SIL battling cancer

[Anonymous]

The OP comes off as very callous, or at least someone who struggles with empathy. There really is no excuse.

Also, some people who haven’t found themselves yet in their 30s (maybe SIL has been set back by health issues) do figure things out later. SIL won’t have the chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP comes off as very callous, or at least someone who struggles with empathy. There really is no excuse.

Also, some people who haven’t found themselves yet in their 30s (maybe SIL has been set back by health issues) do figure things out later. SIL won’t have the chance.

It is nor callous to describe a family member who never became completely independent as a failure to launch. She is not making fun of SIL, just explaining that her husband and SIL were different and have not always been close. But the main thing she is recognizing that this is a very sad situation and trying to help her spouse cope with his sister's illness. I think it's admirable to recognize the sadness in the situation and try to help.

[Anonymous]

Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP comes off as very callous, or at least someone who struggles with empathy. There really is no excuse.

Also, some people who haven’t found themselves yet in their 30s (maybe SIL has been set back by health issues) do figure things out later. SIL won’t have the chance.

It is nor callous to describe a family member who never became completely independent as a failure to launch. She is not making fun of SIL, just explaining that her husband and SIL were different and have not always been close. But the main thing she is recognizing that this is a very sad situation and trying to help her spouse cope with his sister's illness. I think it's admirable to recognize the sadness in the situation and try to help.

Now is clearly not the time. OP wants to anticipate a death because she's getting a frisson out of it. That's horrible. Anticipation at this point is NOT appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

Huh? It’s an anonymous forum and I gave no details that could identify her nor does she read this forum as she doesn’t live around here. Not sure who “discussing” this here is hurting, so I don’t think morals are in question. Nor am I sure what relishing and what drama you’re referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There probably was a better way to ask this question.
But it’s a fair question to ask how to processs grief of loss for a family member you are not longer close to. I’ve been wondering that because I think my spouse will be surprised by how it hits him when his estranged mother dies. I’ve seen a lot of people on this forum posting similar when they are estranged for their family of origen. I would encourage your husband to try to rebuild the bonds with his sister now and be there for her — both because she may need him and also because he really may regret not doing that after she is gone.

There is nothing you can do as a third party before the death occurs, I hope you and OP come to understand this.

I've seen my husband deal with the loss of his younger brother (brain tumor) and father (pneumonia). Even though his relationship with his bipolar father was distant and challenging, obviously it hit him. Deaths usually do! But there was nothing to be done before his father's passing. The emotional work came afterward, and not even immediately after, when we were all busy with funeral organization, etc. The work was done when everyone had gone home, gone back to work and school, and suddenly, he realized that his verbally abusive and unstable father still meant something to him, and that mourning was complicated by resentment.

The ghoulish anticipation of OP is very perturbing. She looks on this as some kind of entertainment created for her benefit, but cloaks it in pretend concern. I can see right through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your description of your SIL is way too cold given what she's going through. Also, it's not morally right to discuss the fallout of her demise on an internet forum when she's not in hospice yet.

It's obvious you're very much relishing the drama without sparing a thought to this poor human being who is currently suffering. You are a very flawed person, and I hope one day you understand this.

Huh? It’s an anonymous forum and I gave no details that could identify her nor does she read this forum as she doesn’t live around here. Not sure who “discussing” this here is hurting, so I don’t think morals are in question. Nor am I sure what relishing and what drama you’re referring to.

You're deliberately misunderstanding. There is no risk of identifying anyone. But it's not right to discuss a potentially dying relative in the terms you've used, one that apparently has done you no harm. Stop using "failure to launch", especially if you say that there are health issues involved (whether mental or physical). You give the impression you're blaming her and that she is "less than". You clearly have a sense of superiority and it shows, which is very graceless of you when she apparently has a terminal cancer diagnosis. What I read was: "My husband might suffer from the death of this unimportant and inferior relative, but right now he doesn't realize it, what can I do?"

All of this could have been easily averted if you had just said the two siblings had nothing in common, but you were still worried about potential fallout. And then I'd have told you, more nicely, to wait, because there was nothing you could do right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

I deal with medical terms on a daily basis, moron. PP meant clinical as in cold and heartless. Not actual medical.

You are so heartless and stupid you don't even know you come across that way. Better step away from the thread and try to muster up some sympathy for your SIL before she passes. We can't help you grow a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

I deal with medical terms on a daily basis, moron. PP meant clinical as in cold and heartless. Not actual medical.

You are so heartless and stupid you don't even know you come across that way. Better step away from the thread and try to muster up some sympathy for your SIL before she passes. We can't help you grow a heart.

+1

[Anonymous]

So I take it you'd be perfectly fine with someone talking about you in this way on an internet forum, if you were dying from cancer? No words of affection for you at all, but just some extraneous details that reflect negatively on you, and which are not necessary to the issue at hand?

[Anonymous]

ILs will be devastated, your DH will have to live with the fallout to a large extent. So I think it will mostly be indirect impact.

Is your SIL dependent on her brother in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP actually made me wince. The language is so clinical and distant. More about her own curiosity rather than any empathy for her DH or SIL.

Ok sorry - I’ll try to avoid using medical terms and dumb it down for you guys while making sure I convey some empathy in my posts so you know I have a heart.

You're asking for our friendly advice AFTER you say you're going to dumb it down for us?

Gee, can't think why we wouldn't help you!

Every time you post, you keep revealing a worse side of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So I take it you'd be perfectly fine with someone talking about you in this way on an internet forum, if you were dying from cancer? No words of affection for you at all, but just some extraneous details that reflect negatively on you, and which are not necessary to the issue at hand?

I mean, I wouldn’t find out about it so who cares. What’s the point of conveying empathy on an anonymous forum? I had a question, I succinctly asked it. I guess I could’ve added a few sentences about how sad the whole situation is, talked about nice how my SIL is and how she doesn’t deserve it, etc. but that’s not really what my question is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP comes off as very callous, or at least someone who struggles with empathy. There really is no excuse.

Also, some people who haven’t found themselves yet in their 30s (maybe SIL has been set back by health issues) do figure things out later. SIL won’t have the chance.

It is nor callous to describe a family member who never became completely independent as a failure to launch. She is not making fun of SIL, just explaining that her husband and SIL were different and have not always been close. But the main thing she is recognizing that this is a very sad situation and trying to help her spouse cope with his sister's illness. I think it's admirable to recognize the sadness in the situation and try to help.

Now is clearly not the time. OP wants to anticipate a death because she's getting a frisson out of it. That's horrible. Anticipation at this point is NOT appropriate.

Have you had an experience with a terminally ill family member? Anticipation is very appropriate once the crap starts to hit the fan.. The last time I saw my mother in person was two months before her death and I could tell by looking at her that she would not be here much longer. Planning for how to deal with things is a reality in such a situation. It is not thrilling or fun, just reality..