So. Difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds really immature. Was she always behind her peers socially?

+1. This sounds like tween/teen behavior, not 22 year old behavior. Also what’s your husband’s role in this? Is he backing you up?

[Anonymous]

I have a hypercritical and control-freak mother, who called me fat (I was underweight), restricted food and did not let me see my friends, without any sort of excuse like protecting an elderly person from Covid. She has little education, severe untreated anxiety and was neglected as a child, which explains her parenting 180 and tendency to smother me. I resented her for all my adolescence and my 20s, because she had no awareness of her own actions. At 30, I cut her off for 6 months, and then relented because I missed my father and he comes as a package deal. We now have a constructive but very long-distance relationship, being on different continents. If we were any closer, I wouldn't be able to stand her, honestly.

Unless there are some things you're not telling us, it's your daughter who sounds like she's dealing with mental health issues. It's OK to put some distance between yourselves! She will get better or she won't, but right now, you're the last person she will accept help from. I hope your husband can act as mediator, and perhaps he, or someone else she trusts in the family or circle of friends, would be in a better position to suggest a psychology evaluation. No therapy for now, OP, that comes after a diagnosis (a lot of people don't understand this). She needs to see an actual psychologist who can conduct an assessment.

I hope things get better.

[Anonymous]

OP, as parents we all make mistakes. We are trying to do the right thing in the moment, but our young adult children call us on it later. That's when we need to honor their feelings. Tell her sincerely how you are sorry. You were doing what felt right at the time, but you failed in some ways. Own it. Pride is a failing, OP. it's one of the seven deadly sins. In fact, I think it's number one on the list. Your adult child wants to know that you can admit to faults, that you can see how she struggled. Right now, you aren't willing to admit it. You just run away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as parents we all make mistakes. We are trying to do the right thing in the moment, but our young adult children call us on it later. That's when we need to honor their feelings. Tell her sincerely how you are sorry. You were doing what felt right at the time, but you failed in some ways. Own it. Pride is a failing, OP. it's one of the seven deadly sins. In fact, I think it's number one on the list. Your adult child wants to know that you can admit to faults, that you can see how she struggled. Right now, you aren't willing to admit it. You just run away.

DP. I hear what you are saying, but I struggle with this. If I know I did the wrong thing (a moment of stressed out snappishness, say), I can admit that and simply apologize. In other situations, I am absolutely capable of saying "I was doing the best I could in the moment, and I'm sorry it now doesn't seem like the right thing, and I'm truly sorry that (insert whatever the decision was) left you feeling hurt or struggling." But sometimes that doesn't seem like enough, and my kid seems to want something more, in a way that feels simplistic. But I WAS doing the best I could in the moment. And I don't think taking on all the fault — "I was bad, I was wrong, you were right, and you still are" — actually helps her very much. It might assuage feelings in the short term, but I don't think it prepares her well to live in a world where the very best you can hope for is to have relationships with loving, well-intentioned, inherently flawed, non-omniscient individuals.

So, I don't know. I haven't figured out how to handle these moments. I don't think that's pride, exactly, I think it's more complex than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she come visit if it’s so terrible to be with you?

This was my first thought too. You are allowing her to treat you poorly in your own home.
I would ask her to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as parents we all make mistakes. We are trying to do the right thing in the moment, but our young adult children call us on it later. That's when we need to honor their feelings. Tell her sincerely how you are sorry. You were doing what felt right at the time, but you failed in some ways. Own it. Pride is a failing, OP. it's one of the seven deadly sins. In fact, I think it's number one on the list. Your adult child wants to know that you can admit to faults, that you can see how she struggled. Right now, you aren't willing to admit it. You just run away.

What exactly did OP do wrong?
All kids were affected by Covid and most have turned out OK.
It sounds like the DD has the social problems and can't own up to it. Telling the mom to take the blame doesn't help the DD's social problems but only serves to give DD an external excuse for why she is possibly the problem because it's obvious she can't make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as parents we all make mistakes. We are trying to do the right thing in the moment, but our young adult children call us on it later. That's when we need to honor their feelings. Tell her sincerely how you are sorry. You were doing what felt right at the time, but you failed in some ways. Own it. Pride is a failing, OP. it's one of the seven deadly sins. In fact, I think it's number one on the list. Your adult child wants to know that you can admit to faults, that you can see how she struggled. Right now, you aren't willing to admit it. You just run away.

What exactly did OP do wrong?
All kids were affected by Covid and most have turned out OK.
It sounds like the DD has the social problems and can't own up to it. Telling the mom to take the blame doesn't help the DD's social problems but only serves to give DD an external excuse for why she is possibly the problem because it's obvious she can't make friends.

Np here and the issue is that the dd seems stuck on it and harbors resentment. Op was not “wrong” in a horrible way, but she did hurt her dd with her decision to prioritize mil’s needs. Whether the dd should have been hurt or not is not the point. She did feel hurt and now she’s blaming some issues on it AND op keeps insisting it was a good decision she stands by. They need to get unstuck somehow. Op might want to acknowledge the dd’s hurt feelings to open communication and move forward.

[Anonymous]

I would acknowledge that it hurt her OP, and it was what you had to do at the time because grandparent was living with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as parents we all make mistakes. We are trying to do the right thing in the moment, but our young adult children call us on it later. That's when we need to honor their feelings. Tell her sincerely how you are sorry. You were doing what felt right at the time, but you failed in some ways. Own it. Pride is a failing, OP. it's one of the seven deadly sins. In fact, I think it's number one on the list. Your adult child wants to know that you can admit to faults, that you can see how she struggled. Right now, you aren't willing to admit it. You just run away.

DP. I hear what you are saying, but I struggle with this. If I know I did the wrong thing (a moment of stressed out snappishness, say), I can admit that and simply apologize. In other situations, I am absolutely capable of saying "I was doing the best I could in the moment, and I'm sorry it now doesn't seem like the right thing, and I'm truly sorry that (insert whatever the decision was) left you feeling hurt or struggling." But sometimes that doesn't seem like enough, and my kid seems to want something more, in a way that feels simplistic. But I WAS doing the best I could in the moment. And I don't think taking on all the fault — "I was bad, I was wrong, you were right, and you still are" — actually helps her very much. It might assuage feelings in the short term, but I don't think it prepares her well to live in a world where the very best you can hope for is to have relationships with loving, well-intentioned, inherently flawed, non-omniscient individuals.

So, I don't know. I haven't figured out how to handle these moments. I don't think that's pride, exactly, I think it's more complex than that.

Sometimes it’s better to apologize for flaws even if your intentions were good. You can still have handled things better than you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, 22, is so freaking difficult. Everything I say she challenges, it’s like she thinks I am so stupid that I can’t possibly say anything that is correct. It’s so frustrating and no fun at all to spend time with her.

I feel awful saying that. She doesn’t live with us, but not far. She comes home to visit with friends, the dog, and she doesn’t have these issues with her dad.

I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s cowardly but the last time she visited I stayed for 10 min and said I had to run to help out a friend. It wasn’t true, I just got out of the house and drove around.

We had a great relationship until she was in HS during Covid. She wanted to spend time with her friends, but my MIL was living with us then and was elderly and frail, so we had to be very careful. We allowed her to see friends outside, but she thinks I am an awful person because I wouldn’t let her do what she wanted.

FWIW the MIL has since passed (not from Covid), but the only memory DD seems to have is that I was incredibly controlling over her life and ruined her entire existence.

It’s exhausting.

Its must be exhausting and saddening. Your DH should try to clear it up by explaining to her how you were stressed with covid, MIL living with you and kids wanting to socialize to bring infection home. Also how this tension is effecting you and DD and needs to be addressed and cleared.

[Anonymous]

Was your husband fine with her visiting with friends indoors during covid times? Just wondering why you are the one catching the cold shoulder here.

[Anonymous]

How did op do the wrong thing?? SO many people didn’t let their kids socialize indoors. My entire social circle and my neighborhood handled it like this. They socialized outside.

In 2020 300 THOUSAND Americans died of COVID. Think of how many more that would have been if we hadn’t taken precautions. You didn’t make a mistake, you have nothing to apologize for.

You have a spoiled brat of a dd and you shouldn’t let her use you as a punching bag.

[Anonymous]

May she have her first child during cold and flu season, and come to grasp why we change or social interactions sometimes to protect those we love.

[Anonymous]

Well, I also harbor some resentment towards my mother for how I was parented, and she also calls me "difficult." I will tell you that it doesn't make me feel any closer to her to get labeled. And, we did go to counseling together! (It didn't help, she just gaslit me, but at least the therapist could look at her notes & say calmly, actually you did acknowledge last time that this thing you're saying didn't happen actually did).

Best of luck with you in repairing your relationship with your child. While she may be acting in ways that you find difficult, she is, in fact, the child, and you are the adult. I try to remember this with my own young adult children so I can stop the cycle. I hope that you and your family can reconnect and find peace in supporting one another.

[Anonymous]

Apologize sincerely and move on. She is your child so who cares who is wrong.