My teen is unmotivated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything you describe, she sounds immature. Being the youngest in her grade definitely isn’t helping.

Was she one of those girls who played with Barbies into middle school? Did she discover this interest in TT and shopping/clothes recently ?

If she’s immature she’s mentally still in middle school. She will grow out of that. It’s probably best she not do AP bc she’s simply not capable probably of advanced work

No she is actually pretty mature for her age, used to be responsible/accountable more so than anyone her age. Shes never been into barbies, is more of a tomboy and been on tiktok for years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have friends? If so, does she socialize with them in person.
I didn't take any AP classes in high school either, and still wound up going to a good college and becoming an attorney.[/quote]

I’m a parent of a 12th grader. Those days are over - the of ones of no APs and bad grades and then going to your local state school (at least around here).

Sure, she’ll get into a college. But her choices will be limited. OP, I would start insisting on her doing SOMETHING. Don’t want to do a sport or club activity? Okay you need to volunteer or get a job. (Two things colleges like). Maybe she’ll find her passion. It’s okay if she’s not academic or a grinder. It’s not okay if she’s lazy and chronically online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could I suggest that she has a fear of failure? What you are describing generally sounds like my kids until we began to really talk about why they aren't doing stuff. ( It absolutely was the fear of peer rejection for clubs, not making the team for sports, not getting an A or being the smartest in a class.

I see this in my college students in class all the time. They won't start a paper/project because they are in control. Rather than submitting something that could possibly be critiqued as "less than."

Things you say she is interested in (which means she is likely not depressed) are things that are generally not related to success or failure.

Op again. This is a great insight. How do you counter it? How do you build that confidence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have friends? If so, does she socialize with them in person.
I didn't take any AP classes in high school either, and still wound up going to a good college and becoming an attorney.[/quote]

I’m a parent of a 12th grader. Those days are over - the of ones of no APs and bad grades and then going to your local state school (at least around here).

Sure, she’ll get into a college. But her choices will be limited. OP, I would start insisting on her doing SOMETHING. Don’t want to do a sport or club activity? Okay you need to volunteer or get a job. (Two things colleges like). Maybe she’ll find her passion. It’s okay if she’s not academic or a grinder. It’s not okay if she’s lazy and chronically online.

Agree. We will focus on job n volunteering opportunities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dd will be turning 16 in a month, she’s in 11th grade. She doesn’t want to do any extracurricular, doesnt want to take any AP classes, doesn’t want to join any orgs. If we ask her why, answer is : i dont want to. She doesn’t want to play any sports either but complains she wants to lose weight. We trued therapy and multiple tests , all came back normal. How do you motivate a teen to be more engaged or interested in things? If you ask her what she’s interested in: nothing. All she wants to do is: travel, shopping, tiktok. I put screentime on her phone recently to limit her time online.

We canceled a trip a few months ago because of her school performance. She has a lot of $$ in her savings from money gifted to her by family throughout the years that she has access to even if i dont give her money.

And who is funding those ? Stop paying for travel and shopping if she doesn’t get her act together!
She can also get a job and pay for all this but you definitely should stop giving her what she wants if she’s not performing at the level she should be , both academically and in her extracurriculars.

And why does she have access to money in her savings account?

[Anonymous]

I second the people who recommend a job. My teen and many of his friends - including his otherwise unmotivated best friend - are all really proud to have jobs. It’s also a great way to boost her confidence. The money may be the motivating factor at first (especially if you cut off her shopping and going out to eat budget) but it also will likely make her feel better about herself and her place in the world - or make her realize she needs to put in the work to be able to get better jobs in the future. My kids also have some mild social anxiety and working has helped them a ton there insomuch as they are forced to interact, deal with uncomfortable situations, etc and realize they are capable.

If she’s not taking hard classes or doing other activities there is zero reason she should not be working. If she has trouble finding something and is an okay swimmer it’s pretty easy, even in the winter, to get lifeguarding work. Definitely cut off the free access to cash!

[Anonymous]

OP I think posters are unnecessarily harsh towards your DD. She sounds like a perfectly normal kid. She is also on the younger side of the grade and I am sure it makes it harder to be self confident and to compete and achieve.
My son is a bit like that but he is slowly getting better. Honestly I just made peace with the fact that he is an average boy and is not AP material. He could do it if he was willing to do the work but he isn’t.
I think as long as your kid is kind, well adjusted, has friends, doesn’t ditch school or take drugs or become a teen mom - she has a right to be herself. I am pretty sure she’ll end up having a job and she won’t be homeless one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

Op here. Exactly. It also allows me to track her and know where she’s at or if she’s on a bus to know how long it will take her to get home

Omg. If there is a shooting or a fire at school, you aren’t going to “immediately come get them.” Kids don’t need phones for safety at school. That is a myth born out of anxiety that has hindered education greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH the world feels like it's on fire. An entire generation has woken up to the reality that they will be wage slaves for life and may never own a home. It is actually hard to understand how any young person could feel motivated right now...

Oh please. An entire generation is addicted to their phones and doesn’t leave their bedroom. They don’t even know what work means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think posters are unnecessarily harsh towards your DD. She sounds like a perfectly normal kid. She is also on the younger side of the grade and I am sure it makes it harder to be self confident and to compete and achieve.
My son is a bit like that but he is slowly getting better. Honestly I just made peace with the fact that he is an average boy and is not AP material. He could do it if he was willing to do the work but he isn’t.
I think as long as your kid is kind, well adjusted, has friends, doesn’t ditch school or take drugs or become a teen mom - she has a right to be herself. I am pretty sure she’ll end up having a job and she won’t be homeless one way or another.

Agree with all of this. Also agree there’s no need for all the pressure to go out and try to social when that’s clearly not “her.”

As far as employment / how she will support herself later, there are many new opportunities for girls to WFH beyond just ‘only fans.’ It’s fine to work as a cam-girl; it is all remote, safe, and men are willing to pay big $$ to a girl who doesn’t even have to leave her bedroom. Who knows? She might like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

Op here. Exactly. It also allows me to track her and know where she’s at or if she’s on a bus to know how long it will take her to get home

Omg. If there is a shooting or a fire at school, you aren’t going to “immediately come get them.” Kids don’t need phones for safety at school. That is a myth born out of anxiety that has hindered education greatly.

I sure as hell will come directly there! I care about my kids and put their lives even above mine. Damn right I’d try to save them!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could I suggest that she has a fear of failure? What you are describing generally sounds like my kids until we began to really talk about why they aren't doing stuff. ( It absolutely was the fear of peer rejection for clubs, not making the team for sports, not getting an A or being the smartest in a class.

I see this in my college students in class all the time. They won't start a paper/project because they are in control. Rather than submitting something that could possibly be critiqued as "less than."

Things you say she is interested in (which means she is likely not depressed) are things that are generally not related to success or failure.

Op again. This is a great insight. How do you counter it? How do you build that confidence?

I generally take my kids down the worst possible outcome chain of events. Rarely will the final outcome be something that will have severe repercussions. So we practice taking little risks. I told my oldest that if she got a B in a middle school class, I would give her $20 (since MS grades don't count for anything). She realized then that she was the one putting pressure on herself and it wasn't actually me or her dad. And we talked academically about learning rather than achievement. That too helped.

For sports, I forced them to do something. Once they see that I don't need them to be the star player on the team, just try their best, learn from mistakes, and have fun that took some pressure off of them.

And for a while I made them do daily gratitude journals so when they put the pressure on themselves they can remember feeling good about things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the screens.

We have screentime on. She still needs her phone to be able to communicate with us for safety reasons while she’s in school, on the bus etc

Why? Our kid's HS has a no phones bell to bell rule (beginning of day to end of day) so kids can focus on learning and socialize at lunchtime. How often do you have safety issues on the bus? I would guess, hardly ever. Your kid wants a phone because it's fun to have, but if it's becoming a problem with her socially, you need to cut it off or put much tighter controls on its use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

Op here. Exactly. It also allows me to track her and know where she’s at or if she’s on a bus to know how long it will take her to get home

Omg. If there is a shooting or a fire at school, you aren’t going to “immediately come get them.” Kids don’t need phones for safety at school. That is a myth born out of anxiety that has hindered education greatly.

NP. So if there’s a shooting at your kid’s school you wouldn’t even attempt to immediately go get them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a job

It doesn’t matter what the job is baby sitting dog walking fast food

Stop paying for things
No she dies not need the phone for safety she can have a phone without paces to TikTok

This is your fault why is she shopping?

Traveling WTH ? No

NP here.

I don’t agree with you. My kids need their phones for safety. I mean, if there’s a shooting or a fire at school then I need to immediately know about it so I can come get them.

It really is a safety need for kids to have their phones.

Op here. Exactly. It also allows me to track her and know where she’s at or if she’s on a bus to know how long it will take her to get home

Omg. If there is a shooting or a fire at school, you aren’t going to “immediately come get them.” Kids don’t need phones for safety at school. That is a myth born out of anxiety that has hindered education greatly.

NP. So if there’s a shooting at your kid’s school you wouldn’t even attempt to immediately go get them?

Your kid texting you that there is a shooting or fire, or whatever is not going to make them any safer. The police will be there before you and the space will need to be secured. You can’t just “go get them.” Sure, show up and wait, but you would be notified to come do this without or without your kid having a phone.