out of there. But it's easier for them to blame me so I accept my role as scapegoat.

See either way it’s stupid bc what that’s inadvertently saying is it’s ok if it’s bc of her brother’s mental health issues but if her SIL has the exact same mental health issues all of a sudden the reason isn’t valid anymore as if her mental health issues are less important than her brother’s? The double standards that exist on here never cease to amaze me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother did the same thing. When his wife's family died, to her, it wasn't fair that my parents were still living so she wouldn't allow holidays with us.

Yep, most likely it all comes from the wife

Any son/brother who goes along with the doesn’t give a crap about his family. Face facts, harpies.

His family is his wife she should be the priority over siblings and parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother did the same thing. When his wife's family died, to her, it wasn't fair that my parents were still living so she wouldn't allow holidays with us.

Wow, talk about biased

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But my brother always declines to host and attend these gatherings." It's his WIFE who is the real host, OP. You seem to not mention her, other than to say her parents have passed and it comes off a bit dismissive. They're gone, so. You and your sister need to include her. Pull her into the holiday planning. You're giving off an exclusion vibe. My sister and I. No. It should be my sister and I and our sister-in-law. Update your circle and you might begin to show some results.

Sexist much?