So. Difficult.

[Anonymous]

My DD, 22, is so freaking difficult. Everything I say she challenges, it’s like she thinks I am so stupid that I can’t possibly say anything that is correct. It’s so frustrating and no fun at all to spend time with her.

I feel awful saying that. She doesn’t live with us, but not far. She comes home to visit with friends, the dog, and she doesn’t have these issues with her dad.

I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s cowardly but the last time she visited I stayed for 10 min and said I had to run to help out a friend. It wasn’t true, I just got out of the house and drove around.

We had a great relationship until she was in HS during Covid. She wanted to spend time with her friends, but my MIL was living with us then and was elderly and frail, so we had to be very careful. We allowed her to see friends outside, but she thinks I am an awful person because I wouldn’t let her do what she wanted.

FWIW the MIL has since passed (not from Covid), but the only memory DD seems to have is that I was incredibly controlling over her life and ruined her entire existence.

It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

You let her see her friends outside. Plenty of parents did not even allow that (we only allowed that twice a month and they had to wear masks, even outside, until they were vaxxed). You did the right thing given the circumstances.

Call her out when she speaks to you rudely.

[Anonymous]

Be open about the difficulties you have with communicating with her. She’s an adult so treat her like any other— if she doesn’t listen, isn’t willing to meet, there’s no reason to continue having her in your home.

[Anonymous]

Here is what happens when I try to call her own or if I ask to be treated with respect:

“I’m only rude because you are a terrible parent”

“You didn’t respect me when you took away my social life.”

I suggested we see a therapist together and here was her response: “you’re the problem. You need to see one alone.”

When I remind her how covid was for everyone in the beginning with the lockdowns and curfews, she says things like, “everyone’s families still let them hang out with their friends inside to at least watch movies or something.”

When I bring up other families who were careful, the response is “yes, they were just as controlling as you and their kids also hate their parents.” She also said I was using the MIL as an excuse to control her access to friends.

I know it was hard for the kids during that time, they did have a crappy HS experience. But I didn’t close down the schools. She is under the impression that I led some sort of secret parent group that forced their school to shut. She has said things like “you probably organized and led parents to call the school about closing.” I was like, what?!

It’s like in her mind I was the only parent that took the lockdown seriously, and more than that, I pushed the school to close down.

I just don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't agree with how you handled the lockdown.

That is okay.

The issue is how she's communicating this.

1) set your own boundary
2) give perspective
3) give options for better ways to share opinions or criticism in the future

[Anonymous]

And yes many other people were mire reasonable about lockdowns.
Maybe if you admitted you were too cautious she would be open to being more accepting of you

[Anonymous]

Op don't listen to idiots saying you should have let your child do whatever they wanted and risk themselves and everyone else they came in contact with during a global pandemic of a novel virus. Many people had a very hard time adapting their behavior because it was just too much. And everyone is still dealing with some form of trauma from what we all went through, including yourself and your daughter.

You did the right thing. Your job is to keep your family safe. The right decisions are often not "fun".

Your daughter is struggling with what she went through, and that's understandable. The blame lies on the virus itself, not on you. But it's much easier to take it out on you.

Some time, space, and maturity will help. At 22 I was very angry with my parents for many different things. Now at 42 I understand exactly why I was so upset with them, but I also understand where they were coming from much better. And I prioritize our relationship, so I've chosen to move past the things that were really difficult for me about how I was raised. As best I can.

I still don't agree with decisions that were made. But I know they thought they were making the best decisions they could at that time.

It's ok to have phases where you aren't as close to your daughter. It will ebb and flow over time as you both grow and mature and get to know each other as adults.

If every teen had a parent who cared enough to make the hard and unpopular decisions when necessary, we'd be in a much better place than we are today.

Give yourself grace for doing the very best you could in a very difficult situation. Give her grace for going through a very difficult time during very difficult years.

[Anonymous]

Something seems off here. Covid was 5 years ago and she continues to blame you. Why not her dad? Is she in college? Working? Does she have friends and a social life? At this point, all you can say is that you did the best you could under the extreme circumstances. Trying to minimize the spread was a thankless task. Remind her that you were not responsible for school closures, mask requirements etc. You cannot force into therapy, but perhaps a few sessions of therapy for you will help you with perspective. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My bet is that she is struggling with post college friendships or relationships. You seem an easy target (to her) for her struggles. Don’t accept the blame from her in your head. I would ignore most of her swipes like you ignore a 2 year old with a tantrum and ask her how her friendships are going now because you can’t undo those choices. You can even say you wish you could take away the negative effects of Covid on her social life and redo it. And ask her why she feels so affected by it now. My hunch is something is going on NOW that she is blaming ion covid.

[Anonymous]

She is acting like she’s 13, not 22.

How do you respond to her? More importantly: How does your dh respond to these ridiculous accusations?

I would sit her down and in a very firm tone tell her she’s being immature and aggressive towards you. You did what a huge percentage of parents did during that time, no a lot of parents weren’t letting kids inside to watch movies. My spouse is a doctor so we had to worry about not infecting other families, and we did exactly what you did. Tell her that you don’t know why she’s pushing you away and why she’s conveniently not blaming the other parent. You want a good relationship but you can’t do it while she’s mean to you. You will always love her and are always open to therapy or mediation with her. But now you’re going to take a step back because you are not a punching bag and you do not deserve to be treated like she’s treating you.

Don’t yell, but don’t be meek. I suspect she senses weakness and she’s disgusted by the fact that you’re not in control now and she is, and while she thinks dhe wants that on the surface, deep down she wants her parents to be strong.

[Anonymous]

^ Her parents do need to be strong, and that includes her DH.

BOTH OP and her DH need to sit down together with DD and flat-out tell her that her behavior is unacceptable as an "adult" and disrespect will NOT be tolerated in the house.

I think part of the reason DD is getting away with this is DH is being silent and OP is slinking off like she's a criminal. That has to stop.

Parents need to be a unified front. DD is currently practicing the "divide and conquer" method of putting a wedge between the couple - that needs to be shut down, fast.

If not, OP will then have marriage problems to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Her parents do need to be strong, and that includes her DH.

BOTH OP and her DH need to sit down together with DD and flat-out tell her that her behavior is unacceptable as an "adult" and disrespect will NOT be tolerated in the house.

I think part of the reason DD is getting away with this is DH is being silent and OP is slinking off like she's a criminal. That has to stop.

Parents need to be a unified front. DD is currently practicing the "divide and conquer" method of putting a wedge between the couple - that needs to be shut down, fast.

If not, OP will then have marriage problems to deal with.

Well-said.
You can both also tell your dd that if she treats her future spouse with such disdain when she doesn’t get her way, then she’s in for a long road of misery.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like Covid delayed her maturity. Although I had a deep grudge with my mom at 17 and I still have it today tbh. I just try to work around it because i understand why, but it still hurts.

I think it would help to acknowledge the hurt, note we can't go back in time and ask what she would need to repair the situation now. I do suggest you see a therapist to process.

[Anonymous]

Which personality disorder has she been diagnosed with? This isn’t normal behavior. She sounds mentally ill.

I am being very serious. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Why does she come visit if it’s so terrible to be with you?