Brother never spends holidays with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's really figured out how to have healthy, strong relationships with all members of his family of origin, including helping his kids develop relationships with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, while also doing what makes sense for him and his family during holidays, even though it's not what everyone else does.

He and his wife should offer some kind of seminar to DCUM posters. Good for them!

This x100000
+ If you are someone who feels numerically and psychically outnumbered by your in-laws, you may want to stay far away at holidays and have intimate, nuclear family only. When I read the OP's post I am pretty sure I would feel that way in real life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to let it go like some of you have suggested. But I do have a good relationship with SIL. She's often the one at the cousin playdates without my brother. Sometimes it's nice to have it just the ladies (me, my sister and SIL)

Maybe you just ask her in-person. OR just say their family is always welcome and you'd love to see them. When my in laws come, I ask if there is a special tradition they want to include (meal, game, or whatever) and include it.

My in laws don't wrap presents for example. I hate that tradition, but when I went to their house - we agree to wrap at least half!.

Made me feel so much better about the holiday.

OP, tread lightly here. Chances are they are avoiding a pressurized family dynamic as it is, this isn't going to help most likely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents, adult brother, adult sister and me all live within an hour of each other. My sister and I take turns hosting Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for all of our families. This year I'm dong Thanksgiving and my sister is doing Christmas. Everyone is invited: my parents, siblings, kids, holiday guests and strays etc.

But my brother always declines to host and attend these gatherings. His family just does their own small thing or they go out of town. His wife's family has passed away so it's not like they're spending time with them. This has been going on for years. He does take our parents out for holiday meals at restaurants and sometimes invites my family. Is he being rude by not hosting everyone and/or coming to our holiday get togethers?

I should also add there's seemingly no estrangement. Because he does see my parents separately. And my kids, his kids and our sister's kids all hang out and do playdates so we see each other about once a month. Just not on holidays. What's up with that.

I fail to see the problem, other than you want it your way

[Anonymous]

I had 3 siblings. We all lived within 45 minutes of our parents. We all celebrated Christmas with our own spouse and kids. On the Saturday after Christmas, we did a group gathering at either the parent's or my house.

In the earlier years, we did presents for the nieces and nephews. After a bit, we had each person bring a $10 (then $20) gift and played dirty Santa.

But it was nice having Christmas Day with just your own family, or if you wished, joining with the spouse's family.

Part of this situation may be that the brother or SIL doesn't want to get into a major gift exchange with every niece and nephew.

Try suggesting a food only get together sometime between Christmas and New Years for just food, fun and games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He isn’t rude, of course.

But I would not like holidays with random people I don’t even know. I would prefer immediate family to that.

I agree. When my kids were young we would just do the four of us and wouldn’t travel for Christmas. One year my neighbor insisted we join them- so I brought the tenderloin over and joined their group of strays- i sound ungrateful but so wished we had said no. It was so odd to spend Christmas Day with some strange strangers…. (It would have been fine if it had just been my neighbors…)