Coming to terms with your kid not loving a sport (or anything else really)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, I understand the judgment based on my post and I probably deserve it. But the truth is, I just really want her to find something that builds her confidence and keeps her active. I know she's not an extension of me, and I’m not trying to live through her. I just want her to find joy in something.

So far, she’s been lukewarm about everything we’ve tried: tennis lessons, gymnastics/tumbling, recreational swimming (she refused the swim team), rec lacrosse, and now volleyball camp. She’s already said no to soccer, basketball, dance, cheer, and any kind of martial arts. The only thing she kind of likes is gymnastics, but only wants to go once a week.

She does enjoy art, so we might revisit that.

I just want her to find something that makes her happy. Her older sister participates in two activities I know nothing about, and she’s grown so much from them. I just want the same for her.

Those are all sports, save art. Maybe she’s not sporty.

And she’s already doing gymnastics once a week. So what’s the problem?

The problem is she's hoping for her to be a superstar at one thing instead of dabbling in many things.

She's *9*

[Anonymous]

I was a soccer player through college and really wanted my DD to play. Which she did, until she turned 10 and decided she hated it. At the same age she found another sport, loves it, and now plays at the travel level. She started at a rec league with friends, whichmade it much more fun for her.

But we also exposed her to lots of other things (music, theater, volunteering) so she had a range of things to pick from. She's 9. She'll find her place if you keep helping her look.

[Anonymous]

Op I totally understand what you want for your daughter - I do think what you’ve tried has been pretty limited in a certain type of organized sport box (though I understand you’ve offered other sports like cheer) but I agree with others that I would really try other things now: art (100% if shes shown interest! Ceramics, photography, so many cool things), any interest at all in biking or running? Sometimes these can be good fits for kids who don’t like the pressure that can come with team sports. A friends son LOVES cyclocross because he gets the fun competing with others team feel but only actually has to “compete” with himself, no one else is depending on him. Probably not for your daughter and also, it doesn’t all have to be a competitive thing - just biking as a family can provide so much joy. There are regular groups in the area that meet and mountain bike that are so much fun, if you have any interest for example (with kids, called Smores) non competitive, great way to learn, individual, great for my kid with adhd. If she shows any interest in running and you’re in Arlington or look for one in your area: https://runsignup.com/Race/VA/Arlington/HealthyKidsRunningSeriesArlingtonVA

I’m going to throw out some other random things: saw this the other day, so different but for the right kid could become a passion: https://www.hisawyer.com/art-house-seven/schedules/activity-set/1550541?source=semesters

Theater. I know you want something active - stay active as a family, get biking, hiking, outdoors, and she’ll be ok. Consider things like track in middle and high school. And the passions may lie outside of sports and that’s ok.

Also - consider an all girls sleepaway camp that runs for 3-4 weeks. I may sound crazy to some but it’s a GREAT spot for girls who aren’t spending their summer on travel sports and crazy focused on one thing. They build so much confidence, try new things. In VA there is camp Carysbrook and camp Mont Shenandoah that both have these vibes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. Rest assured though, the sooner she can try other things the better. My kids are in college now but I was like you when they were young. Covid serendipitously reset everything and during my DS’s freshmen year of high school a friend encouraged him to give lacrosse a try. He loved it and played all through high school and still plays rec in college.

And honestly all the other kids at aged 9 who ‘loved’ soccer or another sport, either burned out in high school, or were just not all that talented and they never found a sport on their own.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I get where you are coming from. Partly it is the pressure of our surroundings because it seems every kid is into something. But I think back on my childhood and I really did nothing and frankly, it didn't really matter. My life is not any worse than people who grew up spending an enormous amount of time and money in some sport.

I also have gone through a lot of hardship recently. Those, added to the RTO order we are under, has put me in survival mode. It really made me reevaluate what really matters. I want to spend time with my kids, so more family outings, share what I know about the world with them, introduce them to music and theater. The other things are really not that important. What you ultimately want is a well adjusted, independent kid, who has a good relationship with you. Extracurriculars are NOT really relevant to that goal.

[Anonymous]

Sorry your kid sounds totally average and healthy. You should be more grateful.

[Anonymous]

I am actually surprised by how many people openly admit they are really trying to get their kids to do all the shit they did and liked as kids. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 9. You said she’s active, silly, and full of life. how is that “drifting”? She has a lifetime to figure out what’s “hers.”

+1 She seems happy! What’s the problem?

[Anonymous]

^and it does sound like she feels connected and fulfilled. Plus she’s 9!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a band kid growing up. Marching band, concert band, jazz band, pep band, I did it all for years even in college and beyond. Won awards, was first chair, got music scholarships. Our older kid was a band kid, too. Younger kid, it turns out, is more of an artist. Painter, drawer, animator, and has a fabulous talent. It became clear by HS that band wasn't taking younger kid anywhere; it was just marking time (no pun intended). I told kid in high school to drop band and take art instead. Go for it and see where it goes, because it wasn't about me. Kid is much more valued in the art department than they ever were in the band program, and is now a stand out winning awards. I can't draw my way out of a paper bag, but I can recognize that this is where kid needed to go, and I'm glad I could offer my blessing. Help your kid find what she is good at, and has a passion for. Try a little of everything through park and rec, etc. Their thing probably won't be what we did, because our kids are their own people. The best part of parenting is seeing what they love, glimpsing the world through their eyes.

I know you are trying to be helpful, but it’s misguided. Not all kids have “a fabulous talent” and are “standouts, winning awards.” OP would be delighted with that, no matter what the activity. It’s not the outcome for the vast majority of kids and it’s irrelevant to OP’s concern.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that as she gets older, her peers will have a lot of influence and might get her to try various activities. She is way too young for you to worry about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Raise the child you have, not the one you want.

[Anonymous]

Mine discovered a passion for theater in 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

Don't push things. Put options in the child's path and let them discover it for themselves. A summer camp that has a lot of choice build in and diverse options for things to try, especially if it's a sleep away camp where parents aren't asking every day "what did you do today? Have you found your passion?"

[Anonymous]

What if your child doesn’t have a “thing?” What if her thing is enjoying her friends and family and school? You know appreciating the life she has rather than striving for the one magical thing that will give confidence, community or whatever else you seem so worried about?