Reply to How to handle suspicion of secret meetings with an older boy?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS[/b]. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't. [/quote]

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No. [/quote]
Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?[/quote]
OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence. [/quote]
But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age. [/quote]

He is interested in someone his own age. He is interested in a high school girl in the adjacent grade. That is completely age appropriate and does not indicate that he cannot "pull someone his own age." He's about to turn 16. It's likely that this is also his first relationship and that he's far from the monster being described. Do you people have sons? Good grief. Way to set your daughter up to believe that men are inherently dangerous and untrustworthy. It's not that I totally disagree with that perspective, but give a 16yo kid slightly more time than zero to NOT be a monster.

Also, a LOT of other unnecessary and possibly damaging mixed messages are happening here. OP asked them to not date officially, but allowed them to present as a couple at school - this is a recipe for disaster and sneaking around. That's the primary place where all of their socializing happens, even if it also extends into extracurricular activities. If you are allowing them to be a couple there, they are a couple everywhere that matters to them. Either you're allowing the relationship or you're not. "My mom says I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend" is an acceptable answer if you think you can enforce that rule, but the reality of having teenagers is that your enforcement ability is actually pretty low. If you've done things right so far, your kids will have good communication skills and will come to you with problems.

You can't ever prevent your kid from having feelings, though. Not when they're 4 or 14 or 24 or 44. No matter how much you might want to or they might want you to. Doesn't work that way.[/quote]

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