How to handle suspicion of secret meetings with an older boy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

There is very little difference maturity wise between a freshman girl and a sophomore boy. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

A 14 year old girl isn't getting constant boners and thinking about sex/viewing porn like teenage boys do. Stop using the old "fast girls" trope to justify your denial of reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

There is very little difference maturity wise between a freshman girl and a sophomore boy. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

A 14 year old girl isn't getting constant boners and thinking about sex/viewing porn like teenage boys do. Stop using the old "fast girls" trope to justify your denial of reality.

This is such a weird reaction. It's just science that girls are more mature than boys at this age, and we're not talking about sex. We're talking about sense of humor, hygiene, executive function, etc. Your average 14 year-old girl is absolutely as mature (or more so) along those axes as your average 15 year-old boy and it is not surprising that they might have things in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

There is very little difference maturity wise between a freshman girl and a sophomore boy. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

A 14 year old girl isn't getting constant boners and thinking about sex/viewing porn like teenage boys do. Stop using the old "fast girls" trope to justify your denial of reality.

This is such a weird reaction. It's just science that girls are more mature than boys at this age, and we're not talking about sex. We're talking about sense of humor, hygiene, executive function, etc. Your average 14 year-old girl is absolutely as mature (or more so) along those axes as your average 15 year-old boy and it is not surprising that they might have things in common.

True. But what she’s saying is also true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

Girls hit puberty sooner. She could easily be the one pushing things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

There is very little difference maturity wise between a freshman girl and a sophomore boy. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

A 14 year old girl isn't getting constant boners and thinking about sex/viewing porn like teenage boys do. Stop using the old "fast girls" trope to justify your denial of reality.

This is such a weird reaction. It's just science that girls are more mature than boys at this age, and we're not talking about sex. We're talking about sense of humor, hygiene, executive function, etc. Your average 14 year-old girl is absolutely as mature (or more so) along those axes as your average 15 year-old boy and it is not surprising that they might have things in common.

Yes, but the hormonal differences between a 14 year old girl and a 16 year old boy make dating a bad idea. He'll be ready and wanting a lot of physicality while she is drawing hearts on her notebook.

[Anonymous]

OP
Lying would bother me as well.

There is nothing stopping them when they meet up at a coffee shop or football game etc from having sex or making out etc.. Make sure she is on BC. Once he has a car, this is even more important.

Not all 16-year-old boys are clueless.

Nor are all 14-year-old girls.

Personally, I have no problem with the age difference. And yes, your kid will get hurt at some point; it's part of life.

I'd be way more worried about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

Girls hit puberty sooner. She could easily be the one pushing things.

Nope. A 14 year old girl who is sexually active is either acting out due to earlier sexual abuse or is being abused currently. There are no "fast" girls, just girls who've been sexualized at an early age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

Girls hit puberty sooner. She could easily be the one pushing things.

Nope. A 14 year old girl who is sexually active is either acting out due to earlier sexual abuse or is being abused currently. There are no "fast" girls, just girls who've been sexualized at an early age.

This is a crazy belief that has no basis in reality.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you have current teens because some of these responses are so out of whack. The idea that a sophomore boy can’t be interested in a freshman girl or vice versa without it morphing into a soap opera worthy saga is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Where is her father?
You two need to have a straight up convo on what you know.

Stop w the games and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

I think you are weirdly hung up on their ages. She is a freshman and he is a sophomore and they're hanging out at a cafe after school and his sister/her friend is also there. This is no big deal. You need to loosen up a little bit.

[Anonymous]

I thought this boy was going to be in college. WTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

I disagree. Are junior boys normally dating freshman? No.

Agree. He can't engage a girl his own age?

OP has already said this is her freshman DD taking to a sophomore boy. This is a not infrequent occurrence.

But why isn’t he interested in someone his own age? He’s in a completely different place in life than her. He can drive, make money working a real job. (I know 14yo can work, but you know what I mean. Good luck finding someone to hire them.) The age difference isn’t big on paper, but it’s astronomical in terms of maturity. It’s interesting and worth noting that he can’t pull someone his own age.

This is absurd. Last fall, my junior son was in an AP class with a sophomore girl. He thought she was cute. They started talking. They just went to their second homecoming together. I promise you my son is not that mature The high school kids I know have a saying "if your grades touch...". It is not at all weird.

I understand OP wanting some parameters on what is allowed and her child being honest. Focus there.

I skipped a grade very early and turned 14 mid freshman year. My parents always knew I would be young in HS, but having grown up in that cohort with appropriate experiences, average maturity is probably there. I lucked out a little bit, my oldest was a freshman during Covid which bought us a little time, but she was into dating and I can say most of these relationships come and go, and they learn a few lessons along the way.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many of the parents on here acting like the loonies in Footlose?

It is perfectly normal to date boys who are a year ahead of you in school.

Please stop acting insane.