SIL battling cancer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

You're asking for our friendly advice AFTER you say you're going to dumb it down for us?

Gee, can't think why we wouldn't help you!

Every time you post, you keep revealing a worse side of yourself.

Yeah, because I got a bunch of personal attacks on my character from people reading way too much into my post. No longer looking for friendly advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP comes off as very callous, or at least someone who struggles with empathy. There really is no excuse.

Also, some people who haven’t found themselves yet in their 30s (maybe SIL has been set back by health issues) do figure things out later. SIL won’t have the chance.

It is nor callous to describe a family member who never became completely independent as a failure to launch. She is not making fun of SIL, just explaining that her husband and SIL were different and have not always been close. But the main thing she is recognizing that this is a very sad situation and trying to help her spouse cope with his sister's illness. I think it's admirable to recognize the sadness in the situation and try to help.

Now is clearly not the time. OP wants to anticipate a death because she's getting a frisson out of it. That's horrible. Anticipation at this point is NOT appropriate.

Have you had an experience with a terminally ill family member? Anticipation is very appropriate once the crap starts to hit the fan.. The last time I saw my mother in person was two months before her death and I could tell by looking at her that she would not be here much longer. Planning for how to deal with things is a reality in such a situation. It is not thrilling or fun, just reality..

A. Because OP is not SIL's direct relative and can't DO anything. It's her in-laws and husband who can DO stuff. I've had terminally ill grandparents and in-laws. I could not anticipate in any effective way, because I was not the one directly involved. All I could do was support the ones who were. This is OP's role too, and she's majorly getting ahead of herself. Her anticipation is not healthy at all. Her husband will be ready when he will be ready.

B. I don't think OP is talking about organizing and preparing, she's talking about her husband feeling more grief than what she "thinks" he's anticipating. She doesn't even know what her husband is thinking and feeling!!! Just because he's acting all cool, doesn't mean he's not actually fearing his sister's passing. Men often act this way. My husband acted all cool and efficient before deaths in his family, but he was repressing his feelings to do the best he could for them - he wasn't actually unfeeling. He didn't cry once, but you bet he mourned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

Huh? It’s an anonymous forum and I gave no details that could identify her nor does she read this forum as she doesn’t live around here. Not sure who “discussing” this here is hurting, so I don’t think morals are in question. Nor am I sure what relishing and what drama you’re referring to.

You're deliberately misunderstanding. There is no risk of identifying anyone. But it's not right to discuss a potentially dying relative in the terms you've used, one that apparently has done you no harm. Stop using "failure to launch", especially if you say that there are health issues involved (whether mental or physical). You give the impression you're blaming her and that she is "less than". You clearly have a sense of superiority and it shows, which is very graceless of you when she apparently has a terminal cancer diagnosis. What I read was: "My husband might suffer from the death of this unimportant and inferior relative, but right now he doesn't realize it, what can I do?"

All of this could have been easily averted if you had just said the two siblings had nothing in common, but you were still worried about potential fallout. And then I'd have told you, more nicely, to wait, because there was nothing you could do right now.

Failure to launch is a term used by therapists/psychiatrists and generally describes her situation. Nowhere in my post did I suggest blame/judgment. Maybe it’s you who thinks that a person like this is “less than”? I said no such thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

You're asking for our friendly advice AFTER you say you're going to dumb it down for us?

Gee, can't think why we wouldn't help you!

Every time you post, you keep revealing a worse side of yourself.

Yeah, because I got a bunch of personal attacks on my character from people reading way too much into my post. No longer looking for friendly advice.

If you're not going to learn how to communicate better on DCUM, you should just leave then. We don't like helping people who gratuitously criticize their dying SIL. And if you can't understand why acting in a cold and speculative way gets your motives questioned, then perhaps you're on the autism spectrum and don't understand the complexities of human emotion and social mores. You essentially admitted that you think it's OK to behave horribly as long as it's anonymous. That's pretty low, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

Huh? It’s an anonymous forum and I gave no details that could identify her nor does she read this forum as she doesn’t live around here. Not sure who “discussing” this here is hurting, so I don’t think morals are in question. Nor am I sure what relishing and what drama you’re referring to.

You're deliberately misunderstanding. There is no risk of identifying anyone. But it's not right to discuss a potentially dying relative in the terms you've used, one that apparently has done you no harm. Stop using "failure to launch", especially if you say that there are health issues involved (whether mental or physical). You give the impression you're blaming her and that she is "less than". You clearly have a sense of superiority and it shows, which is very graceless of you when she apparently has a terminal cancer diagnosis. What I read was: "My husband might suffer from the death of this unimportant and inferior relative, but right now he doesn't realize it, what can I do?"

All of this could have been easily averted if you had just said the two siblings had nothing in common, but you were still worried about potential fallout. And then I'd have told you, more nicely, to wait, because there was nothing you could do right now.

Failure to launch is a term used by therapists/psychiatrists and generally describes her situation. Nowhere in my post did I suggest blame/judgment. Maybe it’s you who thinks that a person like this is “less than”? I said no such thing.

Every one except you knows that some medical terms are archaic and accusatory. Like "incompetent cervix" for example. "Failure to launch" is another such term. Don't use it to describe someone whom you don't actively and legitimately resent!

But maybe this is what it's all about? You hate your SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

Huh? It’s an anonymous forum and I gave no details that could identify her nor does she read this forum as she doesn’t live around here. Not sure who “discussing” this here is hurting, so I don’t think morals are in question. Nor am I sure what relishing and what drama you’re referring to.

You're deliberately misunderstanding. There is no risk of identifying anyone. But it's not right to discuss a potentially dying relative in the terms you've used, one that apparently has done you no harm. Stop using "failure to launch", especially if you say that there are health issues involved (whether mental or physical). You give the impression you're blaming her and that she is "less than". You clearly have a sense of superiority and it shows, which is very graceless of you when she apparently has a terminal cancer diagnosis. What I read was: "My husband might suffer from the death of this unimportant and inferior relative, but right now he doesn't realize it, what can I do?"

All of this could have been easily averted if you had just said the two siblings had nothing in common, but you were still worried about potential fallout. And then I'd have told you, more nicely, to wait, because there was nothing you could do right now.

Failure to launch is a term used by therapists/psychiatrists and generally describes her situation. Nowhere in my post did I suggest blame/judgment. Maybe it’s you who thinks that a person like this is “less than”? I said no such thing.

Every one except you knows that some medical terms are archaic and accusatory. Like "incompetent cervix" for example. "Failure to launch" is another such term. Don't use it to describe someone whom you don't actively and legitimately resent!

But maybe this is what it's all about? You hate your SIL?

So psychiatrists resent their patients? That’s the only context I’ve heard it used in but ok sure, I won’t use it again.

Nope - no hate but glad you’re getting a kick out of the speculation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

You're asking for our friendly advice AFTER you say you're going to dumb it down for us?

Gee, can't think why we wouldn't help you!

Every time you post, you keep revealing a worse side of yourself.

Yeah, because I got a bunch of personal attacks on my character from people reading way too much into my post. No longer looking for friendly advice.

If you're not going to learn how to communicate better on DCUM, you should just leave then. We don't like helping people who gratuitously criticize their dying SIL. And if you can't understand why acting in a cold and speculative way gets your motives questioned, then perhaps you're on the autism spectrum and don't understand the complexities of human emotion and social mores. You essentially admitted that you think it's OK to behave horribly as long as it's anonymous. That's pretty low, OP.

LOL I’m not autistic but way to use this opportunity to insult autistic people. Yep, they’re horrible and low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

You're asking for our friendly advice AFTER you say you're going to dumb it down for us?

Gee, can't think why we wouldn't help you!

Every time you post, you keep revealing a worse side of yourself.

Yeah, because I got a bunch of personal attacks on my character from people reading way too much into my post. No longer looking for friendly advice.

If you're not going to learn how to communicate better on DCUM, you should just leave then. We don't like helping people who gratuitously criticize their dying SIL. And if you can't understand why acting in a cold and speculative way gets your motives questioned, then perhaps you're on the autism spectrum and don't understand the complexities of human emotion and social mores. You essentially admitted that you think it's OK to behave horribly as long as it's anonymous. That's pretty low, OP.

LOL I’m not autistic but way to use this opportunity to insult autistic people. Yep, they’re horrible and low.

PP you replied to. My son is autistic, so I know what I'm talking about. I have raised him to not write the post you wrote. It took a ton of work.

[Anonymous]

You trained your kid to post with empathy on an anonymous forum so that no one will suspect he’s autistic and DCUM will give him nice friendly advice?

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you’re mostly wondering how much this is going to affect *you* and whether it will be an inconvenience. Please channel some empathy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you’re mostly wondering how much this is going to affect *you* and whether it will be an inconvenience. Please channel some empathy

I wrote “Im trying to process what it would be like to lose a sibling you aren’t particularly close to.”

I.e. I’m wondering how it will be like for DH, who so far seems to be doing OK, to lose a family member who he is not very close to in part because they have taken different paths in life. I didn’t say I’m wondering how it is like for ME to lose this person. I do not have siblings (nor am I close to his sibling because he isn’t close to her) so it’s hard for me to put myself exactly in his shoes. He says he’s ok, but will he be devastated? I don’t know and I don’t think he knows either. Also, I can’t ask this question to real life people because that would be weird, which is why I’m posting it on DCUM. But of course l people on an anonymous forum still need you to feed them a whole sob story before they can deem a question worthy of a response….

I didn’t want to write a sob story. I just had a question and I asked it without going into too much detail, but trying to give some context. I guess I picked the wrong context to share.

[Anonymous]

Let me give it to you straight. What is it like to lose a sibling? It’s devastating and life changing. Maybe your DH is callous or maybe he is holding his emotions inside? We don’t know the answer to this, but to see your SIBLING dying in front of your eyes, knowing you share some DNA, makes you wonder why them and not me? Losing a parent is expected, losing a sibling brings your mortality to the forefront. You didn’t mention you or your DH visiting this sister. If not, step up.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be sad if my SIL passed away sooner than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

Huh? It’s an anonymous forum and I gave no details that could identify her nor does she read this forum as she doesn’t live around here. Not sure who “discussing” this here is hurting, so I don’t think morals are in question. Nor am I sure what relishing and what drama you’re referring to.

You're deliberately misunderstanding. There is no risk of identifying anyone. But it's not right to discuss a potentially dying relative in the terms you've used, one that apparently has done you no harm. Stop using "failure to launch", especially if you say that there are health issues involved (whether mental or physical). You give the impression you're blaming her and that she is "less than". You clearly have a sense of superiority and it shows, which is very graceless of you when she apparently has a terminal cancer diagnosis. What I read was: "My husband might suffer from the death of this unimportant and inferior relative, but right now he doesn't realize it, what can I do?"

All of this could have been easily averted if you had just said the two siblings had nothing in common, but you were still worried about potential fallout. And then I'd have told you, more nicely, to wait, because there was nothing you could do right now.

Failure to launch is a term used by therapists/psychiatrists and generally describes her situation. Nowhere in my post did I suggest blame/judgment. Maybe it’s you who thinks that a person like this is “less than”? I said no such thing.

You did sort of justify the disconnect by your husband and his sister due to her "failure to launch." This implication is that she wasn't worthy of his attention or a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

I deal with medical terms on a daily basis, moron. PP meant clinical as in cold and heartless. Not actual medical.

You are so heartless and stupid you don't even know you come across that way. Better step away from the thread and try to muster up some sympathy for your SIL before she passes. We can't help you grow a heart.

+1

Thank you. That is exactly how I meant clinical.

I had a cousin die recently of a brain tumor. We are both in our 30s just like OP’s SIL. It was devastating to her husband, parents and siblings. My grandparents are also heartbroken. It’s been painful for our entire family, her friends and her colleagues. Someone dying in their 30s is generally considered tragic. For OP it seems like a curiosity and inconvenience.