My 59 y.o. STBXH is trying to land a 22 y.o.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

why would you marry a man 13 years older than you?? are you insane? naive? or just stupid?

or were you searching for someone to take care of you? financial entanglements is code for not wanting to have to support yourself.

and to top it off , now you are surprised when he traded you in a for a newer model?

men are hard wired after tens of thousands of years of evolution to be attracted to young women. it is the young women that go out with older men that are insane.

OP here. I have two terminal degrees and earn very well (own my own firm), but not as well as he does.

13 years did not seem like a big age difference. 37, on the other hand... She could almost be his granddaughter. It's embarrassing, even though he looks a lot younger. He is in for a lot of disappointment.

Why are you so enmeshed with your ex? His dating life is none of your concern. If he wants to get a 22-year old pregnant then he can deal with the consequences. Don’t use your daughter as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

Move on with your life and don't obsess or be jealous about his.

He must have been a hot guy to pull a 22 year old woman at 59, so you should be proud of that fact at least. Also that he likes a girl that looks like a younger version of you, says he isn't really over you, so just smile and move on.

Find you a nice mature man if you aren't wanting to have more kids, and then when you have get togethers your Sean Connery type man can call your ex "boy" and "scooter" and lord his maturity over your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe wait until the 22 year old goes home. She might just think he's actually interested in her research. Depends on how slick he is. She could get a rude shock upon arrival.

I believe she totally thinks that he wants to be (only) her mentor. He is very slick and is in an exciting and new specialty. Although at her age I would not have flown cross country to visit a 59 yo "mentor" in his remote home, at least not oblivious to his true intent.

It’s very, very smart on the part of those 22-year-old to rock your STBXH’s world. Without him, she’s just another grad student wannabe. WITH him, she’s on a first-name basis with the leading lights in her field. That puts her way ahead from Day One, the Jordon Hudson of her corner of academia.

I know a girl who graduated a couple of years ago and hooked up with the 50-something doctor leading the lab at her university medical center . He gushed by name about her professional contributions in the Med Center newsletter, words that can’t be erased and are like gold when she applies to grad school. Plus she gets to enjoy a much better lifestyle than most 23-year-olds, even with him paying child support and alimony to his lazy ex.

[Anonymous]

“Trying” to land her?

Sounds like he’s already landed and at the gate.

Next stop meeting the family at baggage check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you two have a standing policy about your DD meeting your respective dates (or whatever)?

If your DD lives with you full-time, three hours away from her dad and the 22 yr old lives on the other coast, what exactly is his goal/aim (whatever) of introducing them?

What is he thinking to ask for that?

The rest is his problem, not yours. MYOB.

He got the young woman to tutor our daughter online a few weeks ago. They did two sessions. That's his excuse for getting them to meet up in person.
That's how I was introduced to her, that she is the new tutor. Her visit to his home and the rest came only today.

What exactly is “the rest”?

And how did it come out?

You say no. No, DD will not meet the other young woman in person. DD will not travel six hours to do so. No, she will not have her as a tutor. You will find another tutor.

Anything not involving your DD is not your business.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a predator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

why would you marry a man 13 years older than you?? are you insane? naive? or just stupid?

or were you searching for someone to take care of you? financial entanglements is code for not wanting to have to support yourself.

and to top it off , now you are surprised when he traded you in a for a newer model?

men are hard wired after tens of thousands of years of evolution to be attracted to young women. it is the young women that go out with older men that are insane.

OP here. I have two terminal degrees and earn very well (own my own firm), but not as well as he does.

13 years did not seem like a big age difference. 37, on the other hand... She could almost be his granddaughter. It's embarrassing, even though he looks a lot younger. He is in for a lot of disappointment.

13 is huge.

But honestly 25 to 38 almost makes sense. He was FORTY. never married. Huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Why are you entertaining any convos on who he's now dating?

Mind your own business & finalize that divorce.

[Anonymous]

Three way?

[Anonymous]

I mean, I definitely wouldn't let him introduce her to your daughter. Beyond that I don't know that there's anything to do.

[Anonymous]

What about the other women he’s dated since you’ve been married? How old were they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you two have a standing policy about your DD meeting your respective dates (or whatever)?

If your DD lives with you full-time, three hours away from her dad and the 22 yr old lives on the other coast, what exactly is his goal/aim (whatever) of introducing them?

What is he thinking to ask for that?

The rest is his problem, not yours. MYOB.

He got the young woman to tutor our daughter online a few weeks ago. They did two sessions. That's his excuse for getting them to meet up in person.
That's how I was introduced to her, that she is the new tutor. Her visit to his home and the rest came only today.

What exactly is “the rest”?

And how did it come out?

You say no. No, DD will not meet the other young woman in person. DD will not travel six hours to do so. No, she will not have her as a tutor. You will find another tutor.

Anything not involving your DD is not your business.

Precisely this.

[Anonymous]

Your ex is obviously wealthy and well-established professionally. Did you expect him to remain a monk after your divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

There is nothing for you to handle…

[Anonymous]

Why do you care? He is living rent free in your head and probably your heart. Don’t let him do that.