How to talk to teenage DD about her father chasing women in their early 20s?

[Anonymous]

I skimmed the posts of the other threads and agree, you are handling this poorly but so is the father. Both of you need to get divorced. Finances are a poor excuse and your daughter is in the middle.

Get divorced. Period. Yes, you will both take a financial hit but it’s not healthy for either of you to stay in this marriage.

And then you stay out of his dating life. It doesn’t matter if he wants to date people in their 20s. It’s none of your business if you are not his legal wife. The issue now, is that your legal husband is dating. That’s an issue more than her age. Stop discussing any of this with DD.

Your husband and you got yourselves into this married but separated and dating situation. How you make it better is divorce and not talking about each other’s dating lives to DD.

[Anonymous]

You cannot protect your child from bad things. You can teach her how to respond emotionally, intellectually, physically to these situations. So, do that instead of playing the martyr, as playing the martyr is making the child protect you. Very harmful for a child to feel the need to do that. She will never take problems to you and get in over her head protecting you, parentification, instead of the reverse.

[Anonymous]

They’re both adults who are probably going to smash. A lot. And after that, there will be others. Many others. You better just get used to it. Just tell DD the truth: that her Dad is pathetic and gross. But she probably knows that already.

[Anonymous]

The age difference is gross but he isn't a predator. Lets not infantilize women. She is an adult making a choice. A bad choice but it is hers to make.

Why was your ex telling you about his love life. That is inappropriate. And if she is across the country, what does this romantic relationship entail - phone sex and pictures?

[Anonymous]

Your daughter’s dad is allowed to introduce her to a 22 year old — even a 22 year old girlfriend. You should have said nothing. They would have met. Your DD would have figured it out (or not). You sound crazy. Get divorced and move on.

[Anonymous]

You guys need to get divorced and live your own lives. Parenting as you wish on your own time. If he wants new 22 yo gf to tutor daughter in math, who cares?

You do what you want during your time. And yes, keep your daughter out of the divorce and the reasonings, etc. Your problems are not hers. Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

[Anonymous]

Better that your ex is sleazing on strangers and not your daughter. Encourage him.



https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/10am4co/im_kinda_married/

[Anonymous]

It’s sounds to me like “predator” was a poor choice of words from a teenager. My STBX is dating someone younger and our teenage dd has a problem with the relationship because she says there’s a tremendous power imbalance, due to age, financial status, career status, general life circumstances. She thinks it’s a real shame that the younger girlfriend is tying herself to someone with so much baggage, thinking that he’s going to provide stability and security. None of this came from me. I made a choice never to say a disparaging word about the young woman or their relationship. This is just how a lot of teenage girls think these days. Your teenager is immersed in the same culture my teenager is. Your dd has a good head on her shoulders. She’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

I think it's 100% fine for you to express to dh that both of you should wait for some time before introducing new love interests to dd. It shouldn't be linked to the age of the love interest, your liking them or not, how they met...I'd make it a blanket rule. The kid is already dealing with having a big event in their life. They shouldn't have to worry about the parents' dating life until it becomes a serious partnership.

Also if you are wealthy at all make sure to have a trust in place so dd's money is protected from any future financial issues arising with your/your spouse's future spouses, no matter how lovely and appropriate they seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

You are wrong about this. Maybe YOU put the cheating dirtbag above your mother and didn’t care, but plenty of kids see parental cheating as a betrayal of the family. It’s the cheating that breaks up the family, and kids see that and feel that.
It’s good that OPs daughter knows how disgusting her father is. I doubt she will be bringing any of her friends around him, hed probably try to proposition them 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the following thread in the relationship forum:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1277224.page

The issue has become one more suitable for the Tweens and Teens forum.

My husband and I have lived separately for more than three years. He always cheated, sometimes with several women at the same time.
DD doesn't know about the cheating part, and I do not plan to every discuss it with her.

However, a recent event has rocked her childhood: her 59 y.o. dad is chasing a 22 y.o. woman whom he found on a tutoring website about four weeks ago. They have done two tutoring sessions, DD is excited. STBXH has invited the young woman to his home and made it sound safe by proposing cultural outings with DD.

I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. She asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood, when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

Let your daughter have the right to an opinion. She is seeing him for what he is. Please honor her choice to distance herself.

I agree with this. There are emotional consequences when fathers decide to cheat on, abandon, or divorce mothers. The child will make their own assessment of the whys.

A 15 year old girl is close enough to sexual maturity to figure out that her dad is a skirt chaser. I'm sure this girl is smart. There's no way she would miss the situation once it was onsite. In fact it would have been more dishonest and disturbing because the kid would have been part of the cover story for why the 22 y.o. was coming to town.

The father here is being emotionally disloyal to both his wife and child, and has already cheated. I think at this point none of the past problems need to be raised, but 15 is not a young and innocent age in today's America.

By the way, and not relevant to OP, because of dating consent training which happens in high school and even college orientation, many kids consider 3 year age gaps too much among teens who date. This generation has much more training on predation, grooming, etc. than prior generations.

OP, you were right to disclose and cut off the tutoring. Now you should keep your mouth shut re: passing judgment on what your DH is doing as you head for divorce. If he wants to stay married, you can come up with a mutually agreeable way to handle. Just be factual, and don't trash-talk your DH further. The rest is up to your daughter. This would have all come out at some point. Now vs. 2 years from now is no different age-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

I disagree. I think children want to know why. They just don't need gory details. If there's a general marital breakdown, okay, you don't need to get into sex life stuff.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because her husband got a married AP pregnant.

It's difficult to hide that situation and the fundamental immorality from the children of the original marriages.

Unnecessary detail is "when and where and why the baby was conceived".

A factual detail is: "we are getting a divorce because your dad got Mrs. X pregnant".

[Anonymous]

Is your husband a sex addict?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband a sex addict?

Corn addict more likely…