How to handle suspicion of secret meetings with an older boy?

[Anonymous]

I’m a parent of a 14-year-old daughter (freshman, August birthday), and I’ve recently become suspicious that she might be meeting a boy she’s interested in at a local café after school. She says she’s going with a friend, and she does go there 1–2 times a week. I’ve seen her phone at the café and noticed she sometimes orders food through Apple Pay, so I know she’s actually there.

The boy in question is nearly two years older than her (he’s a redshirted sophomore) and is the older brother of one of her sports teammates. She met him through that connection. We’ve made it very clear that he is too old for her and that she isn’t allowed to “date” him, but we also told her we understand they may consider each other “boyfriend and girlfriend” at school. I know they run into each other at sports games and Homecoming, and I realize I can’t control what happens in public.

What makes me uneasy is that something I heard from one of her friends suggesting she might be covering for meeting him. She denied it and was upset that I even suspected her. I want to trust her, but I also know the teenage “game,” and I don’t know what to believe. I don’t mind if she interacts with him in a friendly, public capacity, but he’s too old for her to date, and I worry that if they get close now, it could lead nowhere good. My bigger concern is honesty, I won’t tolerate lying.

This is my first time navigating this kind of situation, and I’m unsure how to proceed. How do I talk to her about my concerns without driving a wedge or making her shut down? How do I enforce our rules about age and dating while still allowing her some social freedom?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[Anonymous]

As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough one. I'd be more upset and the lying than the meeting up, but it's hard to know the best way to convey that without triggering more denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a tough one. I'd be more upset and the lying than the meeting up, but it's hard to know the best way to convey that without triggering more denial.

OP here, to be clear, I’m not certain she’s lying exactly. She might just be lying by omission—her friend does go with her, but he’s there, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

Listen to that little voice and trust yourself. It is great that you notice and care about what she is up to. 2 years doesn't seem like much, but he will definitely push for sexual interactions. She is too young for that. Keep talking with her and select your battles carefully. I would insist that all dates or whatever they call it include other teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

Listen to that little voice and trust yourself. It is great that you notice and care about what she is up to. 2 years doesn't seem like much, but he will definitely push for sexual interactions. She is too young for that. Keep talking with her and select your battles carefully. I would insist that all dates or whatever they call it include other teens.

I have a 16 year old son and most of them are pretty clueless still. I think for most boys there is a big leap from hanging at Starbucks after school to he's pressuring her for sex. OP, I wouldn't give them alone time that you know about but the group activities and after school time? Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

You don't have to encourage it or invite the kid on your family vacation but you are not in control of who she has a crush on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

Listen to that little voice and trust yourself. It is great that you notice and care about what she is up to. 2 years doesn't seem like much, but he will definitely push for sexual interactions. She is too young for that. Keep talking with her and select your battles carefully. I would insist that all dates or whatever they call it include other teens.

I have a 16 year old son and most of them are pretty clueless still. I think for most boys there is a big leap from hanging at Starbucks after school to he's pressuring her for sex. OP, I wouldn't give them alone time that you know about but the group activities and after school time? Let it go.

Thank you! Most of my friends began dabbling in sexual things around his age, so while my mind is stuck in the past, I’m also not dumb to the fact that boys at this age have urges and that girls feel cool having older boyfriends. BTDT. Thanks for your advice!

[Anonymous]

She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

Agree! I’m just trying to find that fine line. This is my first time navigating this and I want to come into it with insight. That’s why I’m here! I’m listening to everything everyone has to say.

You don't have to encourage it or invite the kid on your family vacation but you are not in control of who she has a crush on.