Reply to How would you handle a family member incapable of understanding that your feelings differ from theirs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP has said "boundaries" about 20x in this thread.  There is no infraction of "boundaries" here, OP just doesn't like this person and wants an excuse to respond to their outreach with rudeness.  [/quote]

Yes, the OP doesn't quite understand boundaries. Boundaries aren't about making other people abide by your rules. Boundaries are about YOUR RESPONSE to other's behavior (walking away, ending a conversation, hanging up the phone, etc). Thinking other people need to follow your rules will set you up to be constantly irritated.

You can't control other people's behaviors. You can only control your own actions.

Therapy 101.

This, as well as performing basic manners and politeness (saying thank you to gifts!) even when you don't understand the reasoning behind them will make your path through life so much smoother. [/quote]

I agree boundaries are about what you will do, but that seems a bit beside the point when OP has asked not to be reminded of the death. Why is she then being criticized for not saying thank you but the relative is excused for doing something OP asked her not to do?

Even if OP is managing grief poorly, why can't she be left alone to do that as requested? Why do people feel the need to save people from themselves? This is a thing I will never understand.[/quote]

Also she did walk away from the unwanted party and is being criticized for that. Is it only okay if she'd specified in advance "if you throw a surprise party, I'll leave?" Being told to pretend you want something you've said you don't want feels like Ignoring Feelings 101, which doesn't seem good either.[/quote]

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