So. Difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, what would she write about you? Are you talking about pleasant or neutral topics, or are you trying to give her unsolicited advice? Are you trying to talk about politics? Are you trying to gossip?

I’m not saying you are doing any of those things. But if you approach the next few conversations with her as you would with a respected peer that you recently met (not a “deep” relationship), see how it goes. Basically, now that she’s an adult outside the home, try NOT to act like her mom, but as an adult you are meeting for the first time and forging a new relationship with.

[Anonymous]

Moms seem to be the easiest target for kids to take out all their fears and frustrations. I am sorry this is happening to you, OP, and hope your daughter works through her COVID trauma soon. It was hard on everyone and it’s not fair that she is using you as the target for all of her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Why is your husband not supporting you? Were his rules different from yours in Covid?

[Anonymous]

Where was your husband when you were protecting his mother? His job was to show a united front on this. I’m sick of men getting a pass when women have to clean up their mess and take responsibility for things they ignore.

[Anonymous]

I mean you did do the things she is angry about, and her feelings are valid

[Anonymous]

You had a situation in which her needs and mil’s needs were not compatible. You put mil’s needs above hers. That’s how she sees it. It made her feel unloved. So you cannot undo that, and need to acknowledge and validate rather than try to convince her your decision was good.

[Anonymous]

She is a adult. She shouldn't be allowed to enter your home and disrespect you. I would tell her if she cant be respectful it may be better for her not to visit. I believe in having good relationships with family but will not be disrepected in my home. Your husband should also back you up.

You made a mistake with covid op. Admit it. Say you made what you thought was a right decision using the information you had at the time.

She needs to grow up but that clarity will only come with age or having a family of her own. We all think our parents are terrible until we have our own family and realize our parents are just humans doing yhr best they can.

She does need therapy. Covid did a number on plenty of kids. Shes missing out on current times and relationships for something that happened years ago.

[Anonymous]

Is she completely financially independent? Only when she is financially independent of you and Dad can you have an adult relationship with her, a peer relationship with her. A peer relationship means she has as much to lose as you do. She won't want to lose the relationship. That's the natural thing. So she will work at it near equally and she will know she's accountable.

Meanwhile, I think you give her space. Give yourself space. What you did by shortening the contact when she visited was fine. How would you treat someone you're likely to see often and want to get along? (think neighbor) You're pleasant to be around and you don't get too personal. And you physically step out of the situation if a discussion becomes disrespectful. Time and her maturing is what you have going for you but it's unknown how long that will take.

[Anonymous]

OP - if it wasn't covid, it would be something else. Some other complaint. Emotional manipulation is what she's doing. It's not right but it's the age, mostly.

[Anonymous]

I had three teens during Covid lockdown, and we sat down and decided together what we would do/not do. We researched and presented scientific reports or preprints to try to understand what the best practices were, and how to proceed. We all had to agree. It helped them take responsibility for the decisions. We still do that now - if there’s an uptick then we meet and discuss what to do.

That doesn’t help your current situation, though. I too have a 21 yo who blames me for their own bad decisions, and I find it helps to listen and to acknowledge their feelings. That doesn’t mean taking blame. Remind them that if they can determine what role they played, they have more control over avoiding that mistake in the future.

[Anonymous]

She sounds really immature. Was she always behind her peers socially?

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can just not let her get to you? I would recommend you work with a therapist on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms seem to be the easiest target for kids to take out all their fears and frustrations. I am sorry this is happening to you, OP, and hope your daughter works through her COVID trauma soon. It was hard on everyone and it’s not fair that she is using you as the target for all of her feelings.

+1 It was easier for me to lash out at my mom (sometimes for good reasons) than my dad. Part of it is that mothers do most of the care giving and setting boundaries, while the dads get to play the good guy by staying silent.

The other part is that dads are just scarier. I know DD has more fear of her dad, not that he would ever hit her. He is just more intimidating. I felt the exact same way as a teen. My dad *never* hit me. My mother did, yet I still lashed out at my mother more than my father even though I knew she would hit me (yes I was abused as a kid).

OP did the right thing, even as I hated the schools closing. IMO, people who did not have elderly or immuno-compromised family members should've been able to go to school the following school year, but if you did have vulnerable people in the house, it made total sense to keep your kids out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - if it wasn't covid, it would be something else. Some other complaint. Emotional manipulation is what she's doing. It's not right but it's the age, mostly.

This is likely true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had three teens during Covid lockdown, and we sat down and decided together what we would do/not do. We researched and presented scientific reports or preprints to try to understand what the best practices were, and how to proceed. We all had to agree. It helped them take responsibility for the decisions. We still do that now - if there’s an uptick then we meet and discuss what to do.

That doesn’t help your current situation, though. I too have a 21 yo who blames me for their own bad decisions, and I find it helps to listen and to acknowledge their feelings. That doesn’t mean taking blame. Remind them that if they can determine what role they played, they have more control over avoiding that mistake in the future.

My 16 yr old told me that they are more mature now, and they want to be able to make their own decisions. She is not that mature, but I let her do that. Of course, she made some bad decisions, and when I let her suffer the natural consequences of those decisions, she lashed out at me.

When my kids were younger, I wanted them to learn my mother tongue and was going to put them in Saturday class. They fought it tooth and nail so I didn't do it. Now, as teens/young adult they tell me that I should've just forced them to do it because they want to know how to speak the language.

They also fought me on taking music lessons. I made them do it for a couple of years, and then let them stop. They told me recently that I should've forced them to continue because now they wished they knew how to play the instrument better.

All of this was me. DH makes no decisions or initiatives about these things. He's supportive of what I say (so, at least there's that), but he doesn't take initiative.

That's why I get the blame. Can't win.

My older kid will turn 20 in a few days, and they said that they recognize that I was right in most cases. They try to explain that to my 16 yr old, but DC still doesn't want to listen. I'm hoping that the 16 yr old will one day be mature enough to recognize that I was right in most cases.

Still, it is maddening to deal with the fallout right now.