How to handle suspicion of secret meetings with an older boy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

NP, but probably for the same reasons you wouldn’t encourage your 13yo dating a 15yo (he’s a high schooler) or your 17yo dating a 19yo (he’s an adult).

+1, a MS kid dating a HS kid is a no. Two HS kids who are a grade apart is not a big deal, neither is a 17 year old dating a 19 year old.

But they're both in HS. If she were in middle school and he were in HS then yes, I'd be less than thrilled. But this is totally fine to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

Hmmmm. This is not my observation at all. If anything it is the opposite.

You're under 16?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

[Anonymous]

For me, 14 is too young to date, but 14 year olds can certainly have a crush. I would want to find out what's going on in the cafe. A bunch of kids would be appropriate vs 1 on 1 in a back corner. Can you stop by one afternoon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

Did you not date at this age, OP? She's going to get hurt, whether now, at 17, at 21, or at 30. That you can't control, and trying to do so is going to drive you crazy.

I have two middle school daughters, so I get it, but your best bet is to acknowledge to yourself that you are fine with her hanging out with him at this public place, so why are you making a big deal out of it right now? If her friend is also there then she isn't lying.

I'm not an advocate of being your kids' "friend" instead of parent, but it sounds like your daughter is likely to lie to you down the road if you keep approaching things like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

He is not yet able to drive or work most jobs.

Also, to be honest, the difference in maturity between a freshman girl and a sophomore boy is small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

I'm not normally here to protect boys, but you are being hyperbolic. Right now, he is 15 and OP's daughter is 14. They are in adjoining grades and have similar interests. He's turning 16 over the course of junior year, as one does (not redshirted), but he is absolutely not in a totally different place than her. They are in the same place - High School!

OP is trying way too hard to control this situation, and it will absolutely backfire. If he's a nice kid, I'd absolutely let this play its course particularly if the big scandal is a coffee at Starbucks.

[Anonymous]

As a parent of a kid who dated relatively young, I am curious about the logic of not having him at your house. Our rule was the opposite, the kids could go to either house if the parents were home (yes we coordinated) and they stayed in the public areas. It let us adults keep an eye out for problems and know what was going on.

For the first two years the kids basically did the same things that they would do with friends. They played a lot of basketball in the driveway and video games in the living room. They whined to each other about younger siblings. They tried baking together a few times. They did homework together. That seems way healthier to me than sneaking out to meet somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out age of consent and statutory rape laws in your state. Tell her. Especially if he will go to jail ho ho ho.

They’re meeting at a cafe after school. When would they be having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

There is very little difference maturity wise between a freshman girl and a sophomore boy. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

He’s a 15 yo high school sophomore. If they are dating (still unknown!), he is dating someone his own age, since she’s a 14 yo high school freshman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

He is interested in someone his own age. He is interested in a high school girl in the adjacent grade. That is completely age appropriate and does not indicate that he cannot "pull someone his own age." He's about to turn 16. It's likely that this is also his first relationship and that he's far from the monster being described. Do you people have sons? Good grief. Way to set your daughter up to believe that men are inherently dangerous and untrustworthy. It's not that I totally disagree with that perspective, but give a 16yo kid slightly more time than zero to NOT be a monster.

Also, a LOT of other unnecessary and possibly damaging mixed messages are happening here. OP asked them to not date officially, but allowed them to present as a couple at school - this is a recipe for disaster and sneaking around. That's the primary place where all of their socializing happens, even if it also extends into extracurricular activities. If you are allowing them to be a couple there, they are a couple everywhere that matters to them. Either you're allowing the relationship or you're not. "My mom says I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend" is an acceptable answer if you think you can enforce that rule, but the reality of having teenagers is that your enforcement ability is actually pretty low. If you've done things right so far, your kids will have good communication skills and will come to you with problems.

You can't ever prevent your kid from having feelings, though. Not when they're 4 or 14 or 24 or 44. No matter how much you might want to or they might want you to. Doesn't work that way.