My teen is unmotivated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dd will be turning 16 in a month, she’s in 11th grade. She doesn’t want to do any extracurricular, doesnt want to take any AP classes, doesn’t want to join any orgs. If we ask her why, answer is : i dont want to. She doesn’t want to play any sports either but complains she wants to lose weight. We trued therapy and multiple tests , all came back normal. How do you motivate a teen to be more engaged or interested in things? If you ask her what she’s interested in: nothing. All she wants to do is: travel, shopping, tiktok. I put screentime on her phone recently to limit her time online.

We canceled a trip a few months ago because of her school performance. She has a lot of $$ in her savings from money gifted to her by family throughout the years that she has access to even if i dont give her money.

And who is funding those ? Stop paying for travel and shopping if she doesn’t get her act together!
She can also get a job and pay for all this but you definitely should stop giving her what she wants if she’s not performing at the level she should be , both academically and in her extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Tiktok really changed a lot of my kids' friends. Is her that off the phone stat.

[Anonymous]

Your teen is not unmotivated, your teen is spoiled, lazy, and addicted to her phone.

[Anonymous]

Shopping and travel are expensive hobbies. She can find a way to fund these excursions herself.

[Anonymous]

Not wanting to take AP classes or play sports is pretty common. If she likes shopping maybe she can look for a retail job.

A lot of people, ahem…me, have habits of eating while just sitting there watching TV or online. The more she’s out doing things the less she she’ll be immobile and possibly overeating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dd will be turning 16 in a month, she’s in 11th grade. She doesn’t want to do any extracurricular, doesnt want to take any AP classes, doesn’t want to join any orgs. If we ask her why, answer is : i dont want to. She doesn’t want to play any sports either but complains she wants to lose weight. We trued therapy and multiple tests , all came back normal. How do you motivate a teen to be more engaged or interested in things? If you ask her what she’s interested in: nothing. All she wants to do is: travel, shopping, tiktok. I put screentime on her phone recently to limit her time online.

Oh boy, that's a tough one. She should marry right out of the gate and pray she can keep it together without becoming divorced.

[Anonymous]

Everything you describe, she sounds immature. Being the youngest in her grade definitely isn’t helping.

Was she one of those girls who played with Barbies into middle school? Did she discover this interest in TT and shopping/clothes recently ?

If she’s immature she’s mentally still in middle school. She will grow out of that. It’s probably best she not do AP bc she’s simply not capable probably of advanced work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

This is so dumb as far as reasoning bc every other kid has their phone. There is no lacking of phones to use in a real emergency

[Anonymous]

Cut off the $ and have her get a job.

[Anonymous]

TBH the world feels like it's on fire. An entire generation has woken up to the reality that they will be wage slaves for life and may never own a home. It is actually hard to understand how any young person could feel motivated right now...

[Anonymous]

Does she have friends? If so, does she socialize with them in person.
I didn't take any AP classes in high school either, and still wound up going to a good college and becoming an attorney.


Yea she has friends, they hang out, do sleepovers, go out to eat or coffee shop etc

In light of that, I'd tell her she needs to get a part time job or babysit to help fund her activities with her friends. You can't force her to have interests, or take AP classes, but it is still not good for her to be on her phone all the time and doing nothing constructive.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that you need to help her get a job. I disagree with PPs that this needs to be done because she's "spoiled" but more because you want her to do things, engage with the real world, and so far extracurriculars and AP classes are not those things.

1) I'd explain to her, "you are 16 yo and you need to be working. We are reducing your allowance [or eliminating it OR better still matching the funds you make from job up to X$] because we want you to get a paid job. what things do you think you'd be good at?"

2) brainstorm a list with her and get her to put them into a priority. Likely scenarios:
pet sitting
retail (seems likely given interests listed so far)
baby sitting
mothers assistant

3) Define next steps in the priority area and then give her a deadline to get the steps done. e.g. go to mall and apply for 5 jobs by Monday 9/1. Walk her through how to do the step, e.g. let's practice. you are in the store and you go to the counter and you ask to speak to the manager. Let's try it right now.

IF she does not engage with this, meaning TRY, I would cut off her allowance. I'd explain to her that "you need to be working. Mom and Dad cannot keep paying you if you are not working (or trying to work)." I don't think any of this needs to be -- or should be -- done in a mean way. You are transitioning her to a new way of interacting with the world. It's a good thing, not a punishment, not a reflection of anger or frustration. You want to keep it positive. This is about maturing, more independence, and growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the screens.

We have screentime on. She still needs her phone to be able to communicate with us for safety reasons while she’s in school, on the bus etc

That’s the only reason? Not necessary.

Having a phone is a crutch- no friends, no social life but still feels she has something

[Anonymous]

She is just doing things that are exiting. She has a good life now, but will have a wake up call in few years.
Why does she need to lose weight? She has had no reason to eat crap and not move enough as a young person.