My teen is unmotivated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH the world feels like it's on fire. An entire generation has woken up to the reality that they will be wage slaves for life and may never own a home. It is actually hard to understand how any young person could feel motivated right now...

Yes, but they haven't really started working hard yet. Are they working 10-12 hours shifts 5 days a week like we did? Hard work t would push them think outside the box and solutions.

[Anonymous]

My parents rule was that I received an allowance as long as I was playing a sport at school or participating in some type of extra curricular activity that prevented me from working. If that wasn't happening, I got no allowance and needed to get a job if I wanted money. I worked during the summer and the semester I wasn't playing a sport as a senior.

I needed to do my homework and schoolwork and make my best effort. If I had poor grades and there was signs that I was not doing what was expected of me, then I was grounded and special activities were cancelled. If that continued throughout the year, I didn't get to go to camp. When I was old enough to drive, the car was used as a consequence.

DS has friends who don't do much, they are in MS. Their parents make them choose one activity to participate in each semester. The kid is happy enough once they are at the activity and participating but complain the entire time about getting ready and going. Good kids, we like them a lot, but not motivated to do much. They do fine in school and are well behaved kids but would be happy enough just hanging out at home.

You say your kid likes to travel, shop, and use tik toc. Cut off the money for shopping and don't plan any special travel for her unless she is doing something outside of school. The phone can go away when she is at home.

[wendybook]

She could be depressed, OP. It's a tough world out there and getting tougher. I wouldn't push the AP classes or sports if she's not interested. Time in nature and perhaps a low-impact creative hobby (chorus? Crafts?) will get her through. Been there, survived that, but it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the screens.

The tech bros who invented addictive social media do not even let their own kids use it...Think about that for a minute.

[Anonymous]

Could I suggest that she has a fear of failure? What you are describing generally sounds like my kids until we began to really talk about why they aren't doing stuff. ( It absolutely was the fear of peer rejection for clubs, not making the team for sports, not getting an A or being the smartest in a class.

I see this in my college students in class all the time. They won't start a paper/project because they are in control. Rather than submitting something that could possibly be critiqued as "less than."

Things you say she is interested in (which means she is likely not depressed) are things that are generally not related to success or failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the screens.

The tech bros who invented addictive social media do not even let their own kids use it...Think about that for a minute.

Government agencies were behind most of it. How do you not know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the screens.

The tech bros who invented addictive social media do not even let their own kids use it...Think about that for a minute.

Government agencies were behind most of it. How do you not know that?

+1. It’s why the ones who know don’t pay taxes. We aren’t funding those monsters.

[Anonymous]

She’s 16 and you only just now put limits on her screentime? You only just now noticed she doesn’t like sports or activities? You weren’t worried sooner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PPs that you need to help her get a job. I disagree with PPs that this needs to be done because she's "spoiled" but more because you want her to do things, engage with the real world, and so far extracurriculars and AP classes are not those things.

1) I'd explain to her, "you are 16 yo and you need to be working. We are reducing your allowance [or eliminating it OR better still matching the funds you make from job up to X$] because we want you to get a paid job. what things do you think you'd be good at?"

2) brainstorm a list with her and get her to put them into a priority. Likely scenarios:
pet sitting
retail (seems likely given interests listed so far)
baby sitting
mothers assistant

3) Define next steps in the priority area and then give her a deadline to get the steps done. e.g. go to mall and apply for 5 jobs by Monday 9/1. Walk her through how to do the step, e.g. let's practice. you are in the store and you go to the counter and you ask to speak to the manager. Let's try it right now.

IF she does not engage with this, meaning TRY, I would cut off her allowance. I'd explain to her that "you need to be working. Mom and Dad cannot keep paying you if you are not working (or trying to work)." I don't think any of this needs to be -- or should be -- done in a mean way. You are transitioning her to a new way of interacting with the world. It's a good thing, not a punishment, not a reflection of anger or frustration. You want to keep it positive. This is about maturing, more independence, and growth.

Op here. This is helpful, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

Op here. Exactly. It also allows me to track her and know where she’s at or if she’s on a bus to know how long it will take her to get home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could I suggest that she has a fear of failure? What you are describing generally sounds like my kids until we began to really talk about why they aren't doing stuff. ( It absolutely was the fear of peer rejection for clubs, not making the team for sports, not getting an A or being the smartest in a class.

I see this in my college students in class all the time. They won't start a paper/project because they are in control. Rather than submitting something that could possibly be critiqued as "less than."

Could definitely be part of it as her therapist told us she had mild social anxiety.

Things you say she is interested in (which means she is likely not depressed) are things that are generally not related to success or failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could I suggest that she has a fear of failure? What you are describing generally sounds like my kids until we began to really talk about why they aren't doing stuff. ( It absolutely was the fear of peer rejection for clubs, not making the team for sports, not getting an A or being the smartest in a class.

I see this in my college students in class all the time. They won't start a paper/project because they are in control. Rather than submitting something that could possibly be critiqued as "less than."

Things you say she is interested in (which means she is likely not depressed) are things that are generally not related to success or failure.

Could definitely be part of it as her therapist told us she had mild social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 16 and you only just now put limits on her screentime? You only just now noticed she doesn’t like sports or activities? You weren’t worried sooner?

Screentimes were off during the summer. I just put it back on. The lack of interest has been in the past 2+years

[Anonymous]

wendybook wrote:She could be depressed, OP. It's a tough world out there and getting tougher. I wouldn't push the AP classes or sports if she's not interested. Time in nature and perhaps a low-impact creative hobby (chorus? Crafts?) will get her through. Been there, survived that, but it's sad.

Therapist said she was not depressed. We go for walks, hikes, she doesn’t want to participate, will complain the whole time n stay silent when we force her to go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents rule was that I received an allowance as long as I was playing a sport at school or participating in some type of extra curricular activity that prevented me from working. If that wasn't happening, I got no allowance and needed to get a job if I wanted money. I worked during the summer and the semester I wasn't playing a sport as a senior.

I needed to do my homework and schoolwork and make my best effort. If I had poor grades and there was signs that I was not doing what was expected of me, then I was grounded and special activities were cancelled. If that continued throughout the year, I didn't get to go to camp. When I was old enough to drive, the car was used as a consequence.

DS has friends who don't do much, they are in MS. Their parents make them choose one activity to participate in each semester. The kid is happy enough once they are at the activity and participating but complain the entire time about getting ready and going. Good kids, we like them a lot, but not motivated to do much. They do fine in school and are well behaved kids but would be happy enough just hanging out at home.

You say your kid likes to travel, shop, and use tik toc. Cut off the money for shopping and don't plan any special travel for her unless she is doing something outside of school. The phone can go away when she is at home.

Will try some of these tactics, especially getting a job