How to handle suspicion of secret meetings with an older boy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

So as a fact check, a child turning 16 on October 31 is not a redshirted sophomore unless you live in NY state or something and are not in the DMV?

My son is about to turn 16 and should be a sophomore.

I think it's kind of weird you're so obsessed with his actual age. That's not how kids work. He's a year older than her in school. They're in the grades they should be. They like each other in high school. They want to hang out at the coffee place. This is all normal stuff. High school there is a lot more social interaction between grades. Keep an eye on alone time at houses and fine, don't encourage that. But the rest of this, you are being super controlling and it will backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

NP, but probably for the same reasons you wouldn’t encourage your 13yo dating a 15yo (he’s a high schooler) or your 17yo dating a 19yo (he’s an adult).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

NP, but probably for the same reasons you wouldn’t encourage your 13yo dating a 15yo (he’s a high schooler) or your 17yo dating a 19yo (he’s an adult).

Just FYI most people would be fine with a 17 yo dating a 19 yo. There are kids in college this age spread.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let her go there. Keep her busy after school, every day. If she absolutely must go, you go too. He will give up and find another easier target

[Anonymous]

If your daughter wants to meet up with him she will find a way. Why not invite him over and find out who he is?

[Anonymous]

I’d let it go. You’ve made it clear she is too young to officially date, therefore you don’t need to make any effort to get them together or invite him over. If she meets him at Starbucks, let it go. So what. I’d consider this a minor white lie. Obv no sleepovers at his house claiming she wants to hang out with the sister..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

Hmmmm. This is not my observation at all. If anything it is the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 14 and he's 16? Why is he too old? That's a perfectly respectable age difference in HS. You can't control this - either insist she come straight home after school and can't go anywhere without you or another trusted adult of your choosing or don't.

NP, but probably for the same reasons you wouldn’t encourage your 13yo dating a 15yo (he’s a high schooler) or your 17yo dating a 19yo (he’s an adult).

But they're both in HS. If she were in middle school and he were in HS then yes, I'd be less than thrilled. But this is totally fine to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

Listen to that little voice and trust yourself. It is great that you notice and care about what she is up to. 2 years doesn't seem like much, but he will definitely push for sexual interactions. She is too young for that. Keep talking with her and select your battles carefully. I would insist that all dates or whatever they call it include other teens.

I have a 16 year old son and most of them are pretty clueless still. I think for most boys there is a big leap from hanging at Starbucks after school to he's pressuring her for sex. OP, I wouldn't give them alone time that you know about but the group activities and after school time? Let it go.

+1000

You are giving this boy too much credit/power/concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

You’re really borrowing trouble here. You have six months until he can even think about taking the drivers test and another six before he can drive with kids other than siblings in the car.

I was in your shoes three years ago. I handled it by allowing it but keeping tight reins on it. I required that I know if he was going to be around and my DD would text if he unexpectedly showed up. We openly talked about sex and I made it clear that I would take her to the doctor for birth control if she asked because I know what I can’t control and I don’t want to be raising grandchildren. We included him into family activities so that we could get to know him. (It’s not unusual for us to have other kids tag along with us).

[Anonymous]

You have to try to get to know him. You said he’s the brother of one of her teammates? What is the teammate like? Try to find out more about the guy, is he a good student, involved in activities, etc.? There is not much difference between a freshman and a sophomore, even if the age difference is closer to 2 years. I don’t think that’s something you need to be concerned about, it’s not as though she’s 14 dating a college freshman or sophomore. So I don’t know why you’re so fixated on that. But you really should try to meet the guy and maybe that will stop the sneaking around.

[Anonymous]

How is she getting home from the cafe? I agree with the others, if you come down too hard on this you’ll just push her into his arms and turn what might be harmless cafe meetups into a dramatic Romeo and Juliet scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to let go. he’s 15, not 20. Daytime dates with a 14 and 15 year old seem pretty innocuous. What are you so panicked about?

OP here, he turns 16 on Friday, actually.

I’m worried about his access to a car, and how he’s older in general. I think if we all look back, we matured quite a bit between 14 (which my DD just turned) and 16 (which he will be in 48 hours.) It’s just not something we are comfortable encouraging, especially as a first crush/interest.

You’re really borrowing trouble here. You have six months until he can even think about taking the drivers test and another six before he can drive with kids other than siblings in the car.

I was in your shoes three years ago. I handled it by allowing it but keeping tight reins on it. I required that I know if he was going to be around and my DD would text if he unexpectedly showed up. We openly talked about sex and I made it clear that I would take her to the doctor for birth control if she asked because I know what I can’t control and I don’t want to be raising grandchildren. We included him into family activities so that we could get to know him. (It’s not unusual for us to have other kids tag along with us).

Not sure where OP is but in VA it is 16 and 3 months for license and I am pretty sure you can immediately drive with one (and only one) non-family member in the car.

[Anonymous]

Check out age of consent and statutory rape laws in your state. Tell her. Especially if he will go to jail ho ho ho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you're seeing you can't really enforce your rules about her dating an older boy. I also don't think this age difference as you've described is that big of a deal.

Focus on what you can control. She can't be at his house or have him over or drive with him in his car. Those are things you should be able to control. Other than that, let it go and know that it will pass.

I’m learning! Those are definitely the hard and fast rules. I don’t so much care if they meet up, but she needs to know it can’t lead anywhere today.

The age difference isn’t extreme, I admit that, but he’s a little more advanced and mature than she or her friends are. This is her first “boyfriend” and I don’t want her getting hurt.

I don't know OP. Let her live. That means getting hurt sometimes. Why focus on the negative of this. This could be you hearing fun stories from your daughter or you can turn into the police she hides things from.

You've forgotten how aggressive teen boys are with girls, especially younger ones.

Hmmmm. This is not my observation at all. If anything it is the opposite.

We were shocked, genuinely surprised, with our DS as to how it was.